Quitting Therapy

By Brombones Wednesday, January 11, 2012

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I've been in therapy for a few years now. I was sexually abused when I was a child. I was neglected in many ways and grew up in an alcoholic home. I've made some gains in therapy but I feel I've reached a place where I'm unable to get anything more out of it. I made the grave error of opening up to my therapist about my issues. I never felt the effects of childhood trauma but now I do. I have abandonment issues (especially with regards to women). I'm unable to shut off those feelings anymore, they are constant. There are some transference issues I have with my therapist which complicate things. I feel transference is the evil of psychotherapy. The relationship between client and therapist is what I call a fake friendship. One has to pay for an hours time of chit chat, afterwards it's 'til next time. I liken the fake frienship between client and therapist to paying a prostitute for fake companionship. I am bipolar and take meds for it. All I want now is to stop therapy and learn how to be at peace secluded from people. Can anyone advise me how to quit therapy without any pain separation and just be at peace alone? I know I'm rambling but thank you for reading.

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Comments (13) | Add comment

Marishka

1/11/12 5:45pm

Hi,

I have a bad take on therapy too...yours is interesting to read...like paying a prostitute for a fake companionship. I have to say I have very negative feelings similar to yours....

And on top of that, I happen to be....a ...therapist. I don't do it and when I did, I felt all the negative you describe and just could not bring myself to do this 'fake' work.

Now, if you read my above post, you see I am just starting therapy again. I have heard from friends who have actually gotten so much better in therapy. They are happy now and for a long time, they were not.

So as much as I detest it for being fake , the same as you, I am going to give it another try.

Do you feel it was a mistake to open up to the therapist? Have you gotten anything out of it and feel any better?

I am certain that a lot depends on the therapist and the relationship. If the therapist acts fake...like playing a role...I would not be able to get anything out of it....

The more real they act and the more they agree with me, that therapy and therapists are fake roles, like you describe and we can get past that, maybe they can help....just by listening and encouraging.....etc.

what do you think about these things?

Brombones

1/11/12 7:03pm

Thank you for your insight Marishka. My therapist is down to earth not a "fake." I've never spoken to her about how I really feel about therapy, maybe I will. I would just like to be rid of therapy once and for all. I have to admit there is some transference issues that I have with her and I'm not sure how painful it would be for me to stop meeting with her. I would feel this way with any therapist. As I said in my original post; I feel transference is the evil of therapy. The relationship between the therapist and the client is a one way fake relationship. I understand this is the way it has to be. Let's face it, first and foremost, therapy is a for profit business. I just want out but I "feel" now, as before therapy I did not. I want to go back to not "feeling" but I'm unable to. I suppose it's a control issue or maybe a male issue, I don't know. My fear is feeling pain once I stop therapy. I'm in a bit of a quandry. I want to deal with my issues without the assistance of a therapist. I'm just not sure how to go about doing this. I wish I had never started therapy.

Marishka

1/11/12 8:14pm

Hi,

I feel like I would rather deal with my issues out of therapy too. Thing is, I just can't talk to my friends as much as I need to, since they are just not wanting to listen all that much I am sure.

You got some things opened up and now 'feel' whereas before you were numb? Well, yes, this could happen if you are stuffing feelings. You wish you never did therapy? How come? You would rather be numb still?

I would think your therapist needs to help you work through the feelings and handle them...plus, if you don't want to talk about anything in therapy, then certainly don't...at least that is how I feel. A therapist should not pressure anyone to talk about what they don't feel they want to.

Do you like the therapist? Well, I am not sure I understand the part about how transference is so bad...evil...how come?

I know in the past, if a certain therapist reminded me of someone and it brought up negative emotions, it would constantly keep me stuck in the past...and I didn't know how to move past that...so I got a different therapist. It was just too intense to deal with...so much all at once..

Baby steps is what works for me...and go very slowly...with a therapist who is calm and very patient...and 'real'...as much as within the therapeautic he or she can be...

Brombones

1/11/12 11:19pm

I know what you mean with regards to friends. The issues I'd like to talk to them about are issues they don't understand. I've tried to talk to them before (sexual abuse, neglect etc.) Yes. I would rather be numb than feel. The fact is I had a better life when I was numb, it wasn't great but it was better.

I like my therapist, she's a good person. The reason I don't like transference is because therapists and clients can't be friends. I know this is the way it has to be but I don't really like it. I'd just like to find a way to handle my problems on my own without the assistance of anyone. I'm just not sure how to go about doing it.

Marishka

1/12/12 9:24pm

Hi,

Well what I remember about reading about transference....it means what one projects onto the therapist....like feelings that one has towards one's mother or someone else from the past...

Supposedly, then you and the therapist can work together to look at these feelings and resolve them.

