Hi everyone,
Does anyone else have disociation happen to them? I guess it is because of trauma. I have it happen when I am really scared and stressed and feel threatened.
When it happens, I go into tunnel vision and can only see and hear things that are distorted I think from my childhood. It like I am suddenly catapulted back in time to the trauma over and over.
I begin to get the idea that I am helpless, powerless and that everyone around me is going to hurt me, gang up on me, humiliate me, target me, verbally assault me, laugh at me, torment me.
Maybe this all happened as a child- I am pretty sure it did but I can't remember.
But my psyche seems to bring me back there over and over when I feel stressed and overwhelmed. Then I enter this disociated state where I can barely talk and I feel terror.
Then everyone seems like my enemy and I am fighting a battle against them. After a while and some effort, my adult Self state returns and I see all the damage I caused by acting out while in this regressed state.
It is horrible. I am in the state right now actually. I try to will my adult Self back and cannot. It is only when my psyche feels safe again, does my adult Self 'come back'. I am aware that the shift occurs when it does so I know that I do not (as of yet) have what they label Disociative Identity Disorder.
But it is severe disociation nevertheless and my understanding is that disociation is on a continuum, DID being the most severe form.
Help!! I am in a support group and I am so scared and stressed because my 'child Self' is out and my adult Self has taken a back seat again. I need to come back to the present before my negative distorted thinking causes me to act on it and then get myself in the very scenario that is in my mind.
I'm seeing a therapist tomorrow but I don't know if she knows about or specialized in trauma. People keep saying I need a trauma specialist. I have wanted to hurt myself yesterday because I cannot seem to keep this cycle from happening in my life.
I'm really scared. When I shift to the child Self, I imagine everyone is more powerful than me, that I am helpless, inferior, that everyone is laughing at me, wants to destroy me because I am so helpless and cannot set any boundaries because no one will respect them anyway. Childhood distorted thinking!!! Then I act it out and it becomes my reality again. Help!!
Distorted thoughts- I am powerless to change it, everyone will always gang up on me, attack me, throw me out, bully me, kick me, step on me, abuse me. It will never end. I have to die because I cannot stop mean people from getting into my boundaries and attacking and laughing at me and ganging up on me blah blah blah.
OK, I want to write and write when I get on here, being disociated I do sometimes, but I will stop here because it is probably too much to read.
Hi Marishka
How are you feeling now? Has this feeling passed?
There just might be something in your past which is triggering this. I am going to give you one caution, though. It does seem that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is something which is "popular" right now in the mainstream literature on psychology. The truth is (as I have found in the scientific research) is that this is not as common as the mainstream media are reporting. Please don't be quick to label yourself with something that may or may not be true for you.
I would absolutely discuss this with your therapist though. If you are having these sorts of issues you really need to be in a safe enviroment with someone who can help you through these sorts of episodes.
I have these sorts of episodes too related to sexual abuse as a child as well as a very traumatic childhood. You are right...that stress can definitely bring it on and it is like a radio dial which gets stuck to one station. You have to remind yourself that you are in the here and now and that you are safe.
The themes I hear in your writings here is that you are a victim. I think it would be good to build up your feelings of yourself as a woman who has power and control over your own life. You are no longer a child. You are not a victim. And you can do many things to help yourself.
I have very mixed feelings about going back to the core "traumas" and revisiting them. There are many people who "remember" things which didn't even happen. Be careful with this. Think about how you wish to move forward in your life and become more empowered. I would concentrate on what scenarios today...make you feel fearful, threatened, and child like. When those triggers happen you have to make a concerted effort to change your thinking. A good therapist is going to help with this.
These are just my opinions. I am sure others will have very different ones. I would just beware of anything which makes you sink more into a victim role and not as a person who is empowered and moving forward with how to deal with the here and now.
Let us know how your therapy session goes. And keep writing here...it is very courageous that you wrote about your episode. Many of us have had these and we can give you the support you need.
Hope the rest of your weekend goes better for you.
Hi Merely Me,
Thanks for responding. My God, I just reread what I wrote and it made me cringe with embarassment. I guess I was in a panic when I wrote it. I really don't like this state. (I'm still in it though)
I need to find a trauma specialist though people keep saying who can help me with this like you say. Otherwise, I feel stupid when people don't understand and say things that make me feel not understood.
I get angry when this happens but they just don't understand disociation. My friend has DID and she is the only one who I feel really understands what I am talking about right now.
It's really not people's or therapist's fault who are not trained in disociative states. I guess it's like a doctor who is trained in ear, nose and throat trying to diagnose or treat a skin problem or visa versa.
I think it's a common response to trauma to disociate so I don't know if you have it or not, but I think it's on a continuum of severity all the way to DID.
But it scares people not familiar with it I think which is natural since it is different than what people normally see, especially if it is complete disociation like in Disociative Identity Disorder.
And yes, I feel like a victim when in this state. Like I cannot take care of myself, like I am helpless to stop people from destroying me. My whole body tenses up like I am trying to ward off all the negative energy coming at me and I 'check out' into my racing thoughts of intrepreting what is going on around me--although distorted thinking from a child's perspective I think. It is exhausting.
Reminding myself I am in the here and now does seem to be the best help.
