I'm not suicidal. At least, I don't think I am. In my last post, I made that same comment, but the thing is, I think about it all the time. I don't really want to die, but I really want the pain to stop. I want the uncertainty to go away... I think I just want to feel in control of SOMETHING in my life.
The day that my boyfriend and I broke up, I actually contemplated suicide. I went out to a lake that we visited frequently with a bottle of booze, a blanket, and a paring knife. Yes, a paring knife. Note, I'm not trying to make light of this, but it's tough to talk about, even with strangers, so bear with me, please... I sat on my blanket and cried and cried, all the while pulling on that bottle and contemplating that damned paring knife. When I figured I'd had enough to drink, I tried to cut my wrist. It hurt. Bad. I called myself a coward. 'You aren't even strong enough to kill yourself!' I scorned. Then I stopped myself and thought, 'wait a minute, am I really a coward because I can't commit suicide?' No, not really. I suppose I'd be more of a coward if I had done it; at least, that's how I've always viewed suicide.
But the trouble now, even though I really don't want to die, is that I think about it a lot. I even think about ways to do it. It gets into my head, and I can't seem to get it out. A lot of the time it starts with thoughts that I don't have much left to look forward to... it feels like he was the one, and without him, my hopes for a husband and children are gone. I have a pretty good career that I fortunately can't be fired from (the military can't fire you even if depression affects your work), but being a mom has ALWAYS been a major goal or dream or whatever you want to call it. When I start thinking about the loss of that, the suicide thoughts start. Since that first day out by the lake, I have not even come close to trying anything, because I really really don't want to die, but the thoughts are extremely disturbing.
I haven't talked about this with my therapist. I told him about the lake scene, but not about these thoughts. I don't know why. I just haven't wanted to tell him about it yet. I'm kind of ashamed of the thoughts, but they are totally uncontrolled. Full fledged plans to do it just seem to pop into my head, and then I can't get them out. I'll try to think about something else, but I can't make them go away. They scare me. I've never thought about suicide like this before, and I don't know how to make it stop. Any suggestions?
Please, please know that the pain is going to get better, I swear it really is. I know.....becuase I was there. The pain is so strong and it's like every part of your body and soul are broken and on fire. Death? It seems to sometimes be the only way to stop it. I would cry and pray to God to please stop the pain. It felt like I could not feel joy, hunger, anger, just hurting. I don't know how long it was but it lessened. I still feel the pain but it's not to the point of controlling my life. I feel your sorrow......I'm so sorry you have to experience this. How long have you been feeling this way? I still see the person, but I know that it's not right, but can't seem to leave it alone. I really love this person and feel that I have to change things in my time and my way. I'm to broken to just walk away. This person was a constant part of my life for 7 years, he was my bestfriend, someone that I could count on mentally, emotionally and financially if need be and it hurts. I'm finally at a point that I can think clearly and am trying to make better choices with him.
Moonflowers,
First, thank you for your responses and your support. It helps. I'm trying so hard to be normal and I have all these so not normal thoughts and feelings that are really difficult to discuss with my military therapist. He's great, and I trust him, but there are just things that are hard to discuss when I don't know how or if they'll affect my career. It feels safe here, for some reason, partly because of the anonimity, I think.
This situation has been going on for almost a month now. Not so long really, I suppose, but it feels like forever. This wasn't the only cause of my depression, but it definitely was the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak. I see him almost everyday. We work together, and we have been friends for so long that in the beginning of our relationship, we agreed that we'd try to keep our friendship, no matter what. That promise is getting difficult, because it feels like he is keeping me in the dark about where things are going. The 'trial' period that I spoke of in my first post is supposed to be over at the end of this month, and the outcome of that is very defining for the future between us. However, whenever we talk about it, he says he and his wife are not talking about what they're going to do, STILL! After almost a month! I love him so much, and when he wants to see me, I let it happen. I'm not ready to stop it. I also can't bear the idea of him not telling me he loves me. I know that's like keeping the wound open, but for now, as long as he wants to tell me, I want to hear it. I somtimes feel like that's making trouble for myself, but it hurts so much more when we don't have what moments we can take or we can't exchange I love you's...
I think being careful with your therapist would most likely be wise. I don't know all of the "rules", but with your career, you cant mess it up. You most likely worked very hard to get to where you are.
Just a small bit of background on my situation. We met and as much as we both faught it, we just kept getting deeper and deeper with our feeling, but there were things that I was going through in life that I was not ready to give. Maybe now that I can look back, he had the same thing going on. After a year he told me that he got someone pregnant and that she was having twins. Boy, you talk about a slap in the face. I could tell that he was not happy. Anyways, to narrow it down, 5 years later, one night I got this overwhelming urge to look into his yahoo account. Now I set this account up for him about 6 years before and never really wanted to invade his privacy, but this one night I did. Well..........the big suprise is that I see pictures of his WEDDING. I was so hurt. He now says that he was put into a very bad situation and felt that it was the only way he had a chance for her not to ruine his life from threats of child suport and all the other crap. I still see him, because like you, hearing "I love you" is something I still want.
You said that you were a month into it and when your going through it, it really only seems like a couple of days. When I could not stop the crying, or could not eat and deal with ANYTHING I fianally went to a doctor that put me on Celexa. I don't like taking meds and still feel uncomfortable taking them, but I can say that they really did help me feel somewhat normal and able to cope with life.
I know right now you feel like the pain will never leave, but one day it does. Has your therapist suggested any medication?