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Hello John,
i came across your article and made me feel better as i have a similar situation with my partner.
After 20 years of marriage and life abroad of nearly 15 years things began to get very very difficult between us emotionally speaking. i had experienced two significant losses recently of both my parents one after another in a short time , gone in a dramatic way from cancer which left a big emotional scar inside me and all i wished was for my partner to aknowledge my griev and empathise with me as often as i felt down or felt not social or when not wanting to receive happy behaviour.
i tried to blaim our problem as two individuals who evolved in a new personas with years, a mixture of two cultures that differs from one another and affects how we feel about ourselfs at different times before having to realise how we feel about our partner. by having two cultures and living in the one we dont originally come from create a completely different relate to one another and often i feel we lost the clossness we use to have which makes me feel unloved, hopeless, apathic about life
i hope this is a good place to share my story, but if there is a forum with similar issues i would like to know about it
many regards
Anna
Hi, Anna -
I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of closeness with your husband, especially following the deep grief you have felt at losing your parents. I'm sure the pressure of cultural differences makes things even more difficult and the feeling of uprootedness that may be a part of that.
I think this is a good place to tell your story and find some support from people going through experiences like yours. The comments on posts by MerelyMe and the other depression bloggers here often include personal stories that might be helpful to you. There are also active forums at Depression Fallout and PsychCentral, among others. You can email me (john@storiedmind.com) for other posts I've written on this subject.
I know what a difference it can make to write about difficult experiences and learn from others who are struggling with similar problems. The blogging community has been important to my recovery.
Please let me know if I can offer any other help.
My very best to you,
John
Dear John- I have been in a relationship with a man who suffers from chronic depression for almost 2 years. I am so thankful for this website and the storiedmind.com website as it has given me incredible insight into this debilitating disease. When I read your posts, its almost as if I'm reading about my partner in many cases. He is pulling away from me emotionally and while I tell him how much I love him unconditionally and will be there to support him, it is very difficult for me. Basically, I am giving and he is not. He has withdrawn into his own world and tells me that being alone is how he finds peace. You speak of rage and anger and while I have only seen the anger on occassion, I have not seen the rage not to say that it isn't present when I'm not around. I see the amazing possiblities of who he is and can be and I love him more than anything but I'm close to letting it go. There is just so much non-emotion a person can handle from someone else. I know this is my issue but it's the fear of losing him...the fear of him being ok with me not around that scares me the most. It's complicated as I'm sure you are aware and this comment from me is only the tip of the iceberg. Thanks for listening.
Thanks for your kind words. I'm glad this writing has been of some help, but I'm sorry to hear about the crisis you're going through.
I would just offer a couple of things. One is that the rage I've written about isn't part of every depressed person's symptoms. There are so many ways the condition can show itself that it's hard to generalize.
Your emotional dilemma must be agonizing, especially since he's probably showing more anger and distance with you than anyone else - oddly enough, that's because you're the one he seems to be closest too. I'd remember that he probably can't hear what your saying - at least not the real meaning you're trying to communicate. If he's in the grip of depression, that mindset screens out everything positive as part of the isolation.
I understand so well the difficulty of loving without getting anything in return (since I've been on the withholding end and seen the consequences) - and it's important for you follow your own need to take care of yourself. It can't hurt him to know what's happening to the relationship and that you might just have to break it off. Honesty about that is better than holding back.
Lastly, I wouldn't worry - although you obviously can't avoid it - about his being happy with someone else. He'll just be carrying the same problems to a different relationship, and that won't change a thing. He may want to imagine that a new person will make all the difference and feel great for a time. But the same issues will inevitably come out all over again.
If he would agree to it, he really should get professional help at least to see how his condition looks to someone with complete objectivity.
I really hope this works out. Just remember that the problems are his - you haven't caused them. And you do have to take care of your own needs.
