Depression for me was a feeling that something was terribly, terribly wrong. Only I didn't know what was wrong. I ended up thinking it was me -- I was all wrong. Wrong childhood, wrong high school crowd, wrong college major, wrong spouse, wrong wrong wrong. Some I had control over and some I didn't. But definitely nothing was right. Or that was all I could see. Somehow, I lost sight of the positive things I had accomplished. Depression tends to do that to you. And somehow, I felt responsible for the fact I was despondent and suicidal. I "should" have done something different, made different choices, reacted in a different way.
Then, to add to the mayhem, my doctor introduced me into a years-long cycle of hospitalizations. Like you, John, I thought maybe if I could just get to a place where all the decisions would be made FOR me, then a bad one wouldn't be my fault. Everything was provided at the hospital -- meds on time, therapy, sitting in a dayroom in front of a TV, meals even chosen for me. All I had to do was take one breath after the other and swallow another pill. Or sign up for electrodes to zap my brain over and over, leaving me in a shallow pool of semi-consciousness (ECT.) "Something's gotta work," was my mantra. I tried one therapist after another until I found one who punished me with sarcasm and silence. I stayed with her for 5 years. The thing was, I expected SOMETHING or SOMEONE other than myself to be responsible for my recovery. I expected a cure with each change in medication.
Now I don't believe that many people who have major depression can simply think their way out of it with positive thoughts. It's not that easy. And all too often, the meds and ECT and therapy don't work, either. But I'm with you -- one slow step at a time. A little journal-keeping here, a little volunteer work there, making the effort to change my diet and to exercise, and just keeping at it day after day.
And I still have depression in the evenings. Despite the miracle Saphris has worked on my life. But I've learned not to base my decisions on anything I think or feel after 4pm...because that's when it settles in each day. I would give up on life completely if I believed what my after 4pm mind dreams up. But now that I know it's coming, I plan for it by not planning evenings out. By diverting my thoughts with books and television and music and yoga. When the sun goes down, my mind screams, "Let me out of here!!!" I feel trapped.
The days are mine now, however. The days are all mine. I shower, get dressed, run errands, maybe work for a couple of hours, exercise, visit with friends, and do all of my living during the day, when I can. Now, I don't believe the night me anymore. I believe the day me is the real me and I dismiss the night me like a bad dream.
Hi, Donna -
I'm so glad the Saphris is working well for you. If you can find an effective medication, I find that it takes the edge off the symptoms enough to enable me to do all the other daily activities like the ones you work with.
It's interesting that you have this late afternoon/evening depressed period. As I mentioned in the Q&A section when I responded to your question about this, the afternoon can definitely be the low point of the day, but for the most part depression runs through the whole day when it's really upon me. Since getting to my present level of recovery, though, it's been great to be able to keep going with good energy and only normal mood changes all day and evening too. An incredible change for me - I used to take stimulant meds as well as antidepressants to deal with the loss of mental capacity and energy every afternoon.
Take care -- John
John
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Hey John
I think you have hit the nail on the head with this post. I do think many folk...myself included...felt like...any one thing would cause me to stop being depressed and fast. Doesn't work that way. Working through depression is...well...work. Hard work. And it means a commitment to mental wellness. It is about upping the odds for feeling better with daily behaviors which one incorporates in their life.
I think the analogy to exercise could be right on. So many people approach weight loss for example with some quick scheme...and think that it will just happen instantly because this is how we want things to work and we have been promised this by the media. But if one were to say...it might take over a year of eating healthy and exercise even when you don't want to...who would listen to that?
We are an instant cure kinda culture. But the fact is that with depression...we have to chip away at it like a boulder...and on some days we might feel the effort is futile. But over time...this is when we see the difference.
Thanks for sharing your real life journey with us. Looking forward to hearing more.
Thanks, Merely Me -
The expectation of an instant cure is so pervasive, I agree completely, and when it's not instant the thing to do anyway is to take medication. It's the easiest thing for a primary care physician to do when faced with potentially complicated emotional and mental dysfunction. Try the simplest thing first - an antidepressant - and if that doesn't work, referral to a psychiatrist or therapist might be next. I'd be interested to know what proportion of physicians do that as opposed to simply trying more meds. First increase the dose, then add another one or switch, perhaps add a third - all this before there is a proper psych diagnosis. How often does that happen, do you think? Of course, psychiatrists also start right off with medication.
There was a December story about the increasing prevalence of meds over therapy. The medical world, as well as drug companies, seems to prefer to keep people in the passive status of patients there to be cured by them. So it's no wonder we on the receiving end sit and wait for the cure to happen. The model just doesn't work with mental health. Looking into all this makes a strong case for becoming an activist for change.
John