Aging Out of Depression

Thank you, friend -

 

Your post was so thoughtful and moving that it set me going in many directions. This became my comment to yours, and I'm so glad you like it.

 

I'm hoping I can participate here more frequently. Thanks so much for your encouragement.

 

John

john@storiedmind.com

Thank you for your wonderful posting, like all depressives, I could relate so much to the inner voices. the 'Pig parent' you'll never amount to anything' 'you can do nothing right' the frenetic going and coming and yet getting nowhere, a mouse on a wheel with a demon screaming 'loser' inside your head. Almost like a black silence. The quest for perfection,well isnt that part of the dis-ease. i still battle with that, Im never satisfied with anything I do. Writing, painting,planting,people will say 'youre gardens beautiful,' but my eye is always drawn to the patch I never got round to. Perfectionism is such a useless burden, because by its nature, it makes sure one is never relieved of anxiety and anger and depression.  I think Im getting better ! I relate to time. I think Ive gone the other way though ! I just glide through days now. I dont feel a need to explain t anyone why I didnt DO anything today, or yesterday, Age doesnt seem an issue with me anymore, I would love your serenity, I do tell myself during a depression ' there is a light at the end of the tunnel' and 'This too shall pass' I would dream of getting to your stage and let the storm roar, dissapate, and dissapear !

Thank you, Rose -

 

You know exactly what it's like - alas! - and your own words are so vivid they go right to the core (the root meaning of that word, as you probably know, is heart). I would say that if you have this angle of vision about what you're going through and the determination of your words, you're already a good distance to the end of that tunnel. Your awareness is a powerful tool. I'm sure it will guide you to recovery. The key difference for me was becoming an activist in my own treatment - I stopped waiting for medication or therapy or whatever to "make" feel better. It's always up to us.

 

I wish you the very best.

 

John

Hi again John, I like your words 'an activist in ones own recovery' . I think we know weve lost control of our lives when we hand the reins over to the psychiatrist. But sometimes the Black and the accompanying Anxiety [in my case] is so damned frightening that it seems like the best thing to do- its not. I ask myself now what in your life isnt right? the answer John is hardly anything ! no relationship, no family, no great support systems etc etc so I have to work on those things, no pill will given me the 'givens' the basic needs in life.  I just know I was meant to do more than go around feeling numb and nothing.  Cliched as it seems, Im reading Susan Jeffers follow up book 'feel the fear and beyond' it tackles that side of my life.  I think once we hand the reins over, the helplessness feeds the Depression.   I would dissagree that Im anywhere near the end of the Tunnel, I havent yet learnt how to love myself, thats the biggest hurdle John ! You are an inspiration ! Living alone, I get to face my Demons and I now love silence, I dont know if Im becoming a recluse, I find silence so healing no music, just the little background noise, the cat jumping in the window with a chirp, the birds on the feeder outside , the trickle of the shower.. Im starting to appreciate these little things. hope this makes sense. such is my 'Disease' the perfectionism, that I just type as I think [ from the heart] and dont read back, because Id never send any messages, same with writing cards and letters. thanks again for your inspiration

Thanks, Rose -

 

It's true that if you feel you're giving control to a psychiatrist, you're not going to get very far - at least with these conditions that go on for years and years. But if you find the right one - or a therapist you really engage with, the experience is more like working together than waiting for the miracle worker to get busy. These last few years, I've had a therapist like that who has a lot of ideas about handling the day to day issues as well as interesting perspectives on a lot of big questions. It's been energizing to talk with him. But that's just one approach among many that I've chosen to use. Solitude and silence can be wonderfully healing - that experience is so different from the isolation of depression. May Sarton has a book called Journal of a Solitude that I've found helpful in a down to earth way, and the activist monk Thomas Merton wrote many inspiring thoughts about that too. I've just heard about Susan Jeffers from the Beyond Blue blog and am reading her stuff now. Grab insight wherever you can find it! The fear she's talking about is one of the worst problems I've had to face - and I'm not done with it completely. I hope it's helpful for you.

