AN insight into a Suicide attempt- from the carer of a suicidal individual

By define depression Friday, January 01, 2010

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AN insight into a Suicide attempt- from the carer of a suicidal individual
We wait...
Waiting tense and concerned you know its coming but when, we do not truly know.
The fear sets in when we notice my phone, a series of text messages; we had been out of phone range for a few hours enjoying a 4 wheel drive trip with the kids.
The phone had came within tower range on top of the last hill, my family from 800km away had left text messages worrying you will not make it through the night. They were at least 2 hours old.
The tragedy about to unfold, gathering thoughts, the steps needed to take, will the police be there, ambulance, coroner, my god funeral arrangements, will my worst fear finally have happened?
The picture is vivid in my mind, the feelings are overwhelming, with still an agonising hour's drive before we near home and no phone reception to call the police to check on you or call my family for an update.
What will I find?
Will you be in your car with a pipe on the exhaust, will you have a hole in your head and it splattered everywhere, oh god a cant bear the thought, will you just look peaceful and asleep from an overdose, will it be a good thing that you are finally at peace?
The heart pounding the hands sweating and shaking, I'm sure I will have a heart attack myself in fear of discovering the outcome, Have I done enough, could I have done more, should I have been there earlier, have I failed him again.
The reefing and nausea set in, waiting; will I find my worst fear? I know I have done this many times yet I cannot get that worst fear out of my head while at the same time trying not to show my anxious state to the children.
Finally able to drop the children of at the neighbours and make my way to your gate, I look for your car, thank god there is no pipe on the exhaust, ok next, do I want to go in, and do I want to find you on my own?
My heart filled with fear of what I might find, my hands are shaky, my head and shoulders tight like a pressure about to erupt and my mind is going a thousand miles an hour with possibilities, Slowly I start gathering myself together to be strong, to be in control, to not react but to interact with the situation.
Then on hearing sobbing and thanking the gods you are still alive, I wander in as though nothing has happened and ask you how you are feeling today, keeping strong and sounding confident.
I begin questioning your motives, what were you going to do? How were you going to suicide this time, what pills have you taken, I start ravaging through the cupboards, finding the empty foil slips, counting and noting what has been ingested, double checking with you, what have you taken, what did you drink with it?
looking on feeling helpless unable to take this devastation away from him, why does he want to die, am I not enough to live for, have I done enough, the questions just flood my head until I too cannot think straight again.
He says he is so sorry for my pain and I know damn well he is as I immediately recall the suicide notes from times gone by etched in my mind, we cry together for the heart ache this dis-ease is causing us both, He repeats you would be better off without me, I am no good like this, my heart is empty and the ache is too much to keep surviving, why didn't I do a good job of it last time, your pain would be over already.

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Comments (9) | Add comment

LyraStorm

1/ 1/10 8:59am

Wow. Thank you for sharing this. It is interesting to see it from the other side. You sound like someone who is well experienced with dealing with the situation which is both horrible and good in some ways (the way you handle it). Do you have someone to be there for you like you are there for him? You say you slip away to cry by yourself and then once more you have more responsibilities - your kids. Do you have someone to help you/support you/pick up your slack?

It's great to hear of someone so understanding of the illness even though they are on the outside and don't know what it's really like to feel it. It gives hope that there are people out there who can deal with someone like me when I'm at my most difficult (I tend to keep away from everyone cause I don't believe anyone can cope) - you are a strong amazing woman, one of a kind (or one of a very small amount) to be able to do what you do.

Thank you again - it's always enlightening to hear stories from others perspectives and in my case I really haven't heard many stories from someone who has had to deal with depression from the outside, I mean you're in it too but... well you know what I mean. Thank you.

define depression

1/ 1/10 7:55pm

Thank you LyraStorm for your comments, it sprang a tear or too.....

For years we battled this disease on our own, some of the family do not seem to understand the complexities and think it's all in his mind, he can change it if he wanted to, he's just calling out and attention seeking... you know... the normal comments, he would not seek the help of professionals through fear of being judged and locked away.
I finally found a wonderful Kahuna Maori lady, when I have treatment with her she seems to fill my heart and soul with love, replenishing my energy to keep going, I now realise how important it is for me to be healthy and strong, as yes my little children need me, as does my new little grandee, and most of all I need myself to be at ease and ready for the next crash. I must practice leaning on others myself more...
I too isolate myself, at times, trying to hide away while I rebuild my energy; it's hard to have a normal conversation when your mind is elsewhere.
Thank you to my beautiful adult daughter who catches me and brings me back to reality.
We learn to cope, there is someone out there for you too, you just need to have the courage to ask, the insight we gain living with your pain and the excitement we feel when you smile is the only reward we need.

Judy

1/ 1/10 12:33pm

Thanks so much for sharing this. I can really relate to this, as my son tried to kill himself when he was 18 and 19; the first time, I found him hanging and got to him just in time.

I don't know if you ever lose that fear. I find my antennae are up all the time with him, especially when things aren't going well like now, with the economy and him fearing job loss, their house being worth less than they owe on it now, etc., etc. Yet he has a son now himself that he loves to pieces, as do we, and between us, we make sure we get together at least once a week. He wants to be tough, but I can tell when his mood is down.

