Suicidal

I have lived with depression for many years now. I have been diagnosed with PTSD. My father was also a veteran in the korean war. I have had all the classic symptoms that come with PTSD which include depression. I have been through the cycle of excessive drinking. Whiich fortunately I have stopped. I have not drank in more than 2 years. not one beer . When you realize you are an alcoholic, even one beer is a threat to your sobriety.

I was divorced by my wife of 30 years 5 years ago. She had every right to go. I was so difficult to live with then. I think I am a better man now. But I should have been a better man then too.

I worked for 26 years and then I couldn't cope anymore. I was weak, burnt out, and sick. I couldn't compete with the other workers and that shamed me. I was a faller for a logging company. There , "real men" don't grumble nor say anything about feelings. It is considered femenistic behavior. So even after the PTSD, I kept my mouth shut pretending to be well. When in reality, I was dying inside. I got hurt on the job and it was due to my feeling so bad that I didn't notice some of the dangers that are always present when you are a faller. 

I have episodes of depression that range from 2 weeks to sometimes months. I have anger problems, where I just explode over even little things. So I isolate myself from the rest of the world. People come to see me but I don't even open the door. I don't understand this "thing" that has wrecked my life. My kids (all grown ) are my reason not to commit suicide. I have the most wonderful kids on the planet. They understand my dillema. I am very new to this dicssing . In fact it is very hard for me to reveal anything that might get me to thinking too much. But I will try to see what happens after. Maybe it's a good thing for me. Thank you for reading this.