But I'll tell you, I picked a therapist with the same name as my mother once (not sure what I was thinking!) and I just couldn't get past this...I had to switch therapists..

I think to some degree certainly, we can deal with our issues on our own. Journaling has been very helpful for me...and drawing...or just talking to friends when things come up...

I, like you have a very hard time making a real connection with a therapist since often, they seem to like to turn everything around and not disclose about themselves...well I find this less than helpful...

I think some boundaries are good...but for me, a lot of helpful disclosure allows me to talk to a real person instead of that fakeness....

some of many types of healing seem best to me...

Marishka

Brombones

1/12/12 11:09pm

Thanks Marishka. Maybe we can continue to "talk" in the not so distant future.

Brombones

Unhinderedliving

6/25/12 8:48pm

Try EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). It's something you can do on your own at home and get really great results.

Judy

1/12/12 12:03am

Hi, there. I have to disagree with you about therapy being a fake relationship. I've been in it for a long time, too, and we do talk about transference - it's normal and it's a way of working out the other relationships in our lives. You get to end it on your terms, ideally, when you are ready. I think what happens sometimes is that people start opening up and then get scared. I used to fear that my therapist would really dislike me if she knew some things about me. Now, I don't feel that way. I used to test her all the time (unconsciously). I don't think there's an easy way to quit therapy unless you're ready. It's going to feel bad. My therapist is a caring person and has gone the extra mile many times for me when she didn't have to. It's a therapeutic relationship - sure, some of it may feel fake because of the methods used, for example, but that doesn't erase the caring. I hope you decide to stick with it, it sounds like you've found a good one. It takes work and it's sometimes painful, but it's really worth it.

Brombones

1/12/12 10:58am

Thank you for your insight Judy. I really appreciate it :)

Merely Me

1/12/12 8:11pm

Hi there

I have been wanting to comment to you yesterday but I could not log-in.

First of all welcome to the depression site. I am so glad that our members have been commenting...thanks Marishka and Judy!

I agree...tranference can be difficult but essential for therapy to really work in my opinion. I had a wonderful first therapist and I regarded him as a father figure. It was sometimes hard to work through this but in the end...well worth it.

It is really good that you recognize what is going on and I would encourage you to discuss this openly with your therapist.

A good therapist has boundaries. They cannot ever be your friend, parent, or lover. Then they could not help you. They need to remain professional and objective.

Sexual abuse is one of the most difficult topics to discuss in therapy. I know because I have been sexually abused. Some therapists are skilled in handling this particular issue and some...are not. I had a bad therapist a couple of years ago who was too keen on me discussing my early sexual abuse and it made me feel very uncomfortable. Add to this...he began to talk about his own sexual abuse...kind of a no-no in therapy. Over a short time I felt like I was the therapist. He had crossed the boundary into wanting to be more of my buddy and friend than a therapist and it totally did not work for me.

It may seem like your therapist is a "paid friend" but this isn't their role. Their role is to help you through your stuff so that you don't need them anymore. If you want a friend...you find friends with peer groups...not in your therapist.

Some time ago I wrote a post dedicated to the issue of tranference in therapy which you may find helpful.

I think you can develop a very special bond with your therapist which is unique. You are a team...and you work together to talk about the hard stuff. A friend, by contrast, does not usually have the professional training to help you overcome these mental challenges in a clinical sense. Friends are very important in the healing equation as they can share stories, support you, care for you...but the nature of a friendship is reciprocal. A friend cannot be your therapist. And your therapist cannot be your friend in the traditional sense.

I too would encourage you to try to stick with therapy. If it is totally not working for you...you might want to seek the help of a therapist who is of the same sex...just so you don't run into those tranference issues.

Hope this helps some.

Please come back and share how things are going for you.

Brombones

1/12/12 11:21pm

Thank you MM.

Donna-1

1/13/12 7:20am

Brombones, you said, “

Can anyone advise me how to quit therapy without any pain separation and just be at peace alone?” I have experienced the pain of separation after stopping therapy, even after just 2-3 sessions with the therapist. I guess because by then, I have already shared something of myself with them and I can’t take it back. It’s “out there” and the experience is very disturbing. I did see one therapist for 5 years, often twice a week. I could never bring myself to be totally honest with her. But she was sarcastic and spoke mostly in metaphors and analogies and I felt we never truly “meshed.” I kept waiting for her to be trustworthy…and never thought she was. I should have moved on after year #1.

I learned to “be at peace alone” mostly by keeping a journal. I wrote it in every day, analyzing for myself my hang-ups and problems. Worked out pretty well, although you can always use someone to keep you from going too far. Keeping a journal taught me a lot about how my past had affected the present and I was able to put some old demons to rest.

Brombones

1/13/12 10:35am

Hello Donna-1. Thank you for responding I appreciate it.

Brombones

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