John
Thank you for answering me so promptly. I appreciate your comments immensely. I don't know anyone to talk to that has first-hand experience like you. As a result, it's been difficult for me to try to comprehend everything that he is going through and that I am going through (which is why I commend you on sharing your journey with us). He is in therapy (at my urging) and has been in and out of therapy his entire adult life. He is incredibly intelligent and aware of his affliction but that doesn't mean he has been able to work his way towards healing. He loves me (as much as he is capable) and expresses that to me when he can but the emotional roller coaster is so intense I don't know what to do. Anyway,I could go on and on but I won't. Thank you again for your words of wisdom.
Hi, Anonymous -
What you add about his therapy and awareness is certainly positive and could have been said about me for many, many years. It takes each person a lot of time to grasp the full extend of what h/she is going through and to find the right key to engineer recovery. I found, in looking back, that therapy tended to prolong the problem because somehow it created dependence. There was the reliance on finding the right therapist and medication as the answer rather than believing I could - and had to - do this with various kinds of help but under my own direction. I'm afraid there's no shortcut to making that shift. And it's up to you as to how much you can take.
I wish you all the best --
John
Hi John-thanks for the previous response. I am now at a point where I think I have to let him go and its the most painful thing I have ever done in my life. My love for him runs so deep but I have come to the realization, based on his comments and actions of pulling away from "us", that I can't blame the depression and medication any more, even though I think it is the culprit. I am about to enter therapy myself to help me through this and provide clarity. Your words of wisdom are also welcomed.
I am able to identify with living with someone with depression. I have been married 17 years and have seperated 2 times and sought out therapy for myself only to come to understand and finally absorb that all the medicine and talk therapy my husband has gotten, the symptoms of depression me and my children have lived through(rage, anger,to inability to communicate to heartfelt sorrow and extreme attentiveness) has been deeply painful. I too. love deeply and have grown stronger while learning I did not cause what I've been "accused" of at times. It is the depression and there is nothing I have been able to do to "cure" it. Nor is it in his control. I have had setbacks, I admit, I have so much compassion and don't want to lose the wonderful man he can be however my feelings are far to sensitive when the depression takes over. With aging it seems to have gotten worse and bouts are longer and closer together. Fortunately, I have a counselor who has guided me through these ups and downs and have managed to keep me "tough enough" for my chidren. I have been so concerned for their emotional well being and they seem to exspress their understanding with their dad and they also recognize when I need the support. We hang tough together when necessary. Fortunately they are older now. Living with someone who seems lonely and isolates himself has been challenging to say the least. But loving the wonderful husband and father makes it the ultimate challenge. I am seperated still and have had recently a death to deal with. My husband was great support,fortunately had just come out of a bout of depression 7 weeks ago, only to distant himself from the family once again 3 days ago. I am so hurt by this again and am upset with myself because I was "out of love" with him finally, I thought, but accepted his compassion during a vulnerable time. I am now sruggling to pick myself back up for my children as well while he has stopped communication and visits. I recognize this as a pattern and truly struggle resisting his apologies each time he feels better. They are heartfelt I truly believe but always happen again. Any advice is welcome.
Hi Identify
You had wanted comments...I am wondering if you might get more feedback if you would write your story in a sharepost so that people can see it.
I feel for you. This must have been some rollercoaster ride...and it sounds like you have been loyal and compassionate towards this man who has caused such upheaval in your life. It does seem that his pattern is to go back to isolation and not giving you what you need. It is sad that he suffers from depression but...you need certain things that he may never be able to give you. We only know the part of the story which you are sharing with us...but I am thinking that it may be healing for you to move on. But only you can decide such a thing. Depression can only go so far to explain someone's actions. I think you deserve more.
Please do let us know how you are doing. We want to hear from you.
I think you've done amazingly well in such a difficult situation lasting for so many years. You're so fortunate to have found a counselor to support your own great resilience - not many have the wisdom to care for themselves in that way or the ability to break free of the self-blame and conviction that they must be able to do something to fix the problem. You're right that he's sincere when he snaps out of depression, as I always was. Luckily I was able to stop blaming and get help, though nothing worked for long. Having the children come out of this in pretty good shape is itself remarkable since growing up with a serious depressive has a way of turning on the same problem in anyone with a vulnerability - that likely is inherited.
