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I was astonished by the number of suicides every year. I can't fathom that much sadness. Yet I was one of those statistics -- a suicide attempt. When I was 17, I went to the drug store and bought the largest box of sleeping pills I could find. I swallowed every last one just before going to sleep. If I hadn't begun walking around in a drug-induced stupor, my parents would never have found me and taken me to the hospital. While back then I was angry to be alive, things have gotten better. I'm happy to be where I am now.
I wonder how things would have panned out had someone noticed how I was feeling. I didn't know it at the time, but I exhibited many "classic" signs of someone about to commit suicide, e.g. giving away my possessions or going from seemingly depressed to suddenly happy just before the attempt. Sure, my high school had assemblies and speakers who talked about it, but this was such a personal thing. Those folks talking in front of an audience didn't emit a personal touch -- it was all out in front of an audience. I think if someone pulled me into a private setting to have the same talk that anti-suicide speakers give during a public presentation, I may have opened up.
But it's hard to open up for such a private topic. I've heard it said that people who commit suicide are selfish and don't think about the hurt they cause to everyone around them. But other people don't realize is that when you've become so distraught and alone to the point of committing suicide, you don't want to hear anything more about how awful of a person you would be for going though with it. Put-downs and trash-talk are not what a suicidal person needs. How could I open up when I would be shamed for thinking the way I did?
I've often thought about my situation and what actually pushed me over the edge. Things weren't always great, but at some point I became detached from other people. I guess it's like a person with autism in that there is no social attachment anymore. Sure, I thought about my family. It's the only thing that kept me from eating a bullet. I couldn't let my little brother walk into my room and find my brains on the wall. That's why I chose the sleeping pills. It seemed to be the most caring way for me to go out. But other than that, people were just... people. Things that were there to cause me grief. And, of course, they all did. When that social detachment happens, that's when you truly feel alone.
I don't know what really turned me around either. It took years afterwards to become able to get back "into the flow" of life. It was a slow and difficult process. But things are OK now.
But I don't want to forget this experience. It was awful, difficult, and painful (both physically and mentally). But it made me who I am and gives me a brighter outlook on things. I also hope that my experience will allow me to "see the signs" of someone becoming depressed to the point of suicide. Maybe it could help me save my own son one day. I want to be the one who wasn't there for me.
Yes, you have to fight it, but you don't have to fight it alone. I know that sounds like a cliche and sort of corny, but it's true. The hardest part is finding someone that can be there for you. I was never able to really find that person. But then again after looking back, I never really tried that hard.
I don't know your demographics, and I won't try to pry. But if you are in school, seriously, see the counselor. I wish I had done that. But if not, please check out this site:
http://www.suicide.org/if-you-are-suicidal.html
There are numbers to call. If you feel like you're going to commit suicide within the next hour, please call 911. They'll get you help. No one has to know.
I wish there was some magical way for someone to notice those who need someone to talk to. I waited for someone to notice, but no one ever does. It's hard to get yourself up to make the call when you're so down.
But there's more out there. If I knew how my life would turn out, I would have reconsidered my suicide attempt. It feels hopeless, but if all was really hopeless, we'd all commit suicide.
I was also thinking...
You've taken the first step by writing that you're still feeling this way. The only difference is that you've typed it out on a message board rather than speaking it to someone else.
What can I do to help? I've been there. Maybe there's something I can do for you? If you want, I can create a temporary email or instant messenger account (you choose AIM, MSN, or whatever) and post it here for you. We can work on something more permanent after that.
Sometimes that's all you need -- a person who's been there.
I am at the point of what is the use of living. I have no family support, I'm 55 with an injury that keeps me from doing anything such as washing the car, carrying in groceries, etc. I'm also on enough meds both pain and antidepressents that has to be unhealthy. Each day I wake up, I wish I had not.
Oddly enough, I can half-relate at this very moment. I've got a back injury (upper back and not lower) that really limits my life as well as some neck/head problems. Long story short... a school bus ran a red light and totalled my car. I have trouble just playing with the kids, and that just plain sucks.
