All the lists of depression symptoms include the loss of self-esteem, but reducing it to a phrase says nothing about how it affects daily life. For me, constant self-comparisons to other people make it all too real.
In this post, I’ll describe what I do and how I think about this habit of comparing when I’m depressed, and in the next post I’ll detail the ways I finally learned how to keep this kind of mental action from taking over.
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When I’m depressed, my self-esteem is an ugly doormat. I seem to invite everyone to walk right over me. With this bottom-of-the-shoe view of the world, nothing comes more naturally than comparing myself to every friend, colleague, or famous person who comes to mind.
I never do well in these match-ups, and that's the whole point. My depressed mind sees them all as ideal beings while, by comparison, I'll never come close.
Without exception, I know they are smarter, more accomplished, better looking, wealthier and generally much more successful than I am.
There is only one script here: they are always better, I am always worse. How could it be any different, I think in despair, when I’m such a depressed mess of a person?
I wonder if you’ve you worked as hard as I have to push yourself by comparisons into the loser’s corner?
How about this.
For real self-torture, I show up at a college reunion.
Naturally, I can safely assume that all the classmates I’ll meet there have done better than I have. Nevertheless, I tell myself not to think that way, but comparisons are my private elephant in the ballroom I walk into. I pretend not to notice it but can't think of anything else.
And so I greet them, wincing inwardly as I smile congratulations:
- He’s an award winning journalist (I'm not.)
- She started her own company (I didn't.)
- He’s got a law practice (I could have been but wasn't.)
- She’s a doctor (She has it all, I don't.)
- He got elected to the school board. (I should have done that.)
- I don’t know what he does, but his smile is bigger than the room. (I can't even smile.)
Even the ones who don’t say much about what they do are obviously wittier, more likable, better parents than I am.
They’re even happy! (I’m so depressed I hardly know what the word means.)
Of course, they make a fuss over me - oh you’re looking great, you’re lucky to do such interesting work, you live in such a beautiful place, you’ve always been a role model for me. But I know that’s just politeness - either that or I’ve succeeded in fooling them. I’m such a fraud!
I cringe in shame until those cringing muscles are sore, and I wear myself down with all this noise in my head. I get out of there as soon as I can to get back to my darkened life. Why did I ever try to step out of it?
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I honestly don't know if I have had a problem with self-esteem. I am keeping that separate from social anxiety which is kind of an unnamed, floating fear of people looking at me and demanding that I say something. I am rarely worried about how I look or how I am perceived by others. I just like to be alone rather than with people. (See -- I even started every sentence with "I" so maybe the problem is inflated ego.)
But I do have a friend who has been depressed most of his life. I worked in the same office as he did for 10 years and then dated him for a while after I got a divorce. He constantly thought everyone else had a better life than he did. Someone else had beautiful children while Tom was still a virgin. Someone else had already repaid their school loans while Tom's wages were garnished because he wasn't making payments on time. Someone else obviously leads the life of a princess because she has money, a nice house, an luxury car, and no cavities. (He actually harped on the "no cavities" bit because his teeth are not perfect.) And, naturally, he believed most everyone was free of mental torture but him. No matter what I have said to convince him otherwise, Tom focuses on what others have and what he does not, like your meeting with old acquaintences.
But too many times, the subject has come up and I make a real effort at convincing him he DOES have a lot to be thankful for, and he denies it. It is like he WANTS to feel bad about himself/his life. I wish I knew how to help him. And maybe there was a time when I felt the same way. Thank God I've been able to move on.
Donna
Moving on from problems with self-esteem is an enormous step! In fact, it's hard for me to imagine depression without this problem in some form - though the constant comparisons may not happen for everyone. You're lucky to have avoided that dimension of depression. By the way, starting every sentence with I is one of the legacies of depression I deal with - in depression I was completely self-absorbed, and everything revolved around me. That's pretty common, I think.
I developed the sense I was somehow wrong long before depression clearly set in. And I mean way back there as soon as I became fully aware of myself as an independent little person. Perhaps depression and the self-esteem issue aren't so inseparable.
John