Hi John!
Reading about your experience...so rich with detail...is like taking the journey with you through and out of depression. So do you feel that pride was geting in the way of your own wellness? What was it like to acknowledge that...yes...something is up here and it may be depression?
I am also fascinated by the many uses of post-it notes...other members talk about writing themselves positive notes and putting them on their mirror. What did your post-its say?
Early warning signs...yes this is very important to recognize. For me it is a change in sleep patterns first...I am either too wired and unable to sleep or I want to sleep a lot. This is a little more difficult now that I have MS...my disease also disrupts my sleep. I guess also...feelings of great self doubt...that I cannot do anything. And a weighted feeling in my chest (another member just talked about this feeling).
Great post...thank you for sharing so much of yourself here. Looking forward to reading more of you.
Thank you so much! I guess the only way I can talk about these issues is by looking at my own experience - and I'm always glad when that's enough to get through to folks.
The post-it notes I've used often have a key phrase, usually inspired by therapy. Once a therapist helped me find an image or sound that could trigger recalling a useful response to oncoming depression. For example, one of those was the sound of a bat hitting a baseball (I won't try to explain that - too long a story). So I kept a note up that just said "the crack of the bat." It was really effective at evoking the situation I needed to think about - or re-experience. Another was a quick thought - "anxiety is energy without purpose, so put it to use." There have been all sorts of phrases at different times, and I need to keep things within sight to keep them in mind.
I always feel for you about the combination of MS with everything else you've had to deal with. It adds to my amazement at your accomplishments as a writer, mom, and everything else.
All my best -
John
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John, I could really identify with your description of going through episodes of depression. For me, some early warning signs are numbness, avoiding going out of the house or seeing people, negative and fatalistic thinking and unusual irritability about small things. However, what's hard is figuring out whether they're just passing through or if they're an actual indication of going downhill. I try to make myself socialize even when I don't feel like it, which usually helps somewhat. Medication has never totally eradicated it but it usually keeps it from getting to a crisis point; on the other hand, sometimes I get to the crisis point anyway and some change gets made to my meds in hopes of stopping the acuteness. I've gone through this so many times that I often start the self-blame right away and feel like I should just be able to "buck up." I usually have to talk to someone, like my therapist, to start getting out of it. It does really start getting old sometimes!
Hi, Judy -
It sounds like you've been able to do well at managing the symptoms. It's true the early signs and the whole mess get old - decrepit in fact - as you have to go through it over and over. But whatever helps - go for it. The feeling that I ought to be able to stop the cycle by myself sounds to me now like just another version of the depression voice telling me I'm no good. We need whatever help we can get!
John
Dear John, you are so wise, with much work I'm sure, you have learned to manage your illness. I'm still working hard on mine, it's exhausting to be sure. One of the first clues I get that I;m spiraling down, is that I stop eating, secondly I do not want to go anywhere, and of course there are many other subtle signs but on a less conscious level. Lately I've felt pretty good(knock on wood) but winter coming on terrifies me because that is usually my worst time. Already the days are getting shorter and I really dread the dark short days coming. Best to you and thanks, Sioux.
Hi, Sioux -
I know that feeling of expecting the small signs to get worse and believing it almost inevitable that depression would return. Not only return, but keep lurking in the background all the time so I could never rest easy. I've never had the seasonal problem, though, with short, darker days over the winter bringing on episodes that were worse or more frequent than usual. That must be especially hard to deal with - Does that seem like a separate problem or just more of the same? I've read a little about light therapy for SAD, but I don't have any experience with it. Has anything in particular helped you at that time of year?
My best -
John