Wow!  You must have known my ex.  A manipulative, glowering, scary, controlling, jealous, sexually abusive man.  I really had no idea there was such a thing.  I mean, maybe in books and movies or whispered about through the grapevine.  But it never entered my mind that I might fall into that kind of trap.  I considered myself a savvy 24-yr-old, in my last year of college, away from home for the first time that year.  I was very depressed and lonely.  You know, now that I look back it was quite obvious what his intentions were and of what his character consisted (= shit.)

It turned out that I was quite savvy about physics, English lit, art history, etc., but very naive and impressionable when it came to realtionships.  My past was utterly devoid of female companionship and dating had consisted of very "safe" dates with guys from my church who knew my dad would kill them if they laid a hand on me.  Out on my own was another thing completely.

Boy, I could write a whole book on the subject (and maybe I will some day) and parts of it would seem ridiculously absurd (my hopes he would change).  My husband would seem ridiculously absurd (he was addicted to cross-dressing and wearing diapers and pretending he was pregnant and viewing online pornography.  What a mess!)  I went along meekly with all his schemes and he treated me very badly.  Our marriage lasted 13 years, at the end of which I had a complete psychotic break and attempted suicide 3 times.

I had been taught that as a "good Christian wife" I should be tolerant and loving and submissive.  That's what the Bible teaches, after all.  I grew more and more livid with white-hot anger, all of which I confined to my journal but never showed outwardly.  I began to dissociate to escape the abuse.

He told me where to work (where he worked so he could keep an eye on me,) where I could go for lunch, that I could not have my own car or bank account.  He never wanted me to visit my nearby family.  Gym membership was allowed only at women-only fitness clubs.  I was to give him sex whenever he wanted, however he wanted it, as many times a day as he wanted it.  Often twice a day.  He told me what to wear, that I had to wear contacts instead of glasses, that I had to get breast implants.

I did everything he asked, thinking that if I could only learn how to please him and do things "the right way" (nothing was ever right) that he would love me in return.  Nope.  It never happened.

Divorce, instigated by my outraged sister, finally pulled the plug on our marriage and let that filth slowly drain out of my mind and body.  But it's still not all gone.  I have body-memories when any man gets near me physically, and want to RUN!  Like a rabbit from a wolf.

The things you said, John, are exactly right and unerringly true.  There are lots of truly narcissistic men out there who want nothing more than to have what amounts to sex-slave wives and someone to do the housework, while looking like a million dollars.  It can't be done.  No one can live up to their demands and expectations.  You are right on the money -- there are hints if only you are looking for them.  If something seems odd or disturbing early in your relationship, it is only likely to blow itself up out of all proportion after commitment to marriage or a partnership.  And it never goes away.  And it is so disappointing and causes such anger.  AND...the only thing to do is to dissolve the relationship ASAP and come away with your life.

Especially for a woman who is already prone to depression, these kinds of abusive relationships are deadly.  Take the warning seriously.

jpw2008

7/ 8/10 1:55pm

Hi

I'm sorry you had to go thru that.

I have no idea what its like to go thru that

I hope I can get help so I'm not like that anymore

I dont crossdress or wear diapers.

But I've thought of being a women

I don't understand what happens why men do that

Thank You for your expressions

I hope they help you

Jon

Donna-1

7/ 8/10 2:25pm

jpw, you are a strong person to be able to look at yourself and see what needs to be changed.  You change not all at once, but by making steady steps forward, one at a time.  I believe change is possible.  But you know the old joke: "How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, if the lightbulb wants to change."  Your desire and willingness to change will propel you forward.  Maybe others that read this will know of some good literature for you to read.  I bet there is some out there.

 

Donna

John Folk-Williams

7/11/10 2:31am

Hi, Donna -

 

First, I need to apologize to all here for being AWOL for a couple of weeks and failing to respond to these powerful comments. A lot's been happening in the family - the important side - and on the computer disaster front. Still not out of the woods so I'll only get here sporadically for a while.

 

Thank you for discussing this 13-year hell - it can't be easy to bring that up. Reading your story, I can only imagine the psychological torture and pain. It seems incredible that these relationships can go on for so long when you're an outsider, but I know the psychic impact is overwhelming and completely disempowering - just as intended by the controlling monster who's trapped you.

 

Thank God for your sister and for your strength to withstand such deep abuse and regain your own inner integrity as a person. To look back on it all and write in so helpful a way for others says so much you.

 

You are a treasure!

 

John

This is a good article, John.  I believe I've also read/heard that women who have grown up with fathers like this are more prone to pick similar men as partners, in a sub-conscious attempt to master the situation.  So, I would think that if you are a woman with this kind of history, you would want to be especially attentive to signs of this and your tendency to put up with it.  It might be a "comfortable" situation because that's all you've known, but there are good men out there that are worth looking for.

John Folk-Williams

7/11/10 3:11am

Thanks, Judy - That's great advice. Why we get attracted to certain people is so mysterious - and unconscious. Since we get into such deep love and relief to find the "right" person, it's so much later that the real character of your mate stands out more clearly. Luckily - after some close calls - my wife and I chose each other because on some level we knew we balanced each other and could offer help with the similar issues we'd had to deal with. So, we avoided marrying a mother or a father figure and recreating the mess we grew up with. Wish it worked that way for everyone.

 

John

Men may be emotionally abusive in the ways you describe, but women and be equally abusive in completly other ways.  Men my try to control or dominate directly, but in my case my ex control indirectly through all of our friends and family.  Many women do not understand how emotionally destructive it can be when a women confides your secrets about your relationship issues.  Especially when it is a "night out with the girls" and drinks tend to make for loose lips.  I is hard to face people in public when this occurs as it makes us feel worthless.  Also many women who are primary care givers of the children use that very privilage as ammunition against the working husband.  While I understand how challenging being a mother can be, most women in this situation do not understand the pressure that puts on the man to succeed to support a single family income.  That being late sometimes or being out of tune with worry sometimes is not an excuse to berate a spouse.  Especially in front of the children.  Men tend to internalize most of their worry over work and when the women shuts him down at home it almost becomes natural to shut down at home as well.  Over time this builds up and I guess it causes what most would call "passive agressive behavior".  I call it self preservation.  I have been diagnosed for 12 years as being bipolar, I hold a steady job, and I take my medication, but that is not always enough to prevent the cycles.  What is worse is that when you have to live in fear of the cycles and not be allowed to feel them, because you are afraid of being called "crazy".  I other words I was never allowed to be bipolar but whenever there was a fight and got upset is was becasue "see you are bipolar".  Fortuanately I left my ex 8 yrs ago and have a much more stable life with a women how understands what it is like to be flawed.  So emotional abuse can be a two way street it is just that the streets may be different and it has nothing to do with being bipolar.  When another person does not let the other be "who they really are" that opens the door wide open for emotional abuse.

While all of these things are true, I think it is important to point out that friends and other family members can dole out emotional abuse as well. For instance, I have a daughter who was so emotionally abusive, I had to leave my own apartment and get a new one-bedroom apartment elsewhere. She is still abusive, but I have begun setting boundaries and limits to what I will accept from her. For example, if she begins to yell at me on the phone, I tell her she can call me the next day when she has calmed down, say goodbye, and hang up.