Hi everyone,
I feel scared again. Fear seems to be my constant companion interrupted only by a various visits from depression and rage:) Well, I do have hope though. I am diligently pursuing quiet moments in between it all to do nothing but relax into the inner peace and stillness inside no matter what is happening outside.
I am taking Qigong for this purpose--it is like tai chi for those not familiar with it. It allows you to focus your mind and slow your breathing and become aware of only the moment. Good for lots of things. Only problem is my back hurts now because of doing it! Need to talk to the teacher about this issue.
I'm tired of being triggered into bad feeling states. Not sure what to do but ride them out, tend to my self care needs when it happens and reach out.
I am beating myself up for not being more, doing more, being better etc. Favorite pastime of many I suppose. Maybe when I get my camera, I can do that instead. I haven't felt much like joking, laughing, having fun recently. Just too much stress, pressure, negative thinking. Focusing on the negative and fears of the future.
But today I am going to try to focus on what I am doing. God, it's hard with all the mind chatter from having been triggered. Well, all there is is the moment. Past is gone. Future is not yet here. Only have this very moment...nope, that moment went, so did that one...
Just want to be present a little today for some of the moments and enjoy some peace of mind in the midst of everything. Do you think just forcing yourself to act positive and talk positive helps? Maybe it forces the mind off the negative?
I am really angry that I am still being abused today at age 40 but contrary to what many think, it just is not possible to entirely "leave" just yet. Many do not understand this. Many do. Sometimes for some, they have to cope until the time they can leave. This is sad and true for many including myself. I don't have to be completely miserable all the time though as I am preparing myself for more independence inch by inch although painstakingly slow.
Wishing I were futher along in the process, but grateful still...
Marishka
Sorry you are feeling so anxious at the moment. I've had my times recently as well!
I notice you mention Qigong...I'm interested in this technique as well as combining it with EFT Emotional Freedom Technique and/or accupressure points .... the EFT system can bring about a speedy release of anxiety and fear at the moment it is occuring and relies on you accepting the feeling of fear or anxiety instead of fighting it and having a deep acceptance of yourself with the feeling of fear... the feeling then dissipates as it has been "heard". However, as with most things in a depressive's life the acceptance sometimes has to be very specific so we get hundreds of opportunities to accept slightly different perspectives on the themes from events in our traumatic lives.
I know you say you are moving inch by inch towards being able to leave ... have you ever considered what you would do now if you could go mile by mile rather than inch by inch? Could you become that person today? Sometimes this technique is useful to help chunk up our actions ... anyway ...good luck and keep us informed of your progress.
Take care.
Hypno
Hi Hypno,
Thanks for responding. Mile by mile? Hmmm....I have thought many times, why don't I just pick up, move somewhere entirely different, start over, begin fresh and build a healthier life....or do it where I am... the only problem is that I am exhausted, can barely get through a day, paying bills coming in, juggling the responsibilities I have which are few compared to many people's, but nevertheless hard to juggle for me.
I have gotten on a plane, or gotten in my car and driven to places several times in my life to do this. Problem is that the same problems are still there, just different faces. It seems that we create the same scenarios over and over until we resolve them? Or come to some acceptance of them? I wish I could go faster, but I think maybe my Self knows just how fast I can go and when and I need to listen.
I feel frustrated that I cannot go mile by mile, but seems I have tried that too...
Do you go mile by mile? How? What does that look like?
Marishka
When I feel frustrated that I'm not going fast enough I have come to realise that I am not making the appropriate changes that I want and in most cases need to make in my life on a fast enough basis. I then consider not the reason why I'm doing this (as my logical defences will just give me every reason under the sun why I can't do anything other than what I'm doing or not doing at the time to justify my lack of action)but rather I have found it more helpful to consider what behaviours or how I could approach the change process in a more positive light. I first consider what my long term goal is....the real thing that I want to achieve, that is the positive change I want to make in my life...I then imagine myself carrying out a day or week or month or year of living with that change in place. (Your brain will not deliver on anything until it has imagined what that would look like...so it knows what it is looking for ...can recognise it and then know what to do in order to achieve it)...sorry I'm being interrupted...I will log on later and finish this response....
Many apologies that this answer will be in 2 parts!!!!
Take Care for Now...
Hypno
There....that is an example of a lack of focus...see what it does....it means I/you don't complete things....and then of course I/you only move inch by inch...however, as long as you are constantly moving towards your POSITIVE AND WANTED GOAL ...you're doing fine. If you find yourself not moving towards the goal then you haven't found or identified the actual goal you are really, really WANTING. So ...the first thing I've found good to do is to reflect on what it is I/you really DO WANT AND THAT IS UNDER YOUR CONTROL TO ACHIEVE...(so trying to alter someone else's behaviour might not be under your control)...next...as i said earlier on IMAGINE what it would be like once you were LIVING your DREAM....what daily activities would you do, from getting up to going to bed and getting restful sleep, how will you feel now that you have your dream goal...what smells will you smell, what colours will you see in every activity you imagine, what touch and taste sensations will you have...IMAGINE THEM ALL and turn up the intensity of any attributes/characteristics that you find most pleasureable...after doing this a couple of times...start to imagine working backwards from this experience in steps of time IMAGINING each step you had to take to get there. Repeat this until you have the right set of steps you need to take...run it through backwards and forwards from where you are now to where you want to be...then start to take those steps one by one...if you get stuck...imagine the next step but one and reflect again on how you can get there from where you now are at...keep doing this as many times as you need to....make sure you keep your goal alive by setting some time each week to replay that goal...then of course you need to flex that wonderful muscle you have....YOUR OWN WILLPOWER...to provide the means of keeping focussed...set a goal to make one small step towards your goal every day...and use your willpower to keep this promise to yourself. After all you deserve it...you deserve to achieve your goals just as others do...add time to your routine to aid you to do this...PRIORITISE a little time each day to making this happen...perhaps sometimes it will be to reflect on a better next step to take you towards your goal and then at other times it will be ACTION.Be clear with yourself how you will know when it is ready to take the next step..this sometimes helps to unblock you. Be clear with yourself that it's ok to fail at one step or to get stuck and use these moments to reflect on what would be a useful next step and what you have learned from the failure point sort out what you would find more useful to do at this time rather than trying to achieve too much in one go or doing something that does not yet feel right to do now.
