I have lived with depression for many years now. I have been diagnosed with PTSD. My father was also a veteran in the korean war. I have had all the classic symptoms that come with PTSD which include depression. I have been through the cycle of excessive drinking. Whiich fortunately I have stopped. I have not drank in more than 2 years. not one beer . When you realize you are an alcoholic, even one beer is a threat to your sobriety.
I was divorced by my wife of 30 years 5 years ago. She had every right to go. I was so difficult to live with then. I think I am a better man now. But I should have been a better man then too.
I worked for 26 years and then I couldn't cope anymore. I was weak, burnt out, and sick. I couldn't compete with the other workers and that shamed me. I was a faller for a logging company. There , "real men" don't grumble nor say anything about feelings. It is considered femenistic behavior. So even after the PTSD, I kept my mouth shut pretending to be well. When in reality, I was dying inside. I got hurt on the job and it was due to my feeling so bad that I didn't notice some of the dangers that are always present when you are a faller.
I have episodes of depression that range from 2 weeks to sometimes months. I have anger problems, where I just explode over even little things. So I isolate myself from the rest of the world. People come to see me but I don't even open the door. I don't understand this "thing" that has wrecked my life. My kids (all grown ) are my reason not to commit suicide. I have the most wonderful kids on the planet. They understand my dillema. I am very new to this dicssing . In fact it is very hard for me to reveal anything that might get me to thinking too much. But I will try to see what happens after. Maybe it's a good thing for me. Thank you for reading this.
Hello Hawk!
I am very touched by your post here. I know how very difficult it can be to talk about these things...it seems easier to keep them inside sometimes. But...when you keep them inside you tend to explode or drown. That is what I do anyway. The anger makes sense...the isolation...the feelings of wanting to hide your depression. These are all normal reactions to depression and PTSD. Can you tell us more about how you developed PTSD if you are comfortable doing so?
I think in each of us there are these core triggers...maybe it was something from childhood...some time of trauma or abuse...which never got resolved. What are you recoiling from? What is the "it" which plagues you?
It is my thinking that some of the strongest people are the most vulnerable...this takes such courage and strength to come here and talk about this. I have the utmost respect for you for telling your story in such an honest an heartfelt way.
You will not be judged here. Please do keep on sharing. We want to hear more of your story.
And listen...if you are feeling like you cannot cope...please let us know. We are not a 24 hour manned site...but we can give you some resources to help. Okay so let us know what you need.
I am very glad you joined this site. Please don't hesistate to meet some of the other members...ask a question or...read some of the other shareposts. Hope you find a home here.
Thank you for your greeting. I have had self esteem problems that started since childhood. If you had seen me, you would not have believed that I had such problems. That's what I'm tired of. Putting on my best , "don't mess with me face". That's my never ending strategy since I can remember. Old memories of what caused the PTSD is what triggers these bouts of depression, and self loathing. I can't say exactly what the PTSD is at this time. I am just not ready to reveal it. But it was bad enough to ruin me inside. In truth , I am gentle and detest violence and hatred.
But in my life as I grew up, I would not let anybody see any fear or weakness . I got physically hurt many times because I would not give up. Boys and men bigger than me would obviously beat me up. But they would not go without getting some of what they dished out. There were few people who liked me at one point in my life. And I detested many too. That resentment turned inward with time. I found faith in a higher power (God) to stop hating others. But there is nobody I hate more than myself. That's why I know I'm in danger of suicide. Because it would only take a moment to destroy somebody I hate.
Then I remember my kids. That stops me every time. Although it's getting harder NOT to do it.
Thank you stewie and Judy for caring enough to reply. And yes, it is harder for a man to admit things like this. It is not easy for me now either. but it is better than having it boiling up inside. Like a pressure cooker ready to explode. I have found that out not too long ago. I am seeing a phychiatrist and he is actually my medication manager as well.
Phycologists I don't care too much for. I began seeing one and he made me feel worse. then I chose another one. I almost got into a fist fight with him.
I know that not all phycologists are the same, but the 2 men i did see did me no good in any way. maybe I will try a female next time. I have seen that women are more understanding and seem to really care. with the others, we talked more about my car than about what was wrong. I can't take anybody talking rude to me. They both did.
I am taking Zoloft and Clonazepam and (Tamazepam to sleep.)