Suicidal

Hawk Living With It Send Message Subscribe: Hawk

Thursday, November 12, 2009
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I have lived with depression for many years now. I have been diagnosed with PTSD. My father was also a veteran in the korean war. I have had all the classic symptoms that come with PTSD which include depression. I have been through the cycle of excessive drinking. Whiich fortunately I have stopped. I...

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Welcome!
Merely Me
Thursday, November 12, 2009 at 05:19 PM

Hello Hawk!

I am very touched by your post here. I know how very difficult it can be to talk about these things...it seems easier to keep them inside sometimes. But...when you keep them inside you tend to explode or drown. That is what I do anyway. The anger makes sense...the isolation...the feelings of wanting to hide your depression. These are all normal reactions to depression and PTSD. Can you tell us more about how you developed PTSD if you are comfortable doing so?

I think in each of us there are these core triggers...maybe it was something from childhood...some time of trauma or abuse...which never got resolved. What are you recoiling from? What is the "it" which plagues you?

It is my thinking that some of the strongest people are the most vulnerable...this takes such courage and strength to come here and talk about this. I have the utmost respect for you for telling your story in such an honest an heartfelt way.

You will not be judged here. Please do keep on sharing. We want to hear more of your story.

And listen...if you are feeling like you cannot cope...please let us know. We are not a 24 hour manned site...but we can give you some resources to help. Okay so let us know what you need.

I am very glad you joined this site. Please don't hesistate to meet some of the other members...ask a question or...read some of the other shareposts. Hope you find a home here.

re: Welcome!
Hawk
Thursday, November 12, 2009 at 06:29 PM

Thank you for your greeting. I have had self esteem problems that started since childhood. If you had seen me, you would not have believed that I had such problems. That's what I'm tired of. Putting on my best , "don't mess with me face". That's my never ending strategy since I can remember. Old memories of what caused the PTSD is what triggers these bouts of depression, and self loathing. I can't say exactly what the PTSD is at this time. I am just not ready to reveal it. But it was bad enough to ruin me inside. In truth , I am gentle and detest violence and hatred.

But in my life as I grew up, I would not let anybody see any fear or weakness . I got physically hurt many times because I would not give up. Boys and men bigger than me would obviously beat me up. But they would not go without getting some of what they dished out. There were few people who liked me at one point in my life. And I detested many too. That resentment turned inward with time. I found faith in a higher power (God) to stop hating others. But there is nobody I hate more than myself. That's why I know I'm in danger of suicide. Because it would only take a moment to destroy somebody I hate.

Then I remember my kids. That stops me every time. Although it's getting harder NOT to do it.

re: re: Welcome!
Hawk
Friday, November 13, 2009 at 12:38 AM

Thank you stewie and Judy for caring enough to reply. And yes, it is harder for a man to admit things like this. It is not easy for me now either. but it is better than having it boiling up inside. Like a pressure cooker ready to explode. I have found that out not too long ago. I am seeing a phychiatrist and he is actually my medication manager as well.

Phycologists I don't care too much for. I began seeing one and he made me feel worse. then I chose another one. I almost got into a fist fight with him.

I know that not all phycologists are the same, but the 2 men i did see did me no good in any way. maybe I will try a female next time. I have seen that women are more understanding and seem to really care. with the others, we talked more about my car than about what was wrong. I can't take anybody talking rude to me. They both did.

I am taking Zoloft and Clonazepam and (Tamazepam to sleep.)

Untitled Comment
stewie
Thursday, November 12, 2009 at 08:20 PM

Hi Hawk. I also was very touched by your story. I understand that in some professions you have to put on a "brave face" and not show your emotions. You can let out whatever you want on this site at your speed, and someone will respond with support. Have you discussed your problems with a therapist or your doctor? A therapist can help you work through your problems with nobody knowing but you or them. Your doctor could prescribe some medication to help even out and lift your mood. I would reccomend looking into both if you have not already done so. Please keep writing and letting us know how you're doing. I hope things get better soon.

Welcome
Judy
Thursday, November 12, 2009 at 11:39 PM

Hi, Hawk, thanks for sharing your story. A lot of people here are dealing with PTSD, depression and self-loathing, it's kind of scary, isn't it? Don't ever forget about your kids - you would leave them with an even worse pain and you wouldn't want to be responsible for that. There is help out there, like therapy and medication - you don't have to heal all by yourself. I think you are brave to write about this - it seems especially hard for guys to admit to pain, not surprisingly in our culture. Here, it's perfectly fine to talk about it, no one will think you're weak or worthless, believe me.

Hope you will write again when you can and tell us a little more about what's going on in your life.

HI HAWK WELCOME
MACEYMOM
Friday, November 13, 2009 at 08:04 AM

Hawk,

Hello, I am a new person to this website. May I ask a question? What is PTSD? Excuse my ignorance. I too got divorced and alot of our problems was my diabetes. My first husband was a jerk but I did not help the situation by not having my diabetes under control. My second husband is great and he wants to help me with my diabetes and I am going to a new doctor now to try and get things under control.

I can see that your kids are a blessing for you because you can feel the love through your message. How old are your children? I have no children but lots of nieces and nephews and now great nieces and nephews. Children are a blessing.

I hope you find a phyciatrist who you feel comfortable with. Thank is extremely important to have good doctors.

Best of luck Hawk!!!!!! Keep writing!!!!

re: HI HAWK WELCOME
Hawk
Friday, November 13, 2009 at 07:07 PM

Hi Macy, PTSD is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is something that occurs after severe trauma. Many military men and women have it. But it can come from other trauma as well. It is like reliving the traumatic event all over again. Nightmares, depression, fear, all kinds of emotions run through your mind. Just as if it had recently happened . My Father had it after he got home from Korea. But back then, until not too long ago did people ever get treated for it. And shame keeps a person from, admitting he/she has it. many would rather deny it and pretend it did not happen. I did that for many years and got worse and worse until you are hardly the same person anymore. I have 4 Children ranging in age from 18 t0 29. 2 girls and 2 boys. It was for them that I would wake up at 4:00 am and go to work. they would be smiling away at that early hour. I am 53 years old.

Thank you
MACEYMOM
Monday, November 16, 2009 at 08:34 AM

Hi Hawk,

Thank you for telling me what PTSD is. You learn something new every day. I never knew anything about it but I guess I have seen movies where people have had this.

Are you seeking professional help for this. You can't be sleeping well at night. Thanks for sharing how you feel. We are all in this boat together.

re: Thank you
Hawk
Monday, November 16, 2009 at 07:14 PM

yes I am being treated and I am getting better everyday. A positive attitude is a must. without it, no pill or counseling can help. Thanks for caring.