disociation

Hi Merely Me,

Thanks for responding.  My God, I just reread what I wrote and it made me cringe with embarassment.  I guess I was in a panic when I wrote it.  I really don't like this state. (I'm still in it though)

I need to find a trauma specialist though people keep saying who can help me with this like you say.  Otherwise, I feel stupid when people don't understand and say things that make me feel not understood. 

I get angry when this happens but they just don't understand disociation.  My friend has DID and she is the only one who I feel really understands what I am talking about right now.

It's really not people's or therapist's fault who are not trained in disociative states.  I guess it's like a doctor who is trained in ear, nose and throat trying to diagnose or treat a skin problem or visa versa.

 I think it's a common response to trauma to disociate so I don't know if you have it or not, but I think it's on a continuum of severity all the way to DID.

But it scares people not familiar with it I think which is natural since it is different than what people normally see, especially if it is complete disociation like                 in Disociative Identity Disorder.

And yes, I feel like a victim when in this state.  Like I cannot take care of myself, like I am helpless to stop people from destroying me. My whole body tenses up like I am trying to ward off all the negative energy coming at me and I 'check out' into my racing thoughts of intrepreting what is going on around me--although distorted thinking from a child's perspective I think.  It is exhausting.

Reminding myself I am in the here and now does seem to be the best help.

What is also important for me to understand I think too, is that while I do have the power to do something now since I am an adult, like you say, don't blame myself for this protective reaction that served me as a child to survive a really scary environment.

Thank you for reminding me to remind myself that I am in the present.  I have to do it over and over until I am grounded again in the present.

I really need to learn not to get triggered eventually but it does help to remind myself that this is now, not then.

I really appreciate your support, you are very supportive and encouraging and honest and it helps me get through the day!  Thank you

Marishka

Hey Marishka

Please don't ever be embarrassed here.  I absolutely do understand that this is a very frightening thing.  You almost feel as though you will be sucked into it.  I understand most of my triggers now and so some greater awareness does help. 

I had an especially hard time watching the Soloist, the movie about schizophrenia...especially when there was a scene of violence against one of the characters in the movie.  It immediately conjured up my childhood memory of hiding in an alley as neighbors beat my mother who has schizophrenia.  It is a terrible feeling...as though I had to go back in time...the movie reel is there and I re-live the experience with vivid detail.  I see the scene...I feel the bricks of the wall I was hiding against...I feel the terror.   But I was proud that I did get through the movie intact...I reminded myself that I am safe now and in the present time. 

I suppose you could look for a therapist who specializes in trauma but again be careful...I find that it is better to find someone you really trust.  Had a therapist recently who said he specialized in this sort of thing and he made things so much worse for me.  It was not the right fit. 

You could be going on this search about dissociation and meanwhile...what about now?  I have done this sort of thing too where I look for answers...am I this way due to my genes?  Or childhood trauma?  Or things I eat or don't eat?  or environmental toxins?  Maybe I am Bipolar...maybe it is my MS...maybe it's my hormones?  The lists are endless.  It is much akin to going down the rabbit hole in Alice in Wonderland.  is this search going to help or is it just a way to avoid doing things in the present to help feel better?  I only say this because I do understand how easy it is to get distracted by the search for causes.

In the meantime...here is the link to The International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation.  Read the FAQ's there...it might help you to know more about this especially if you are to pursue seeking a therapist who deals with this sort of thing.

Listen...we are here for you.  Please don't ever be afraid to share here.  Whatever you are going through you are never alone.  Okay?

I am eager to hear what you plan to do next.  Let us know.

Hi Merely Me,

Thank you for the link.  Also, thank you for mentioning your therapist you sought and who made things so much worse.  I saw one yesterday and she made me feel so much worse in one visit.  I felt so invalidated after I left-  I was  validating her--I should have made the 100 dollars.  I was very angry.

She did not understand much of anything I was talking about and  I felt absolutely horrible and so much worse  when I left.

Thank you for your Alice in Wonderland analogy.

Yes, I understand it and sometimes find myself in that ridiculous hole too long.  But sometimes I find some pretty rich information just in my search in the hole so I like to jump in and jump out sometimes.

But disociation does exist and my friend who has DID finally found a GOOD therapist who she has been with ten years and he has helped her immensely integrate her alters and she is really doing so much better with her struggle. 

When you go to someone with your deepest values, thoughts and true person and they invalidate you, it feels like someone has crushed your spirit. 

Trying to reclaim my spirit after my bad therapist now---

Thanks for your responses,

Marishika

Hi Merely Me,

I always enjoy your responses as they open up the issues that really matter. In your response you say you sometimes don't think its a good isea to revisit past traumatic events. It is true that some people get restimulated by the memory and that is unhelpful. The way to work with past memories is in the disassociated fashion (third person as onlooker high above the event - or from what ever vantage point you can get where you see yourself as well as others in the event) and not the fully associated one (where you see the event from within yourself in the memory and experience all the negative emotions). You can then manipulate the event if you don't want to use EFT (which is the fastest method of getting rid of negative emtion triggers) to provide self care during or after or before the event. You can manipulate the event to have a comic or happier outcome emotionally. You can do this so as to resolve the emotional issue and then you will not be retriggered by it again. The reason why this works is that the brain does not know the difference between real and imaginery events...that's why dreams resolve our emotional difficulties very well as they don't even need to make "logical" sense to resolve the issues. They just need to resolve them so your emotional energies have subsided.