Good Luck On Your Special and Long Overdue Journey.
I have one other thought to share...you are lucky you work/think in imperial measurements (inches)..if you were in Europe you might have to work in centimetres or even millimetres!!!! by comparison inches are very big steps...don't underestimate the progress you do make!
All the best and do keep us informed of your progress and stumbling blocks. Writing and sharing them can help you to reflect on them and help you to make progress on identifying solutions that are useful for you.
Hypno
Hi Hypno,
Thank you for your helpful words. The place I am in is one of fear. I know vaguely what I think I want but don't know the best steps to get there given what I have to work with.
Also, I have some conflicting interests I think. And right now my brain is just so much under strain that I really cannot relax. What then?
I will take the suggestion you made about taking time to understand what the next best step would be today I think. Also, I enjoy making collages to give my mind an image of what I would like to be doing in the future. I feel overwhelmed and afraid and confused though. What then? I guess I need to know specific activities for each feeling, mind frame. You may have suggested these but I may not be clear enough to have received them....
The holidays are very difficult for me...my mind continually tries to go to the past and the future in fear....suggestions?
Slow down? Walk? Pray? Distract?
Sorry if I missed the messages- my mind is distracted and I feel so scared and unable to relax into the moment right now.
Marishka
Thank you for the 'Good Luck On My Special and Long Overdue Journey'--that touched my heart and I feel that way, long overdue. Yet I still feel I have to wait and just accept and be patient.
What I think I want: Kind husband, nonabusive, 1 child, safe, secure home surrounded by nature with husband and child, livelihood I enjoy and make a living doing, slow paced life. I imagine I would love to live in the country in a small town somewhere. I now live in a big city.
My boyfriend is half the time kind, other times sadly not kind. He does not want children. I have not enough work history in the last 10 years to file for SSDI. I am sick and cannot work. He helps me with rent. I cannot live on SSI nor can I afford the terror of being so close to homelessness having under 2,000 in order to file for SSI.
I want to work, but think it is too much for me to afford everything and work and being sick. There are a lot of factors in the picture. Anyway, then there is the question of accepting living in a home purchased my my abusive father until I can obtain more independence...so I am not homeless, or so stressed I cannot tolerate it and want to die from the pain and stress....no easy answers---any suggestions?
So things are what they are now. True. I am wondering if I should make a break in my life now or stay the course longer and get counseling where I am, take the help in rent etc. I am exhausted. I don't think it is feasible for me to pick up and move to another state now--but I am 40, time keeps going, I am still being abused, still with my boyfriend....things are not easy to figure out for sure....
I am overwhelmed trying to figure out things though. I need to slow down I think and pray for guidance/meditate and let answers emerge in quiet....?
Anyway, not easy but there are options...I just need to get clear on next right steps....I don't think I can figure it all out now for sure...only the next right steps....and now those next right steps are only to eat well, shower, do some exercise and go to counseling, try to get help for my issues and depression it seems. Any insight?
Do we sometimes have to make our situations the best we can I wonder when we cannot just change things overnight, making the tiniest steps in the direction of our goals...like my ordering country living magazine just to remind myself of my dream of living in the country even though it is not occurring right now...
Thanks for your help and support...
Marishka
Slow down but keep moving forward. EH? I hear you ask. What I mean is resting does not mean accepting abuse.
Thinking you can change an abuser is like thinking you can make the world square. Abusers get worse not better. The cycle of abuse is they lull you into a false sense of security and just when you start to enjoy their company or begin to feel safe they attack you again...usually the violence escalates over time. They say sorry and say they are remorseful..they may be sweet to you... and when you feel safe and begin to regain your confidence a bit they hit again.It won't get any better. They feed off your fear...not your confidence...they hate to see you confident and independent of them...they attack to put you down..so they have control over you...TOTAL control..they control whenyou feel safe and when you can enjoy yourself and when you will be slapped back down into place.
I realise you need to feel secure in whatever move you make...do you have any domestic violence organisations near you that you could go and seek help and support or counselling from. They may be able to help you with finding appropriate housing, etc.
Deal with one issue at a time and prioritise them e.g. find out info regarding rehousing for survivors of domestic violence and any other support that is available
Do something new - anything - once or twice a week and get used to taking risks so that change is not so scary.
Identify what sort of work you could do if you had the skills....are there any subsidised training for people who are not in work at the moment
When you are feeling fit enough to work tell everyone you know what sort of work you are looking for and ask them to help you get the right job
Etc.