You're doing the right things - it's pretty much all you can do. It would be fine if you could never accept him again in his better state, but it's only human to want him back as he was at his best. The trouble is he's not the person he was, has to work on recovery and then reconstruct himself. Not many men - or women - actually get that degree of self-awareness.
It's not easy for me to look back at the pain I inflicted on my family in exactly the same way, though I could eventually get past it - only long past the prime years of family life.
My heartfelt best goes out to you. With all the ups and downs you're on the right track - and keeping distance from him until he can become more aware and get busy on recovery is the best course. If I were you, I'd have to assume that he just won't, and I'd get on with life.
John
I appreciate all the advice so much. This is hard for me. I do take responsibility for my inability to accept my husbands behavior completely concerning his depression. He doesn't talk much about the word depression, however he does take meds at times(I have always allowed myself to believe "this is the one") and counceling as well. I give him credit for doing that in itself. When he is sorry, he takes ownership in his behavior and reassures me he is better and I'm the best part of him which I allow to fufill my needs. I feel thats where I make my mistake over and over because I find myself to be left alone emotionally and physically over and over when he abandones our relationship soon there after. Being in such a strong place after 4 years of therapy myself,7 weeks ago I let my guard down so quickly by his convincing words of sorrow and compassion following some bouts of rages, I was there for him, believed him, felt sorry for him which was damaging to me in the end. He now just alienates with silence. I own that I need to set boundaries and keep a guard in place to protect my own emotional state,I'm just having trouble getting back there. The death in the family happened 2 weeks after this last bout of depression did not help, But I'm having a hard time absorbing those situations as a reason for my weakend feelings right now. I realize I have needs, I have a hard time also accepting his depression keeps him from fulfilling those needs. It is exausting, I need to let go for good I feel, and agree, however, thats been the tough move I have never followed through with all the way. My compassion and familialarity of the relationship, good or bad, is my stumbling block. I keep looking for rational answers to from an occasional irrational person. "Occasional" being the hurtful part of it all, and the hardest to accept as one of the damaging factors.
Hi - I have been given your link to read and it is wonderful, though it did make me shed a tear with relief...My husband was exactly what you described and now he is taking medication, though he wants to seperate for a while. I would like to send him this link but i feel that he will react negatively as Therapy is not an option for him.
Hi, Joey79 -
I hope the medication is working, but I found over a period of many years that most antidepressants, especially the ones that single out serotonin, left me feeling less depressed but only at the cost of deepening detachment for people. Nothing mattered so deeply anymore, and that itself is a symptom of depression. You shouldn't have to trade one aspect of the illness by worsening another. The problem was that detachment was my lack of awareness of what was happening. I continued to have problems with closeness during that whole time. Your husband could (I won't say "is" - obviously I don't really know what's going on) want a separation because he feels less of a bond.
Even if he doesn't get therapy, I hope he comes to understand that he's the one who can make a real difference in getting rid of depression. It's important to have a take charge attitude and not wait for any external treatment to work magic.
I so wish you well for a happy outcome to all this. I'm sorry you have to go through it.
John
Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. As a wife of a man who is depressed, it is helpful to hear that it is not my fault, but his. He has been isolating himself from me and his kids(my stepchildren). He says that he is numb and has a "cold heart". He has chosen to go as far as sleeping in another room and is going off on his own. His dad died 21/2 yrs ago and he says that is what started his depression. It has just been in the last 5 months that he has opened up to me. My question is: what would be the best way to handle him?
He says he needs to be alone and on his own because he is too dependent on me and he is causing me to be depressed as well. He says he wants me to live my life and not worry about him. He wants to be alone and deal with his issues by himself. Any advice would be greatly appreciated- I don't know if seperation is the answer- so he is in charge of his own life, his kids and hopefully he will see that I am not the problem. He saw a therapist 3 times and thinks meds are too mind altering. I think with meds and therapy he might start piecing back his life.
