I agree with you, John and Judy, on everything you said. Earlier in the day I had thought about writing a post on how depression can (and often does) start in childhood. A child is basically powerless in her own mind and nothing leads her to think otherwise. Mom and Dad made all of my decisions until I was 18. I was never taught how to decide what was right for ME. So, although depression started about age 12, it really hit me about age 16 through 18 when the realization dawned on me that there were a lot of things coming up that were really totally my decision. Whether to have sex, use drugs, smoke, drink, whether to go to college and what to major in or whether to get a job, where to live. But there were still all of those "unwritten laws" in my head that my parents had planted there from birth. And the most difficult decision was whether to blindly adhere to their laws or whether to start making my own. Their laws were strict religious laws. And not just the Ten Commandments from God, but the other One Hundred and Fifty Commandments from my parents that were basically based on the Bible. Actually, you know, that's what the Pharisees in the Bible did -- make many "extra" laws around the original ten in hopes that these extra laws would stop them before they got to one of the Ten. And Jesus called them hypocrites.
Hypocrisy. That's the word. When I could make my decisions, one of the biggest was whether to practice adherence to Biblical precepts simply out of habit, or whether I really believed them in my heart. It wasn't a point of no return, but it was a point from which to begin exploration of my personal beliefs. And I simply didn't know how to do that, which led to Major Depression.
All through my life, I have constantly faced that dilemma of trouble making decisions for myself. I have been quite content to let others make my decisions for me, for the most part. And I TRULY believe that the depression began to go away when I realized I had the Power to choose (and even the Expectation from others that I should choose) my own direction in life. Wow -- it seems that would be so natural. But it isn't. At age 52, it is still very difficult. I'm constantly weighing what others want me to do against what I really want to do and it is sometimes a burden to decide. Please others or myself. Sometimes I choose to do one, sometimes the other. And that's the way it should be.
Hi, Donna -
It is amazing how long it takes to pull your own mind and judgment out of childhood and adolescence. My parents weren't at all directive and rule-oriented as yours, but somehow I grew up creating all sorts of limitations to my thinking and feeling. The conflict in the family gave me powerful examples that frightened me into developing a restricted view of myself. The point was safety and survival. Breaking out of that narrow mindset took years - letting myself express what I was feeling openly is still a problem.
When you say things are still hard at age 52, I know just what you mean. Some of us have to keep going back to basics about who we are and trying to shake the shoulds that went so deep in childhood.
John
Isn't it something...how closely related low self esteem is with depression? I often wonder which comes first. For me...it is the re-playing of bad things people have said in the past...usually from childhood.
I wish meditation worked for me...all that breathing...makes me nervous! lol
What helps me sometimes is logic...that no individual can be all bad including myself. It is easier to think that one is no good because...then you have no where to fall..you are already at the bottom. I think the avoidance of feeling good about oneself is...a way to avoid pain because...we are controlling the pain of self infliction. If that makes sense.
Really like your post...I am sure many members can relate. I like how you bare your soul here...anyone can write a technical how to article but...not everyone can share their vulnerability. I believe these types of posts are the most helpful.
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Thanks for the post, John. What I like about it is that you talk so well about how we have to look at the depression and the negative thoughts/feelings that produce it, how it works, where it came from. I really do believe that having these experiences as children can certainly be a cause of depression and not a result of it - I mean, how much more hopeless can it get? As a child, you see no end to it, no light at the end of the tunnel, and like you're just "doing time" with your life.
I have done some mindfulness meditation, but I have a hard time with the discipline required to carve out the time for it. I've been doing EMDR for quite a while and some of it is similar to the meditation in that thoughts kind of disappear and you are left with the emotions that have been blocked in and which eventually pass through and you realize you don't have to feel like that forever. You want to be able to recognize the things that trigger the negative feelings and irrational ideas from the past, to just deal with the here and now and not have to repeat ancient history over and over.
Thanks again for sharing your experience with this.
Hi,. Judy -
I know how hard meditation can seem to be and how much time it takes. There's a great clip on YouTube of Pema Chodron talking about not meditating as the answer. She's dealing with the sense most people have that it's a huge struggle to make the time, get the practice right and clear the mind of all the distracting thoughts. Thinking of it as a process or skill to master puts the emphasis on the wrong thing - she makes the point by sounding the soft gong at the end of a brief moment of meditation. The only time you're really meditating is when you hear the gong - that's the instant when the mind is still.
EMDR or any number of exercises can be a substitute for the same effect. I certainly don't think of what I do as meditation practice in any traditional sense. Whatever works and comes naturally is exactly what each of us should do.
John