I could use some more advice...trying to understand Loved one w Depression's actions

By lost515 Thursday, July 15, 2010

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Hi.

Still looking for help in coping. my fiance has been depressed for over a year now. His counseling has been all but inefffective. He has confided in me that he has come to terms with the fact things will not be better until he makes some significant changes and has told me he would come to live with me and allow me to help him. Yet, each time he says he is making plans it is always after my trip to Russia, after one more trip, after another trip..he has been telling me this since MAy. He talks with me for 2 days then nothing for 1-4 weeks. His behavior is truly affecting me, I have begun to expect this pattern of behavior, my question is will he ever stop this? I have tried to be supportive, I have been firm in telling hm he needs to begin to set priorities in his life. I am begining to get to the end of my rope..We last spoke Friday he told me he had a 3 day trip and then he would come here this coming weekend. He told me when I questioned this pattern of behavior that he felt it was admitting defeat that allowing me to "take care of him" was admitting he was a failure. He also told me how awfullly ashamed and embarressed he was to have a "mental illness". We had a nice talk and I told him he had a disorder and was not "mentally ill", spoke abut multiple causes of depression, that he had no idea. He has seen this as a sign of weakness, after we talked he told me how much better he felt. He is always feeling happy when we are talking. We talked for 2 days and once agan he has dropped out...I am a mental health professional and am doing my best but at this spoint I have no idea what to do...he has made a determinatin that he may need medication and he needs a new counselor in May...help...I need advice on how on work with him and how I can continue to cope...I need to undestand why he continues this pattern of behavior...getting close and then no contact after 2 days..

Thank,

Smile

Comments (5) | Add comment

Judy

7/16/10 1:00am

Hi, there. Sorry you're having to go through this, but it does sound like he needs to find a new counselor and possibly be on medication. He sounds, too, like he's afraid to commit and that may or may not be due to the depression. Perhaps it's as he tells you - he moves closer, then starts feeling shame about being depressed and needing help. He has to prove to himself that he can manage alone. He's probably not liking himself very much right now and I think the only thing you can do is be supportive, without tolerating rudeness or inconsiderate behavior. At least you're able to talk periodically, which is a good sign. Maybe you could talk together to someone so you could more easily express how this is making you feel.

I wish you the best and hope you'll let us know how it goes.

lost515

7/16/10 2:17am

Thanks for the kind words, right now we live in different states. I have not seen him in almost a year sice this began, he is never anything but kind and loving with me when we spend time on the phone or computer. He has committed to me. I was never the one who pursued him quite the opposite he pursued me and asked me to marry him 100's of times before I was ready to commit to him. He has had major career difficulties which have truly affected his self esteem and contributed to making him feel like a failure. His dream has always to take care of me. Now my carer is much more stable and economically the tables have turned where I make close or more than him. He is embarresed and ashamed that he has not been able to do this with this counselor who I have told him is only taking him for a ride since he is a cash paying customer seeing him 3 x a week for 8 months snow.

Merely Me, Health Guide

7/17/10 9:03am

Hi there

It seems that you have a rather complex situation going on. You say that you live in different states. And that your boyfriend is depressed and that you want him to move in with you...so you can take care of him but he has not made that move in action to actually live with you...and you are a mental health professional.

It is really difficult to provide suggestions based on just this bit of history. There are so many unknowns and especially his side of things. Was he actually diagnosed by a therapist and with what? Does he have depression or other additional diagnoses? Did he have a prior relationship before you? What is his track record for commitment?

I would be very careful to not play out your role as a mental health professional with him. That could really backfire on you both. He is your boyfriend...not your client or patient. And likewise...you are not his therapist. Saying you are going to take care of him would be a complete turn off to many people and especially a guy who cherishes his independence. A relationship is a 50-50 partnership...where you help each other. He just may be balking to live with you because he may be afraid of the role you are wanting to assume with him. But again...we do not know your whole history or story. I am sure there are many missing pieces to this puzzle. But based upon what you have said here...I would think that this would be one of the major issues.

It is very evident that you care for him and want to see him better. But at what price? Is this a relationship which can survive if you moved in together...if that happens?

These are just some things to think about.

