My former therapist of many years accepted a short-term stint in Germany working with military families meeting during a soldier's or Marine's leave. As we all know, it's hard for military personnel to put aside their experiences and just be with their families. Both spouses and children have accumulated issues that can't be resolved on the phone or in e-mail, especially with repeated deployments.
Her work was totally separate from the military structured and not reported to anyone. She and her fellow therapists were just there for anyone who chose to share problems. When she came back, she could not discuss specifics, but let me know she was aware of a high degree of trauma and its effects. Eventually, she left her practice (and me!) to go back to Germany to continue her military family work.
One thing she said that stuck with me though, was that events I experienced as a child -- though mild to an adult observer -- caused just as much PTSD as she had seen in the military personnel. One more reason to go easy on ourselves if we fall into that category.
Hi, Survivor -
I'm glad you bring up the fact that PTSD from childhood can be just as bad as what soldiers suffer from their experience in combat zones. I've heard some people talk about combat trauma as so different from anything in civilian life that there's no comparison. But the abuse of children by parents and others who are trusted to be caring and protective seems as terrible in its consequences as any other form of trauma. Comparisons, though, never seem helpful to me - each person's suffering is genuine and recovery is hard no matter what type of experience caused the trauma.
I'm sorry that getting that advice had to be part of a separation, but it's a powerful lesson to learn.
Thanks for your comment,
John
Hey John...great article!
As far as we think we have come with reducing stigma and educating people about depression and mental illness...we have a long ways to go. And I imagine that the military is a more condensed microcosm where stigma persists.
Those quotes were something else.
I like what you say about...once people do say that they have problems with anger or stress for example...then what? What does one do with these emotions and especially someone in the military?
I hope you will be writing more on this topic...it is a really poignant one.
Hi John A really great article. Here in Ireland, there is still much stigma around PTSD in Veterans, many who have fought the Gulf war and also suffer physical disability from the multi-vaccine policies too. Britain however, seems to have a much better policy and far less stigma and there are great places to go on retreat and receive Therapy and respite. Hopefully things will change here as Doctors and psychiatrists become more aware.
Thanks, Merely Me -
I will be writing more about this over the next few weeks and always welcome your helpful ideas.
The young marine who had to relearn what to do with his feelings really struck a chord with me. I've been in that situation many times of at last getting in touch with a powerful emotion and then feeling frustration and awkwardness about how to bring such feelings back into my life.
I also want to look more closely at how veterans might get help if they can't bring themselves to go through the military's system - or can't get what they need from that source.
John
Thank you, Rosemarie -
I'm sorry to hear those attitudes persist in Ireland. It took many years here for the military to recognize PTSD - as well as a large part of the public. Partly, the whole problem was hidden. As one veteran said in an interview with Merely Me, soldiers who were deemed unfit because of emotional problems or mental illness just disappeared from the ranks without discussion. There was a lot of publicity about Vietnam veterans and PTSD in the 80s - after the strongest feelings about the war died down and people could look at the human suffering for what it was.
It all took far too long, and I hope things change soon in Ireland.
John
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All of "us" here at this site, we who have had or now have depression, have experienced what you are talking about to some degree. I mentioned before about my dad refusing to take a migraine preventative because it happened to be the same medicine I took for my "psychosomatic" (his term) depression. Implying that depression is not a "real" illness. His migraines were real to him and to me, even though I could not see them like I could see a broken leg. I was certainly a witness to the pained expression on his face. But my depression was not real to him because he could not see it. No matter how that depression might be manifested through suicide attempts and hospital admissions and days of staring at the walls and lying in bed and being vacant-eyed. Now, of course, that is not fair. But it happens all the time to many, if not most, of us.
I know I hide my emotions behind stoicism, blunt affect, intellectualism. Like the woman you mentioned, I was startled when I realized I was OK just how I was. I didn't need to be fixed in a way that would make me meet society's standards for being/appearing normal. I remember telling a therapist, guardedly, that I hated my father, expecting her to tell me I had to forgive him or I had to let go of the anger. Instead, she said, "It is perfectly OK for you to hate your father. You don't have to love people who aren't nice to you. You don't even have to around them or be nice to them." And when I told her I suffered from a deplorable lack of friends, she told me that was OK, too. While growing up, I had pounded into me the message that "friends are what make life liveable and wonderful." That had not been my experience with friendships. My mom is very gregarious and usually gets over 100 birthday cards every year from all of her friends. She even has 2 or 3 very close friends. I have no close friends. But now I know that is OK. It is also OK to want close friends and to pursue them. But now I know it is not an absolute necessity for enjoyment of life. That meant a lot to me.
I also learned it is okay to screw up. I honestly did not know that. Perfection had always been my goal and I considered it reachable. If I made a mistake, II always found a way to punish myself. We won't get into that here. Now, I can look around and see everyone makes mistakes. Absolutely everyone. I no longer internally curse my stupidity.
And it is learning these kinds of things (there are many more) about self that help me deal with depression and schizophrenia. It is OK to have both of these mental illnesses just like it is okay to have a migraine. Depression and other forms of mental illness do not negate my personal rights to choose how I will live my life, how I will respond to family an others, what and whom I decide to eliminate from my life, etc. I am OK!!!
