That's similar to what happens through meditation practice. I observe the feeling but don't dismiss it as an illusion. It's part of me, and I let myself experience it. Feelings don't last all that long if I let myself live with them. If I try to avoid or keep them in check, they seem to become more powerful.
If I can be this feeling observer - even for a little while - I know there’s hope that the space apart from depression can grow until it’s bigger than that dark side.
Once I'd gotten that far, then the methods of cognitive therapy became much more effective. Becoming mindful of the feelings of depression made it easier to look more critically at the verbal thoughts that expressed all the negativity.
Cognitive therapy is not about substituting positive statements for the negative ones crowding your mind. It’s more about looking at the specifics of the actions and events that trigger the self-condemnation. In that way, it’s possible to look at experience more realistically rather than in the absolute terms of depressed thinking.
For example, if I'm depressed and see that I'm going to miss a deadline at work, I am gripped with shame and panic. I'm instantly convinced I've ruined everything. "How could I have done that? I'm a complete screw-up, the whole project is a failure. I'll lose this client and never get another one again. I can't do anything right ."- And a lot more of the same.
With a cognitive therapy approach, the first thing I try to do is hold off on the self-judgment and focus on what actually happened. This is by no means an easy thing to do, especially in the early days of trying to use this method. So I forced myself to write down all the specifics, leaving out every word of judgment. This is the deadline. The report includes everything on the checklist except for one item. X has that information. I haven't been able to reach X for this reason.
Then I can look at what I might be able to do about this specific problem. I can try another way to get the information. I can call the client, explain what's happening, see if it's OK to send the report without that missing piece - and so on. The reality of the facts is more complicated than the simple-minded judgment of depressed thinking.
I go through a similar process when I compare myself to someone else and can feel nothing but shame at how worthless I am. If I can list out what I really know about the person, it usually becomes obvious that I don't know much at all. Whoever he is doesn't matter. I just wanted a trigger to remind myself of how bad I was.
Exercises like these have helped build new skills that I've been able to apply so often they've become a new mental habit. They've enabled me to experience myself realistically and get rid of the absolute judgments of depression about who I am.
Have these methods of mindfulness and cognitive therapy been helpful to you? How do you try to rebuild self-esteem?