I wish you the very best. Let us know what happens.

lost515

7/17/10 7:30pm

He is my fianc e have had a lng distance relarionship for years,,,wih the intent to be married and lie together. He went to a psychiatrist and was dx with Major Depressin a year ago with panic attacks. He then began seing a counselor who was and is ineffective he had been going 3 x a week, because he was a cash paying customer. I never said I was going to take care of him, just help him get proper treatment for this entire year I have not interfered. I have not pushed him...we were making plans for September and then he became very depresed I beliee he ha had dysthymia as well, ever since his career became unstable, but he always had hope, and aftere twice losing his job due to bankruptcy and being hired twice and then getting that pulled ut due too hiring freezes, then interviewed and was once again told he was hired for s great job that he was very excited about he began to drift further snd further away nto a deep depression. He became suicidal and has been almost to the point of going up, with suicidal ideationand recently admitted this to me and told me he wuld not do this because he told me he would thnk of me and our future together.

I hae never pressured or even suggested he come here, since this began almost a year ago I have not even seen him. We used to talk every day, he would be sending emails or texts 3-4 x a day too. He has been afraid to begin meds as his creer would be over. He told me in March he had finally made a determination to go on meds..in March. He took Prozac ordered to begin at 60Mg Qd which is insane..once gain an inept practitioner...he took it for a few days deeloped awful side effects and quit.

He has been the one saying he should step away from his job take some time off...and he would come here....I think he is afraid of financial ruin over the past 3 years he has gone through a lot of his savings. So, I remain supportive and do not get angry but am eally tired of hthe emotional roller coaster feel I hae been on. I dont want to break up w him, but unless he makes some firm decisons he will lose me...as his behavior has taken a toll on me. I am trying my best to distance myself from him at ths point because every time he stops communicating, answering the phone anything I worry if he will or has killed himself...I neer know how long it will be until or if I will hear from him...

So, I never once said I woud take are fo him, yet he tells me when we talk or spend time together it is inspiring for him. If he was here he would not have to be so concerned about money as currently we are both supporting a household alone.

lost515

7/17/10 7:57pm

He is my fiance have had a lng distance relarionship for years,,,with the intent to be married and live together. He went to a psychiatrist and was dx with Major Depressin a year ago with panic attacks. He then began seing a counselor who was and is ineffective he had been going 3 x a week, because he was a cash paying customer.

I never said I was going to take care of him, just help him get proper treatment for this entire year I have not interfered. When we spoke e never talked abut his depressin...I never asked what was going n w counselor.

I have not pushed him...we were making plans for September and then he became very depresed I believe he has had dysthymia as well, ever since his career became unstable, but he always had hope, and aftere twice losing his job due to bankruptcy and being hired twice and then getting that pulled out at the last moment due too hiring freezes, then interviewed and was once again told he was hired for a great job that he was very excited about that once again fell through at the last moment ...he began flying a lot of international trips at time being out of the country for a month at a time...he began to drift further snd further away into a deep depression.His job is very unstable and he is on call 24/7 and it has taken a toll on him, he never say no to them...every time he gets called he is there. when he works he works it can be a 16-20 hr day...he does nt get enough sleep, he as stopped his running, he isolates himself from me and the world.

He has been suicidal and has been almost to the point of going up, he recently admitted this to me and told me he would not do this because he told me he would thnk of me and our future together and that would stop him.

I have never pressured or even suggested he come here, since this began almost a year ago I have not even seen him. We used to talk every day, he would be sending emails or texts 3-4 x a day too. He has been afraid to begin meds as his career would be over. He told me in March he had finally made a determination to go on meds..in March. He took Prozac ordered to begin at 60Mg Qd which is insane..once gain an inept practitioner...he took it for a few days deeloped awful side effects and quit.

He has been the one telling me...that he should step away from his job take some time off...and he would come here....he has asked me..so I told him my home was open for him.

I think he is afraid of financial ruin over the past 3 years he has gone through a lot of his savings. So, I remain supportive and do not get angry but am eally tired of hthe emotional roller coaster feel I hae been on. I dont want to break up w him, but unless he makes some firm decisons he will lose me...as his behavior has taken a toll on me. I am trying my best to distance myself from him at ths point because every time he stops communicating, answering the phone anything I worry if he will or has killed himself...I never know how long it will be until or if I will hear from him...

So, I never once said I would take care of him nor do I intend too, yet he tells me when we talk or spend time together it is inspiring for him and how happy he is when we spend time together. I have never intended or pretended to be his counselor or doctor.

If he was here he would not have the financial burden he now has I have a good secure well paying job so if he needed to take the year or year and a half off he can do this which is what I fear has been one of the reasons he has not continued medication of course he would need a new doctor,

I fear he should not even be flying...he tells me he is ok, that when he flys or talks with me he feels fine...just when he is home alone...

I could use some more advice...trying to understand Loved one w Depression's actions

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