To the Partners of Depressed Men

This really struck a nerve with me because my wife has dealt with my depression as well. I have done search upon search and finally found a book called "I dont want to talk about it". I read thru it everynight when I went to bed. I ended up getting hung up at some point in the book and set it down for a while. I think because it tended to relate to addiction more to me than depression. I never got to finish it because things got really out of control with my wife and anxiety/depression the last year and a half. I will be reading it though, now that I am coming out of the darkness for the first time in my life.

Its truelly amazing what allergies can do to your life if not treated.

Pat 

Pat -

I hope you get a lot out of I Don't Want to Talk About It this time around. That author has a newer book called How Can I Get Through to You? That one isn't restricted to issues of depression but looks more generally at relationship issues. A big theme for Real is the stifling impact on relationships of the our culture that focuses men on what they can do, not who they are as people, and condemns the expression of feeling. I find he has great insight about how to get men, in particular, to open up in their relationships and in looking at themselves.

John

Thank you, Merely Me, for your encouragement. All I can do is write from my experience and hope it makes sense to others.

I've been reading the responses to your question, and they have a lot of wisdom from long experience. I look forward to learning a lot by participating here more actively.

John

Hi, Anna -

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of closeness with your husband, especially following  the deep grief you have felt at losing your parents. I'm sure the pressure of cultural differences makes things even more difficult and the feeling of uprootedness that may be a part of that.

I think this is a good place to tell your story and find some support from people going through experiences like yours. The comments on posts by MerelyMe and the other depression bloggers here often include personal stories that might be helpful to you. There are also active forums at Depression Fallout and PsychCentral, among others. You can email me (john@storiedmind.com) for other posts I've written on this subject.

I know what a difference it can make to write about difficult experiences and learn from others who are struggling with similar problems. The blogging community has been important to my recovery.

Please let me know if I can offer any other help.

My very best to you,

John

Dear John- I have been in a relationship with a man who suffers from chronic depression for almost 2 years. I am so thankful for this website and the storiedmind.com website as it has given me incredible insight into this debilitating disease.  When I read your posts, its almost as if I'm reading about my partner in many cases.  He is pulling away from me emotionally and while I tell him how much I love him unconditionally and will be there to support him, it is very difficult for me. Basically, I am giving and he is not.  He has withdrawn into his own world and tells me that being alone is how he finds peace. You speak of rage and anger and while I have only seen the anger on occassion, I have not seen the rage not to say that it isn't present when I'm not around.  I see the amazing possiblities of who he is and can be and I love him more than anything but I'm close to letting it go. There is just so much non-emotion a person can handle from someone else.  I know this is my issue but it's the fear of losing him...the fear of him being ok with me not around that scares me the most. It's complicated as I'm sure you are aware and this comment from me is only the tip of the iceberg. Thanks for listening.

Thanks for your kind words. I'm glad this writing has been of some help, but I'm sorry to hear about the crisis you're going through.

I would just offer a couple of things. One is that the rage I've written about isn't part of every depressed person's symptoms. There are so many ways the condition can show itself that it's hard to generalize.

Your emotional dilemma must be agonizing, especially since he's probably showing more anger and distance with you than anyone else - oddly enough, that's because you're the one he seems to be closest too. I'd remember that he probably can't hear what your saying - at least not the real meaning you're trying to communicate. If he's in the grip of depression, that mindset screens out everything positive as part of the isolation.

I understand so well the difficulty of loving without getting anything in return (since I've been on the withholding end and seen the consequences) - and it's important for you follow your own need to take care of yourself. It can't hurt him to know what's happening to the relationship and that you might just have to break it off. Honesty about that is better than holding back.

Lastly, I wouldn't worry - although you obviously can't avoid it - about his being happy with someone else. He'll just be carrying the same problems to a different relationship, and that won't change a thing. He may want to imagine that a new person will make all the difference and feel great for a time. But the same issues will inevitably come out all over again.

If he would agree to it, he really should get professional help at least to see how his condition looks to someone with complete objectivity.

I really hope this works out. Just remember that the problems are his - you haven't caused them. And you do have to take care of your own needs.

John

Thank you for answering me so promptly. I appreciate your comments immensely.  I don't know anyone to talk to that has first-hand experience like you. As a result, it's been difficult for me to try to comprehend everything that he is going through and that I am going through (which is why I commend you on sharing your journey with us).  He is in therapy (at my urging) and has been in and out of therapy his entire adult life. He is incredibly intelligent and aware of his affliction but that doesn't mean he has been able to work his way towards healing. He loves me (as much as he is capable) and expresses that to me when he can but the emotional roller coaster is so intense I don't know what to do.  Anyway,I could go on and on but I won't. Thank you again for your words of wisdom. 

Hi, Anonymous -

What you add about his therapy and awareness is certainly positive and could have been said about me for many, many years. It takes each person a lot of time to grasp the full extend of what h/she is going through and to find the right key to engineer recovery. I found, in looking back, that therapy tended to prolong the problem because somehow it created dependence. There was the reliance on finding the right therapist and medication as the answer rather than believing I could - and had to - do this with various kinds of help but under my own direction. I'm afraid there's no shortcut to making that shift. And it's up to you as to how much you can take.

I wish you all the best --

John

Hi John-thanks for the previous response. I am now at a point where I think I have to let him go and its the most painful thing I have ever done in my life. My love for him runs so deep but I have come to the realization, based on his comments and actions of pulling away from "us", that I can't blame the depression and medication any more, even though I think it is the culprit. I am about to enter therapy myself to help me through this and provide clarity.  Your words of wisdom are also welcomed.

Hi, Joey79 -

I hope the medication is working, but I found over a period of many years that most antidepressants, especially the ones that single out serotonin, left me feeling less depressed but only at the cost of deepening detachment for people. Nothing mattered so deeply anymore, and that itself is a symptom of depression. You shouldn't have to trade one aspect of the illness by worsening another. The problem was that detachment was my lack of awareness of what was happening. I continued to have problems with closeness during that whole time. Your husband could (I won't say "is" - obviously I don't really know what's going on) want a separation because he feels less of a bond.

Even if he doesn't get therapy, I hope he comes to understand that he's the one who can make a real difference in getting rid of depression. It's important to have a take charge attitude and not wait for any external treatment to work magic.

I so wish you well for a happy outcome to all this. I'm sorry you have to go through it.

John