need to focus

Hi everyone,

I feel scared again.  Fear seems to be my constant companion interrupted only by a various visits from depression and rage:)  Well, I do have hope though.  I am diligently pursuing quiet moments in between it all to do nothing but relax into the inner peace and stillness inside no matter what is happening outside.

I am taking Qigong for this purpose--it is like tai chi for those not familiar with it.  It allows you to focus your mind and slow your breathing and become aware of only the moment.  Good for lots of things.  Only problem is my back hurts now because of doing it! Need to talk to the teacher about this issue.

I'm tired of being triggered into bad feeling states.  Not sure what to do but ride them out, tend to my self care needs when it happens and reach out.

I am beating myself up for not being more, doing more, being better etc.  Favorite pastime of many I suppose.  Maybe when I get my camera, I can do that instead.  I haven't felt much like joking, laughing, having fun recently.  Just too much stress, pressure, negative thinking.  Focusing on the negative and fears of the future.

But today I am going to try to focus on what I am doing.  God, it's hard with all the mind chatter from having been triggered.   Well, all there is is the moment.  Past is gone. Future is not yet here.  Only have this very moment...nope, that moment went, so did that one...

Just want to be present a little today for some of the moments and enjoy some peace of mind in the midst of everything. Do you think just forcing yourself to act positive and talk positive helps? Maybe it forces the mind off the negative?

I am really angry that I am still being abused today at age 40 but contrary to what many think, it just is not possible to entirely "leave" just yet.  Many do not understand this.  Many do.  Sometimes for some, they have to cope until the time they can leave.  This is sad and true for many including myself.  I don't have to be completely miserable all the time though as I am preparing myself for more independence inch by inch although painstakingly slow.

Wishing I were futher along in the process, but grateful still...

Marishka