What is also important for me to understand I think too, is that while I do have the power to do something now since I am an adult, like you say, don't blame myself for this protective reaction that served me as a child to survive a really scary environment.
Thank you for reminding me to remind myself that I am in the present. I have to do it over and over until I am grounded again in the present.
I really need to learn not to get triggered eventually but it does help to remind myself that this is now, not then.
I really appreciate your support, you are very supportive and encouraging and honest and it helps me get through the day! Thank you
Marishka
Hey Marishka
Please don't ever be embarrassed here. I absolutely do understand that this is a very frightening thing. You almost feel as though you will be sucked into it. I understand most of my triggers now and so some greater awareness does help.
I had an especially hard time watching the Soloist, the movie about schizophrenia...especially when there was a scene of violence against one of the characters in the movie. It immediately conjured up my childhood memory of hiding in an alley as neighbors beat my mother who has schizophrenia. It is a terrible feeling...as though I had to go back in time...the movie reel is there and I re-live the experience with vivid detail. I see the scene...I feel the bricks of the wall I was hiding against...I feel the terror. But I was proud that I did get through the movie intact...I reminded myself that I am safe now and in the present time.
I suppose you could look for a therapist who specializes in trauma but again be careful...I find that it is better to find someone you really trust. Had a therapist recently who said he specialized in this sort of thing and he made things so much worse for me. It was not the right fit.
You could be going on this search about dissociation and meanwhile...what about now? I have done this sort of thing too where I look for answers...am I this way due to my genes? Or childhood trauma? Or things I eat or don't eat? or environmental toxins? Maybe I am Bipolar...maybe it is my MS...maybe it's my hormones? The lists are endless. It is much akin to going down the rabbit hole in Alice in Wonderland. is this search going to help or is it just a way to avoid doing things in the present to help feel better? I only say this because I do understand how easy it is to get distracted by the search for causes.
In the meantime...here is the link to The International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation. Read the FAQ's there...it might help you to know more about this especially if you are to pursue seeking a therapist who deals with this sort of thing.
Listen...we are here for you. Please don't ever be afraid to share here. Whatever you are going through you are never alone. Okay?
I am eager to hear what you plan to do next. Let us know.
Hi Merely Me,
Thank you for the link. Also, thank you for mentioning your therapist you sought and who made things so much worse. I saw one yesterday and she made me feel so much worse in one visit. I felt so invalidated after I left- I was validating her--I should have made the 100 dollars. I was very angry.
She did not understand much of anything I was talking about and I felt absolutely horrible and so much worse when I left.
Thank you for your Alice in Wonderland analogy.
Yes, I understand it and sometimes find myself in that ridiculous hole too long. But sometimes I find some pretty rich information just in my search in the hole so I like to jump in and jump out sometimes.
But disociation does exist and my friend who has DID finally found a GOOD therapist who she has been with ten years and he has helped her immensely integrate her alters and she is really doing so much better with her struggle.
When you go to someone with your deepest values, thoughts and true person and they invalidate you, it feels like someone has crushed your spirit.
Trying to reclaim my spirit after my bad therapist now---
Thanks for your responses,
Marishika
Hi Merely Me,
I always enjoy your responses as they open up the issues that really matter. In your response you say you sometimes don't think its a good isea to revisit past traumatic events. It is true that some people get restimulated by the memory and that is unhelpful. The way to work with past memories is in the disassociated fashion (third person as onlooker high above the event - or from what ever vantage point you can get where you see yourself as well as others in the event) and not the fully associated one (where you see the event from within yourself in the memory and experience all the negative emotions). You can then manipulate the event if you don't want to use EFT (which is the fastest method of getting rid of negative emtion triggers) to provide self care during or after or before the event. You can manipulate the event to have a comic or happier outcome emotionally. You can do this so as to resolve the emotional issue and then you will not be retriggered by it again. The reason why this works is that the brain does not know the difference between real and imaginery events...that's why dreams resolve our emotional difficulties very well as they don't even need to make "logical" sense to resolve the issues. They just need to resolve them so your emotional energies have subsided.
The issue of false memories...these occur to help you resolve the emotional responses...it doesn't matter if they are in fact real events or imaginary ones as long as you only use the power of the mind to resolve your emotional issues and don't go round suing people for things they have not done. As long as you concentrate on the resolution of feelings and don't pay too much attention to the content of the event other than the emotions it triggers everyone is fine. Negative emotions and linked negative and limitig self-beliefs can be released and people can become healthier and less depressed and experience less pain and suffering.
People need to trust their intuition more so we can lead more fulfilling and happier lives rather than be limited by past events.
By the way, as the brain does not assign emotions on the basis of whether or not an event is factually real or not... if you don't have many real good memories you can make them up in your imagination and attach positive emotions to them and this can lift your mood again and keep you on a more positive track in life. That's what fantasies do.
...as does watching a good movie and getting really in touch with one of the characters...just as you are currently doing by using your viewing of Julie and Julia to direct your life for a while...making a dream...(I could do something similar too - selftalk)...into a reality. It's brilliant and effective too! You can't do something unless you have first imagined yourself doing it!
Isn't the power of the mind awesome?
Hypno