The issue of false memories...these occur to help you resolve the emotional responses...it doesn't matter if they are in fact real events or imaginary ones as long as you only use the power of the mind to resolve your emotional issues and don't go round suing people for things they have not done. As long as you concentrate on the resolution of feelings and don't pay too much attention to the content of the event other than the emotions it triggers everyone is fine. Negative emotions and linked negative and limitig self-beliefs can be released and people can become healthier and less depressed and experience less pain and suffering.

People need to trust their intuition more so we can lead more fulfilling and happier lives rather than be limited by past events.

By the way, as the brain does not assign emotions on the basis of whether or not an event is factually real or not... if you don't have many real good memories you can make them up in your imagination and attach positive emotions to them and this can lift your mood again and keep you on a more positive track in life. That's what fantasies do.

...as does watching a good movie and getting really in touch with one of the characters...just as you are currently doing by using your viewing of Julie and Julia to direct your life for a while...making a dream...(I could do something similar too - selftalk)...into a reality. It's brilliant and effective too! You can't do something unless you have first imagined yourself doing it!

Isn't the power of the mind awesome?

Hypno

Hi Judy,

Thank you for your response.  I feel very validated when it seems someone understands what I am going through.  It seems you do and I really appreciate your suggestion of finding someone who does EMDR.  I am going to look. 

Marishka

Hi again Judy,

What can I do though right after the trigger to remind myself that I am here now and not back then?  I try to tell myself that in my mind but sometimes it is not enough.

Then if I am already triggered, is is much easier for another trigger to come along and make it worse and all of a sudden I am almost completely unaware of my body, the present.  It can get very bad for me.

I try to ground myself with grounding things too like gardening, breathing, walking, taking in the sights around me.  It is so much work too!  It is tiring.  I am tired of trying to bring myself back to the present.  It's exhausting.  I don't want to get triggered anymore.  I know anyone who invalidates me, steps on my boundaries, bullies me, doesn't validate my deepest thoughts or feelings or dreams sends me flying into the past.  Also new situations, people and crowds.

I will try EMDR definately when I find someone who does in on my insurance provider list.

Thank you for your support and encouragement,

Marishka

I know it IS hard, Marishka, to stop the triggers right away and it does take a lot of work.  It doesn't always work, but I know if I can just sit and feel where I am, feel my body in the chair, try to be aware of what's around me, it can help.  I think it will be easier for you if you can do the EMDR because it will help desensitize you.  Sometimes while working with this you may find there are several layers of trauma to get through and it can seem tedious, but you're getting to the root sources.  Maybe your friend's therapist can refer you to someone who does it; otherwise, if you tell me where you live, I can probably find out who might be good at this in your area.  At least, I can give it a try.  And if you have trouble finding someone within your insurance coverage, it might be possible to ask them for a referral - sometimes they'll do that when a person needs help in a special area where the resources are limited.

It's too bad that this therapist made you feel so invalidated - she evidently doesn't know a lot about treating trauma and it's good that you recognized that right away.  I think you'll do well once you find the right therapist.  Let me know if I can help you at all.

Thank you Hypno,

I will try it out.  I appreciate it and I feel validated that you know what I am going through.

Marishka

Hi Hypno,

Thank you.  I am in the strong emotion right now.  I just feel overwhelmed with anger, fear, thoughts that no one cares about who I am, what I need, what makes me happy. 

I will try the technique.

Marishka

Please try the technique as I had similar probs to yourself and it really does work...you may need to do it several times when different aspects of an event trigger all the emotions so cover all the emotions as you accept yourself e.g. hurt, grief,sadness, anger,etc. It is a really powerful tool. Do watch the free dvd's because they then show you what to expect and the need to repeat the exercise for as long as you are triggered no matter what the level from 1-10...only stop when you are completely at 0 after tapping.

P.S. Your description of what you are feeling means that you are not disassociated you are fully associated with a past memory/event...you do need to be disassociated (this means you will not be having an emotional response to the memory and you will be seeing it as a third party to the event) by taking a viewpoint as an observer high above the event, and then use the timeline before and after the event and use the rewind technique.

Would love to hear how you get on. If you encounter any difficulties let me know and I'll see if I can give you a tip to retry. It's worth it...as you can be past event negative emotion free once again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hypno

Hi Hypno,

It sounds like you do struggle or have struggled with some of the same things I do. 

I do believe I have what is referred to as disociation and/or depersonalization.

I  am quite certain that I do not have DID, which is on the far end of the continuum of the disociative spectrum.  I do think it is on continuum, all disociation.

If you read the above posts, Merely Me posted a really good site explaining all the experiences of disociation, depersonalization etc.  It really helped me a lot actually reading it.  Maybe it could help you to identify what you experience.

Thanks for your comments,

Marishka

Don't get put off using the EFT...you are describing classic symptoms of PTSD with multiple memories being triggered ...using EFT you can rid yourself of this nasty symptom very very very quickly...don't do what I did and wait 2 years to try it out and be told you are so many different people...that's just parts integration which is so easy to achieve once you rid yourself of the high anxiety, anger,sadness, grief etc... Honest it is a very powerful tool/technique...you don't need to believe any of the religious/spiritual side of it ...just think of it as using the rewind technique with nlp affirmations that are specific/general and acupressure points ...hey presto!

Go do it now...you will feel so much better and back in the here and now in no time at all!

Hypno