Am I being too naive?
thanks
Hello,
Thank you for this post. I have been playing the shift in the relationship between me and my husband in my mind over and over and over again, scratching my head to what went wrong and what changed. The things that you mention in your post is spot on to what I experienced; the withdrawn nature, anger, rage, sometimes happy/euphoric, most times not. The blame, the crazy acusations that were so untrue. It all made no sense to me but this post has cleared things up for me. I often thought that there may be a hint of depression with him and as things seemed to get worse, I even contemplated if bi-polarism was a factor. Unfortunately for me, my husband left and has filed for divorce from me. In his mind, it's all my fault and that I was so many negative things. It was all so confusing for me because this is the man that I love who now has morphed into someone I did't even know. There's something about knowing what you are dealing with that makes it better. I miss my husband and wished that things could be better. But I know that it has to be his choice to be and get better. I've been searching the net now for some time, just looking for answers and the closet that I came was in my search for "angry men". God put it on my spirit to search "depression and men and relationships", and I found you. Thank you for your post.
Hi,
While reading all of these posts I am starting to tear up. Even though my boyfriend and I have only been together for 11 months I have so much love for him he truly has my whole heart. My boyfriend told me he has seasonal depression I've only seen a few glimpses fortunately he kind of snapped out of it. However, just recently he found out that he has a fracture in his spine and his SAD has gotten worse, really bad. He told me that he needed to focus on his back and physical therapy and that he didn't care if that meant ruining relationships with others such as his mom and grandma which are there for him the most, as am I. Thereafter, he told me that we needed to take a break; he kept saying he didn't know what he was doing or what he wanted. I believe he is confused. I really want to be with this guy, he is such an amazing guy. He's mention before and quite a few times that I make him feel worthless, guilty and like an a**hole (sorry). Like I sad before he has told me this a couple of times and I always understood and tried to back off or let him know that I appreciate him and what he's done for me. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to be with him and I refuse to let SAD ruin our relationship - but that's just it, it's not up to me it's up to him and that scare me. I know he's not happy either with our relationship or the back problems or even both. I wish I could help him but I know that the only thing I can do is back off. I've notice that I want to avoid him to an extent because I'm afraid he will end things with me. My heart aches just thinking about it. Is there any advice, something I can do, something I shouldn't do to keep him? Like I said before I really don't want his SAD to get the best of our relationship. I really hope that if I back off and give him his space that eventually he will come around and our relationship will be better than it was before. I have done some research and I am going to continue doing research just for my peace of mind, apparently SAD can only get worse from now the heavier winter gets. I would really appreciate some advice or some kind of prayer. Like I sad I love this guy with all of my heart and I don't know what I would do without him or what I would do if SAD got in the way. Comments, advice are appreciated.
Thanks
Kelly
I can imagine how hard this is for you and am sorry your relationship has suffered this way. I'm afraid you're right, though. It is up to him to get the help he needs. What you can do is make clear that you love him and are there to offer support. It usually doesn't help to try to keep reminding him of that since frequent attempts to contact him can often backfire.
Whether or not this depression is seasonal doesn't really matter. It's still severe depression that interferes with his life. Isolating himself is a classic problem, but it's common because people in that kind of pain feel they can't face anyone. Any blame he directs toward you, though, is completely misplaced. It's not about you, it's inside him. Nevertheless, the pain he inflicts on you is all too real.
There's probably not a lot to expect from him unless he can get help - he won't get better on his own, though depressive episodes do come to an end eventually on their own. The problem is that if he waits for that, it's not a true recovery, and he'll probably have another episode before long.
I would urge you to get your own help to make sure you can keep up your self-esteem despite anything he might do or say. Sorry, I can't offer much encouragement, but I've been through this myself - unfortunately in his position, not yours.
You sure do have my prayer.