I'm on antidepressants because one of their side effects is that they dull nerve pain. They also dull my enthusiasm for life. For my persistent headaches, I get injections at the base of my skull as well as up my spine. Then there are the muscle relaxers and other pain killers. Yeah, medication is a bummer.
For me, it's a combination of things. Not only do the meds wear you out, but the fact that I can't do the things I enjoy really gets me down. I used to be active, playing sports and such.
What do you think? Is it the meds that's doing it to you, the fact that you're "old before your time", or a combination of both?
When I was 13-years old back in the early 90's I was raped by a family member then I started to suffer with depression. When I went to school I remember telling the teachers that I wanted to kill myself and I was suicidal and nobody did nothing. As I became an adult my depression got alot worse and when I was in my early 20's I was married to a man that was emotionally and physically abusive.
I remember taking Prozac and it made me worse and I took a shaver and cut myself and other times I've tried over dosing on pills. I went to the PCU unit at the age of 19 the first time for suicide attempts. Few years ago in my late 20's and early 30's I was going to PCU united on and off because the other antidepressants made me suicidal. I can see why people are suicidal because the economy is really bad and people are living on the streets and nothing is being done about it.
I haven't felt suicidal since I've been taking Wellbutrin XL 150mgs that's help to stop that but it doesn't help my moods and I refuse to take anti anxiety medicine because I don't want to be over drugged. These psychatrists in the state of Rhode Island don't know what they are doing all they want to do is over drug people and that's not a good idea. I got rid of my male shrink because he wanted to put me on a mood stablizer with my antidepressant. I've made complaints against him and he lied to protect him self from loosing his job.
I really don't like shrinks and I can see why people don't want to get help because there is still stigmatism out there.
Hi, Englishteapot. I'm responding to your comment about not wanting to be over-drugged by adding a mood stabilizer to your medication. Sometimes it takes a combination of things to get it right. I'm on Wellbutrin, but it seems I need Klonopin in order to relax enough at night to sleep. It doesn't make me feel drugged up, just sleepy, and it has no after-effects the next morning; in fact, sometimes, like tonight, it doesn't work long enough. Everyone's body chemistry is different - some people have to take two different medications if they have high blood pressure and high cholesterol, but that doesn't mean they're "drugged up." So, I guess I'm saying that you might reconsider that assumption that psychiatrists just want to fill you up with drugs - there are good ones out there that are concerned that you feel as well as you possibly can.
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Thank you for sharing this information. One thing that came to mind, thinking about how many people attempt suicide, is it seems like in the last few decades that people have been more and more disconnected from larger communities and from their families and I think that feeling of isolation can sometimes be the "last straw;" the idea that nobody gives a damn about them, nobody will help them and they're afraid to ask for it. Without connection, we feel worthless, like we have no anchors.
When my first child was born, I went through post-partum depression and a large part of it, I think, was that I felt totally alone, except for my husband, and I had no idea what I was doing. My mother never helped me and, in fact, said she didn't want to be a babysitter and never did show much interest in her grandchildren. Now I have a grandson and it feels so important to me to be a part of his life and make sure he feels loved by a lot of people, as well as for my son and daughter-in-law to feel like they can count on us if they need help. If they feel like they have support, my hope is that they can feel more confident in being parents and give that gift to their son. My son attempted suicide twice; it wasn't easy to figure out how badly he was feeling but he obviously didn't feel like he could tell us. I think he tried in his own way and we were too busy to hear him.
I want to stop the isolation and I would hope that could happen for everyone, that no one would feel alone. Maybe if we can help make that happen in our families, it can be a positive thing to pass on to future generations instead of abuse and neglect. And with connection, even when bad things happen, the foundation is there for support. We need to start paying attention and listening to each other - consider it innoculation against hopelessness. Perhaps we can't totally prevent all suicides but maybe we could make a little difference.