I want it gone...

By Kynnie22 Sunday, January 10, 2010

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I want to start by saying that I think this group is great. I joined it so that I could have a place to release some of these feelings and know that there were other people in the world who might get it. I feel so alone in this sometimes, like no one really gets me and I am terrified of losing everyone I care about because of this.

Which is why I feel so angry right now. A lot of the post I read and the stories that have been shared inspire all this hope. They tell me that I can deal with depression and lead a good life...which is nice, but I don't want that. It isn't enough. I want to know how to get rid of it! I want it gone. Is there anything out there that does that without making you into a zombie too? I don't want to lose my boyfriend or my friends. I don't want to be the daughter that comes home for family functions and gets the constant "are you okay?" questions and faces at the dinner table. I just want to be me again. Normal. I want to be sad when i'm supposed to be and happy about all of the things life has to offer me. I want to get married and have babies and make movies and take pictures and smile when I wake up in the morning next to a man that loves me...how much longer will he love me if I stay like this?

I feel like a looney toon. I feel great for a month and I'm doing well and the next thing I know I'm crying in my oatmeal and I don't want to do anything but sit and think; or not think.

Someone out there has to know how to get rid of it completely? What can I do? Everyone says it's possible to live with it, but I honestly don't know if I can. I fear that first it will get rid of the people I love and then it'll come after me. It'll kill me. It'll swallow me up and i'll die. Does anyone else think that? Am I crazy?

Comments (3) | Add comment

Merely Me, Health Guide

1/10/10 10:50pm

Hey there

This is a beautiful post...so genuine and filled with a desire to live and be happy. You are not crazy for wanting depression to be gone. Anyone who suffers from depression just wants it to go away so we don't have to endure this endless struggle.

I hear your fears about the depression driving others away. I am here to tell you that...your good friends...and the people who love you...won't be detoured by depression. They don't have to love your depression but they will still love you.

It sounds like this is your greatest fear...that you will somehow be alone? What else do you fear or hate about your depression? Let it out here...get out the anger.

Is it possible to get rid of depression completely? For some...it seems it is possible.

I choose to accept what I can because...I still do suffer from it. And this is how I cope. I invest my energy into being happy when I can.

It totally is possible to find joy despite the depression. When have you felt at your happiest? What conditions made that possible?

I really hope you continue to write here and my wish for you is that your depression be totally eradicated. But in the meantime...we are here to support you.

Thanks for reaching out and sharing with us tonight.

Judy

1/11/10 11:07am

Hello, Kynnie. I was wondering if you are taking medication because that is what has allowed me to function. The trick is finding the right one for you. I think it might be tempting, when depression seems to be cyclic, to think that you don't need any meds because it isn't there 24/7, but the right meds can make a big difference.

You're not weird to want it all gone and some people are fortunate enough to have that happen, but many of us DO have to make peace with it. As Merely Me said, the people who love you will still love you and if you're taking steps to deal with the depression, that's all they can ask. If they were to abandon you because of it, maybe they would have abandoned you for some other reason down the road. Do you have a therapist you can talk to? That can be helpful in figuring out strategies for coping.

We'd love to hear more about you and it's definitely okay to come here and release whatever feelings are overwhelming you. Hope that it helps.

alwaysstruggling

1/20/10 8:29pm

Hi kynnie,

I am new to this sight and came across your journal entry. I am 29 years old and have been dealing with depression since I could remember. I had a very hard life full of abuse. I was 16 when they diagnosed me and put me on my 1st antidepressant. No one ever told me otherwise. Since then I have been on 7 different medications since. I am now trying to cleanse myself and try a more holistic approach. If you want to get rid of your depression 1st try a more natural way but remember you do have a disease. You HAVE TO exercise everyday!!!! Eat really healthy! AVOID ALCOHOL!!!! ( super important) pretend you have lung cancer and alcohol is a cigarette. Alcohol is a depressant. Your young I know you drink and like me you might drink as a way of self medicating. I also smoked alot of pot to self medicate even while on my antidepressants. If you have a disease you need all the support you can get. Use this sight like a bible and attend a support group on top of this. Meditation and yoga. learn it and love it. You can't cure it with a pill. If you had a history of abuse and most likely than not you have, you need to talk about it. I have struggled for years and am only now realizing what I need to do keep healthy. My generation, your generation need to beat this disease that was passed down. I may sound corny but I feel this is a disease that has developed because we have not only become disconnected from the earth, but also from ourselves and our family and friends. I believe in you. I know its hard but don't give up. Get outside, get in nature.

I want it gone...

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