John
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 16 months now. He gets depressed quite a bit. I'm thinking he has seasonal depression because his depression really only occurs during the fall and winter and the beginning of spring. He broke up with me a few weeks ago. Three days after he broke up with me he came to me and told me he made a mistake and that he was just unhappy with things. I assumed he meant unhappy with me, but then he said it wasn't me he was unhappy with and that it was life. His job stresses him out and his life at home stresses him out as well. I told him he needed to stop breaking up with me whenever he gets depressed because I can't keep doing it. He said he needed to figure out why he does it so that he can stop doing it. We talked and hung out for a little over a week before he stopped talking to me again. He finally talked to me again a few days later and said that when he gets depressed he stops talking to me. I don't understand why though. We just got done spending a week talking everyday and seeing each other almost everyday. He told me over and over how much he loves me and that he would be lost without me. When we're together it's like there is no one else in this world, and its perfect. Just Thursday we were talking about how we're going to get back together and get married in a year or so. Well Friday morning came and he sent me my usual morning text telling me to have a good day and that he loves me. Well, that was the last time I've heard from him. It's now Wednesday. Even though he's done this before it feels like the first time all over again. It depresses me because I am worried about him when he gets like this, and because I miss him and when he does this I feel like he has gotten over me and doesn't want to be with me anymore. However, each time when he comes back he tells me that its not it at all and that he does love me. Everyone around me (my friends and family and his sister) all say that he'll be back around and that he does still love me. I right away assume theres another girl, but I have no real reason to think that and everyone says there is no other girl. He says that when he goes through these periods of not talking to me all he does is think about me or talk about me because he loves me and misses me. Well those feelings don't just go away, and deep down I know he loves me and well work things out, but when he gets like this I can't help but to feel like he doesn't love me anymore or has moved on.
This post was extremely helpful. I was dating the perfect boyfriend for 8 months. We talked and got along perfectly and very much in love. He was so loving and affectionate before winter came. When winter rolled in (the time he hits the peak of his depression according to his history) he began to seem less interested. (He even told me early winter that he was beginning to feel it). Then he stopped responding and eventually broke up with me. His family told me before that he had issues admitting he is having problems, so I wasn't surprised when he didn't keep me updated with how he was feeling. It's been about a month since the breakup. I know he tries to pretend like nothing is wrong so people don't get alarmed. I'm still struggling a lot, trying to move on (but at the same time I don't want to- we loved eachother more than anything). He wished me a happy birthday a couple weeks after we broke up and responded to me asking how he was. Just like some of the other people, it feels like it's just me that he can't handle the intimate relationship with right now. And it hurts thinking that it's just me. I'm still confused as to how/if/when I should contact him. I want him to know that I'm here for him. And I'm still hopeful that when spring comes around (when he usually feels better), the man I fell in love with will come back to me. But hearing everyone else's story and knowing I'm not the only one helps a lot. So thank you!
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Thanks so much John for writing this for My Depression Connection. We get so many members (usually girlfriends or wives) who write in asking about whether or not there is hope for their relationship with their boyfriend or husband who suffers from depression. I knew you had gone through this experience with your own relationship and so this is why I asked you to write something here. I find that people don't want some bullet point "how to" article about such things. They want to know that there is hope from someone who has gone through the experience themselves.
I will definitely be referring people to this post.
Along this same theme...my Question of the Week asks about the effects depression can have upon a relationship and specifically...can depression cause someone to fall out of love? As always our members gave some very profound answers.
Thank you again for contributing your time and for sharing your story.
This really struck a nerve with me because my wife has dealt with my depression as well. I have done search upon search and finally found a book called "I dont want to talk about it". I read thru it everynight when I went to bed. I ended up getting hung up at some point in the book and set it down for a while. I think because it tended to relate to addiction more to me than depression. I never got to finish it because things got really out of control with my wife and anxiety/depression the last year and a half. I will be reading it though, now that I am coming out of the darkness for the first time in my life.
Its truelly amazing what allergies can do to your life if not treated.
Pat
Thank you, Merely Me, for your encouragement. All I can do is write from my experience and hope it makes sense to others.
I've been reading the responses to your question, and they have a lot of wisdom from long experience. I look forward to learning a lot by participating here more actively.
John
Pat -
I hope you get a lot out of I Don't Want to Talk About It this time around. That author has a newer book called How Can I Get Through to You? That one isn't restricted to issues of depression but looks more generally at relationship issues. A big theme for Real is the stifling impact on relationships of the our culture that focuses men on what they can do, not who they are as people, and condemns the expression of feeling. I find he has great insight about how to get men, in particular, to open up in their relationships and in looking at themselves.
John