 

My best to you  --

 

John

 

 

Hello John, thanks for your reply, i cant navigate this site and often have problems finding posts ! Im also numerically dyslexic so maybe that explains it. Yes Fear is the overriding companion living in the pit of my stomach now all my life, without so much of the free flowing useless stuff that is Anxiety my life would be so much better. I was interested in the books you mentioned. I live alone. I am finding that I choose to be alone alot. Healthy? I dont know, I find great peace in being alone with the total silence, a Cat or two is allowed, but as you rightly say, the feeling of loneliness that accompanies depression which I now have, is a completely different one, so painful, a 'thud' an aching knawing, dull pain of utter desolation. Going out and being with people can make it even more apparent, but like you said in your first post here recently, I too have come to view it like a storm, it will wear itself out.. let it rip.

Hi, Rose -

 

I'm sorry to take so long to get back here and respond - I just want to say: Good for you! To be able to feel everything that comes with depression but still see it as something out there that will pass is a great achievement. Living with fear and anxiety is terrible - it's not just the feelings but the cost in energy trying to do things in spite of it.

 

I wish you well in continuing to make progress.

 

By the way, I know what you mean about getting around on this site. I can't understand why this and many other big health sites make you go round and round to get from one place to another.

 

All my best -

 

John

Hi John, Many thanks for responding, I understand your busy. thats how we should be living, not frentic but nicely busy,  dont you think? Anyway, John the Storm has well and truly come on in full force and is right overhead. The Anxiety aspect as you say is the most difficult in terms of trying to get by in the day. Sometimes disabling in its intensity.  The low mood is  painful but not as disabling somehow as one gets to understand that the moods are out of kilter and distorted. I talk to myself now, tell ME that its the Depression, that Im not ugly, useless.  Many things are going wrong in my life all at once. Plus living alone is tough when one is depressed.

The final insult was yesterday when I saw my Professor of Psychiatry [Im a public patient so if  you get 15mins  youre lucky] but having told him I was 'Low' and finding it difficult he kept uttering platitudes and I felt insulted. I also felt Gosh if I hadnt got the self awareness he would have pushed  me over the edge. 'Youre a survivor' 'you look well'. I didnt take up his time and just as I was saying that I felt like cracking with the anxiety and with my housing issues,, there he was writing my repeat prescription so I took it, said thank you politely and walked outside, I said to myself  what Ive said before 'psychiatry is a pseudo science and Psychiatrist are a neccessary Evil. Sorry this is so long. No need to reply coz I know youre busy.

 

 

Rose -

 

I'm sorry things are bad, but it's good you've still got enough distance to see what's going on. Whenever I was in that state a while ago, I could never remember or put to use any of the defenses I'd learned. So I'm glad you're talking back to that storm. That's really hopeful.

 

I pray this passes soon and wish you the very best.

 

John

Thank you so much, Lyra -

 

I couldn't ask for anything more than hearing that these words have given you hope. It's all there within you, and feeling hope is the most powerful step in recovering.

 

All my best to you --

 

John

Thanks once again, Melinda -

 

I am going to be more active here for just the reason you mention. Reaching more people is the best way to help get rid of the stigma as well as getting through to others with this condition.

 

No one offers a more powerful example of that devotion than you do. Here's a salute to your incredible honesty and power to communicate!

 

My best  --  John

Judy -

 

I know what you mean about being a little kid - I think that's worth a post of its own.I've had the same problem. In my case, it does come from having an ungiving parent - and she had ungiving parents - and I think it went back a long way. You put it so well about reaching a different level as you get older. The nagging self of the child who's still trying to get that missing parent back needs to make peace with the other selves. All of them, of you, are in it together. And it's so important to let others know how much you care about them. Thank you - you've learned a lot of great lessons.

 

My best to you  --

 

John