When You're Depressed, Do You Feel Ugly?

Thank you, Merely Me -

I'm sorry you know so well what I'm talking about. It's true these statements can hurt as well as pass by unheard. Once I tried to remind a close friend about my loving feelings as a friend - she was in a terrible state and became enraged. That kind of reaction occurs, I think, with people who are not yet open with themselves about depression - talking about love can seem like a demand they resent. (I do know about that, unfortunately.)

When said too bluntly, I think these statements of affection and love can sound like another way of trying to fix a loved one - trying to get them out of depression by talking. That's always a bad idea, no matter how genuine the underlying feeling.

What a mess this illness is!

John

Thanks, Judy -

That's a great point about looking everywhere for confirmation to deepen the inner belief that you're terrible. The idea of not deserving anything is also so strong - I did a post on that for Storied Mind quite a while ago. What could a worthless person possibly deserve?

You're so right about the double response - putting up a shield to keep out the loving words but inwardly longing to receive love - For me, I guess I couldn't imagine being worth anyone's love, so I lived as if it simply wasn't there. Fortunately, my wife doesn't put up with that kind of thing for long, so I kept getting reminders that my withdrawal was a cause of great pain.

Thanks for your really thoughtful comment.

John

Thanks so much, Tinymight -

I'm glad your therapist takes the initiative to be positive - even though it's risky with someone who has a hard time hearing that sort of thing. So many just hang back and listen or try to come up with something to do right away to raise your mood level without looking beyond that.

I wish you all speed in getting to the place where you can look into that mirror and think - I'm a good person having a bad day - that's all.

John

Dear John, thank you for your wondrous post. Such is your writing, I could feel the anticipation of that veteran driving to meet the nurse, the carer of his dreams.

I always felt too that anything said in a Group session was BS to make each other feel better. We were asked to look to the left and say something we found nice about the other person, the man said,'youre warm and beautiful' I felt embarrassed and humiliated and that this kind man was being condescending and BS-ing me in order to 'help' I sobbed and sobbed.  The little child within still thinks Im overweight, saggy, ugly, a loser, the rational woman says 'youre a survivor, a warrior, good looking , wearing well, strong,warm, intuitive. Depressions storm blows the thought patterns around like a tornado and Distorted thinking is very strong.

Handsome to me has never been features in perect symmetry or huge eyes and a perfectly toned jawline and high cheekbones. People eminate beauty, its the light in their eyes, the curve of their mouth, an aura, it transcends bumps and crooked noses and double chins, in both men and women.. and even in animals. 

John I think it is impossible to really really love oneself and be depressed at the same time.

Hi, Rose -

Thanks for your kind words - I'm always grateful, and surprised, when something gets through to another depression survivor. I'm glad you've got those two voices you hear these days - it's a lot better than just the twisted one. You have such a beautiful way of describing things - esp about what depression does and also the beauty you can see in life. Strange, we can grasp that about other people while exempting ourselves from the ranks of those beautiful human creatures.

You're so right that no one can be depressed and self-loving at the same time - but, you know, I don't really get the loving oneself thing. The reason the remark about beauty moves me so much is that it's hidden away and denied so much of the time. We keep defacing and kicking at it to make it go away because it can't - it shouldn't - be true of us. That's so tragic.

My best to you -

John

Thanks, LyraStorm, for those kind words -

That's a familiar evolution you describe - I remember all too well either never hearing or immediately putting out of memory anyone's words about love. Sometimes, my wife would tell me that so-and-so said to my face how much she loved me in deep friendship and wanted to help, if she could. When was that? I'd say - She was here? And the belief about being repellant - ouch! - I still have to catch myself going there from time to time.

We are all works in progress! And I've been at for a lot longer than you have. It's weird to think that much of my life has been all about this struggle with depression - and learning about life the hard, hard way.

All my best to you -

John

Hi, Anonymous -

I'm glad the post was helpful. It's good to hear that your partner is fighting depression so hard. It's terribly hard to get rid of it permanently, but using all the available tools helps in fighting back and getting relief from the worst extremes.

The sad truth is - as I'm sure you know - that neither you nor anyone else can make him get better. That's something I've blogged about on my site (Storied Mind), and I'll return to that subject here.

I wish you well - I know what a strain depression is for both of you.

My best  --

John