Donna
Wow Donna, your post really struck home to me, It could have been me you were writing about. Because like you, I put on a front, a stoic, or in some cases a friendly face to hide fear, depression and anxiety, people assume that I should have dozens and dozens of friends... I dont. Ive always been taught too, that its a mark of who you are, how nice you are, as to how many friends you have. Ive had a huge problem with this. I cannot stand, wont be false and pretentious and so, having been hurt deeply and put up with abusive friendships for many years via disloyalty etc., I put an end to some very unhealthy relationships in the past year or two. Nope Im not seeking perfectionism in friendship, just a decent level of congruence, affection and loyalty. So, ive ended up with very very few friends. No romantic liason - having believed for years, that something was better than nothing. ~ I have gotten great help from your article, although not about friendship per se. Your comments about it being OK not to have friends has meant alot to me. It's wonderful too when you can say, yes, I suffer from Depression/Schitzophenia or whatever the Mental dis order, and feel you dont owe the world an explanation. Thanks for a wonderful post. It helped me feel less isolated.
Rose, below is a Personal Bill of Rights that has helped me a lot during the last 10 yrs. I don't remember where it came from -- I think a therapist gave it to me.
Personal Bill of Rights
I have a right to all those good times I have longed for all these years and didn't get.
I have a right to joy in this life, right here, right now -- not just a momentary rush of euphoria but something more substantive.
I have a right to relax and have fun in a safe and nondestructive way.
I have a right to actively pursue people, places and situations that will help me in achieving a good life.
I have a right not to participate in either the active or passive "crazy-making" behavior of spouse or boyfriend, of parents, of siblings, of children and of others.
I have the right to say no whenever I feel something is not safe or I am not ready.
I have a right to take calculated risks and to experiment with new strategies.
I have a right to change my mind and my strategy if I choose to.
I have a right to "mess up", to make mistakes, to "blow it", to disappoint myself, and to fall short of the mark.
I have a right to leave the company of people who deliberately or inadvertently put me down, lay a guilt trip on me, manipulate or humiliate me, or hurt me physically or emotionally.
I have a right to put an end to conversations with people who make me feel put down and humiliated.
I have a right to all of my feelings.
I have a right to trust my feelings, my judgments, my hunches, my intuition.
I have a right to develop myself as a whole person emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically and psychologically.
I have a right to express all my feelings in a nondestructive way and at a safe time and place.
I have a right to as much time as I need to experiment with this new information and these new ideas and to initiate changes in my life.
I have a right to sort out the information my spouse or my parents gave me, to take the acceptable and dump the unacceptable.
I have a right to a mentally healthy, sane way of existence, though it will deviate in part, or all, from my spouse's and/or parents' prescribed philosophy of life.
I have a right to carve out my place in this world.
I have a right to follow any of the above rights, to live my life any way I want, and not wait until my family members get well, get happy, seek help or admit there is a problem.
Rose, below is a Personal Bill of Rights that has helped me a lot during the last 10 yrs. I don't remember where it came from -- I think a therapist gave it to me.
Personal Bill of Rights
I have a right to all those good times I have longed for all these years and didn't get.
I have a right to joy in this life, right here, right now -- not just a momentary rush of euphoria but something more substantive.
I have a right to relax and have fun in a safe and nondestructive way.
I have a right to actively pursue people, places and situations that will help me in achieving a good life.
I have a right not to participate in either the active or passive "crazy-making" behavior of spouse or boyfriend, of parents, of siblings, of children and of others.
I have the right to say no whenever I feel something is not safe or I am not ready.
I have a right to take calculated risks and to experiment with new strategies.
I have a right to change my mind and my strategy if I choose to.
I have a right to "mess up", to make mistakes, to "blow it", to disappoint myself, and to fall short of the mark.
I have a right to leave the company of people who deliberately or inadvertently put me down, lay a guilt trip on me, manipulate or humiliate me, or hurt me physically or emotionally.
I have a right to put an end to conversations with people who make me feel put down and humiliated.
I have a right to all of my feelings.
I have a right to trust my feelings, my judgments, my hunches, my intuition.
I have a right to develop myself as a whole person emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically and psychologically.
I have a right to express all my feelings in a nondestructive way and at a safe time and place.
I have a right to as much time as I need to experiment with this new information and these new ideas and to initiate changes in my life.
I have a right to sort out the information my spouse or my parents gave me, to take the acceptable and dump the unacceptable.
I have a right to a mentally healthy, sane way of existence, though it will deviate in part, or all, from my spouse's and/or parents' prescribed philosophy of life.
I have a right to carve out my place in this world.
I have a right to follow any of the above rights, to live my life any way I want, and not wait until my family members get well, get happy, seek help or admit there is a problem.
Many thanks Donna, Thats a wonderful list. I did have a list I got during an assertiveness class ie I have a right to say no etc., but that list goes further and seems to be dealing with dysfunction in families too. Many thanks, I will print an save. it. Now, if I could only really live by those rights !
Sorry this posted twice -- looked and it wasn't there, so I tried a second time.
Hi, Donna -
Thank you - you've added a lot of great ideas here. You make me wonder about the strangeness of our upbringing that leads us to need permission to feel good about who we are and what we do. Feeling itself becomes taboo, and it takes years to relearn that we're deserving of our own lives.
John