John, you do pose some interesting questions that I have briefly considered, but never had an answer to. I'm still not sure I know. Most of my life, except for a few short years, was depressed with non-depressed moments. I'm certainly not as depressed as I used to be and I expect to be on antidepressants for the rest of my life unless they stop working. What I'm hoping for is some resolution to what I believe is at the core of it all - abuse and neglect that had me believing I wasn't worth anything and whatever else negative you can think of. My rational mind knows better but those immature parts of me are still at work and I'm trying to come to some kind of truce with them. The difficulty comes when something triggers them, such as a conversation with my mother or worrying about what will be expected of me when my parents can't take adequate care of themselves, which will be sooner than later. I can go through the motions of doing what I have to, but I feel I'm lacking enough compassion to make it bearable. And then I feel terrible about THAT!
I guess I could say that I don't live in constant fear of deep depression any more because I know what to do if I have an acute episode so that it doesn't last so long. Plus, not having to work any more takes away the stress of having to present a professional, "cheerful" front for others eight hours a day, which used to send me into a panic. I'd probably have to say that I do look at it as a part of who I am because it certainly has had a strong influence on my life, but it's not all I am.
Hi John,
Yes, that is an interesting post. I am sliding into a depression now...and not sure sometimes the right things to do. Ignore it and distract. Or talk about what is going on. I struggle with this in knowing how to avert an episode or reduce its length. Do I talk about the feelings and thoughts or distract or both? I really don't feel like talking about the stuff. Or don't have the opportunity immediately as something happens, not enough support and then I start to go into the depression. Then I have to force myself to talk when I start going into it because I see from the past how I have gotten out of it is to talk talk talk.
I do believe we can get to this place you talk about. And have permanent recovery and no longer identify with depression. I think it takes work and perseverence and action. Baby steps maybe toward the goal of being in a new identity. Tell me, do you think talking is what to do when you start to go into depression? What is your strategy when it starts to come on? I worry about my father so much, his feeling bad and then what Judy talks about, feeling that underlying worthless feeling triggered by something, this all starts a depression.
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My depression began at age 8 and I really do not remember any "recovery" or "well-being" periods...just deep depression and deeper depression. That is, until now. I have felt relatively free of depression since last November, and I am 52. I never thought the day would come. I had tried everything, read everything, prayed everything, hoped everything, with no positive results until I started taking Saphris. Over the past 7 years, I could tell the depression was beginning to lift a little because I didn't feel like total crap every minute of every day. Some days there was actual energy to spare. But for me, the symptoms of schizophrenia have also weighed in heavily on the side of depression and I felt as long as I had residual sz symptoms, the depression wouldn't totally go away. Saphris has also taken care of this. So for me, it is the miracle drug. Only on the occasional day do I now experience times of lethargy and emptiness, and maybe that is just part of the human condition. In other words, I'm still not sure what is "normal" and what isn't.
Do I believe I am completely recovered from depression and schizophrenia? Yes, I feel completely recovered, but not cured. I will doubtless have to take medication for both the rest of my life. And that is okay -- I can certainly do that. So, as for me, I believe the major depression has lifted once and for all. I don't believe it will be back. I just feel too good, different than I ever remember feeling before. That gives me hope and conviction. The biggest difference is that I no longer feel afraid of or judged by everyone. That was a constant cloud over my head. And I go to bed feeling as good as I do when I get up; whereas mornings had always been the only brief respite from debilitating sadness and hopelessness.
All those years when I was really depressed, however, I was convinced it was never-ending. I saw no signs it would ever stop. It was all I could remember. I never felt really well mentally. I thought I was an incurable pessimist, however, and now have at least been cured of the pessimism. I wouldn't say I am an incurable optimist; maybe I just can't imagine going back to that gloomy world and having to live there again. It is as if now I have stepped into the light, I have only an incomplete recall of what darkness was like.
What is weird is that I NEVER thought I would forget or get over the awful, awful depths of hopelessness, helplessness, worthlessness. Now, I no longer have an emotional connection to those terms -- they are only words.