I struggled with all sorts of treatments, feeling only partial or temporary improvement. But I couldn’t wait to be cured altogether before stopping the behavior that was wrecking my family and undermining my work. There were symptoms I learned to recognize early, and I worked at building habits to protect others, long before I was anywhere near recovering from depression.

These steps are still important, though now they’re second nature. They may sound obvious, but depression makes each one a heavy load to lift.

• I have to recognize what’s happening. For a long time, I’d deny that anything was wrong, but my wife was always alert to the early signs - the irritability and fault-finding, tension, the grim face, avoiding eye contact - and she’d ask if anything is wrong. The question would set me off. Of course not! I’d get angry and surly. Symptoms would build until I withdrew completely.

• When an episode subsided, I could talk with her about what had happened. I’d be full of remorse and promise to change, but apologies after the fact don’t help. She’d already felt the brunt of my anger and isolation, and that damage couldn’t be undone. Gradually, though, those talks helped me learn to stop the denial and listen to what she was telling me in that early phase - before I disappeared in depression. After a while, I could catch myself without having to wait for her to warn me.

• Those moments of recognition made all the difference on how I acted with her and our children. For a long time, I couldn’t keep myself from becoming deeply depressed, but at least I could see what was happening and stop abusing my family.

• I’d keep telling myself that depression is a condition I have. There is another me here somewhere, and I'm going to be that person again.

• And I’d try to hold on to another idea: that I couldn’t expect to stop depression by willing it away, and I couldn’t be discouraged if my best efforts didn’t work. I needed to give myself time and space to fail, knowing that each failure could teach me something about handling the next bout.

I believe that the measure of success in recovery is not the ability to stop the immediate episode. A quick fix isn’t a cure. It's the long-term changes that are critical for getting beyond depression.

As I became more alert to the warning signs, everything fell into place. I made these ideas my own, sometimes writing them on post-it notes and sticking them in spots I couldn’t miss. They became a habit, and these days I know what’s happening in an instant and then start using the other defenses I’ve learned.

I’ll detail several of those in another post, but in the meantime perhaps you could let us know what you do. Have you been able to pick up the early warning signs? How did you develop the ability to do that? What’s the first thing you notice when depression is coming on?