All we can do is our best and if a person is determined enough, they can "succeed" despite our best efforts. That isn't our fault, it's the disease. Maybe we try to make ourselves think we could stop it because having some sense of control is better than feeling powerless, but in some things we are just that.

I wish you the best, hope you are taking care of yourself.

define depression

1/ 1/10 8:24pm

Thanks Judy,
It helps to know we are not alone; yes we live in fear, like eggshells crumbling one at a time...
We not only worry for our own situation, but we have the intense worry of our loved ones taking the nose dive we fear.
You are so right, this isn't our fault, we can only do our best, and watch for the subtle signals, helping where we can, powerless yes...We cannot fix it for them we can only be there when they need us; this is the torment, waiting, unable to stop the triggers.
And yes I have finally started taking care of myself, thank you, and thank you to Merely me, we can talk openly here and support each other in the knowledge we somehow understand.

Donna-1

1/ 2/10 6:43pm

Thank you for your post. I don't know what I would do if I were in your place. I come from the other place, the one that wants to die sometimes. I attempted suicide three times in the late 1990's after being diagnosed with major depression and schizophrenia, and after separating from my abusive husband. I wanted to die because all my coping skills were exhausted. All I could think about was ending the pain. But I didn't know how to make it known to the people who could help me. I thought I could tell my psychiatrist that I was suicidal. He had the police pick me up and take me to the county hospital. He met me there and told me, basically, that he never wanted to see me again and hoped I lived the rest of my life in a State hospital. I guess he thought that was the worst threat he could make. And no, it did not make me feel any less like killing myself.

A family member said, "She's just trying to get attention." Yes, I was. I was trying to draw attention to the fact that I was in such pain and couldn't find a way to stop it except to die. I WANTED someone to stop me. But the only one I could tell was a boyfriend who also had depression and schizophrenia and had often had suicidal thoughts himself, so he just kind of sat around and waited. And when I overdosed, he too me to the hospital and they pumped my stomach.

The last time I overdosed, in 1997, I called my mother to tell her, so she would get help for me. I just lived a block away from her. I thought she would come running, like you did, to bring aid. I thought she would call an ambulance or the police or SOMETHING. When I reached her and told her h\what I had done, there was a long pause on the other end of the phone. She said, "Well, what do you expect ME to do about it?" And she hung up. I sat there wanting to be rescued. I sat there wanting the pain to be gone. I just sat there.

Eventually, an hour or two later, my dad showed up and said, "I just came home from work and Mama told me you had overdosed. Why do you keep doing this? What do you expect us to do?" I said, "Never mind." I walked to the phone and called 911 for an ambulance. They showed up and took me to the hospital and, obviously, I survived.

For years, I did not understand why my mom did not try to help. Then a therapist explained to me that my parents were at their wits' end and couldn't cope with it any more than I could. My therapist said she had said the same thing to HER suicidal daughter: "I hope you don't kill yourself, because I love you. But if you do decide to kill yourself, there's nothing I can do about it. I will miss you."

I began to get the picture that maybe my mom and dad felt as helpless in the situation as I did. They didn't know what to do any more than I did. But I still think they should have called an ambulance.

I praise you for being there for your loved one and continuing to offer support. Depression is a horrible illness for everyone involved, not just the person who has it. And it usually takes a team to cope: family, doctors, hospitals, therapists, pharmacists, and the person himself. There is no substitute for love and concern. I praise you for not giving up on your loved one even though he makes things seem unbearable at times. I think your children will appreciate this some day.

define depression

1/ 3/10 6:18pm

Thank you Donna
At times I wish I could cope better... but we can only do what we are able to do...I have learned seek assistance when needed, to consult with his doctors and health care professionals.
It saddened me when you reached out to your mum and no one came to your aid, this must have been devastating, knowing your Parents could no longer cope or help. This illness is not so straight forward; we need a strategy plan, and step by step instructions, what to do in your time of need would be great...wishful thinking...we stumble along...
You showed true courage getting help yourself, you should be so proud, proud you called for help even though they had run out of answers, and proud you sought help calling 911.
Wear this as a badge of honour as now you know deep down you can make the choices to survive in your darkest hours.
Thank you for your comments, knowing, being there...is enough...

aduratheodo

2/18/10 11:02pm

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Hypno

1/ 7/10 8:24am

Hi there...

Just wanted to say that you are an amazing woman and to thank you for sharing your experiences withus here on this site.

I have experiences from both sides of the fence. I've been the rescuer since the age of 3 for my mother who repeatedly attempted suicide and would only ask for me to help her recover from the deep-seated hopelessness she found herself in...and more recently in my life needing myself to contact someone to prevent myself comitting suicide. I chose a professional to be my supporter...however, even they got fed up and was worried that they were just supporting a bad habit and reinforcing it. They were concerned that my impulsivity was getting increasingly worse. So I agreed I'd call a helpline instead if the situation occurred again. I now know what was causing me to feel so bad and very low. I will share this with you and others on this site through this comment.

I believe that my depression was so deep because I was STILL in a state of TRAUMA....my suicidal thoughts only come over me when I feel extremely stressed out and fearful. This is because my consciousness is not functioning it has shutdown completely, my brain is operating in survival mode...the midbrain or amygdala has taken over to try and help me to survive, it scans the environment and inner thoughts for threats to my existence - I have no positives or filtering of negative thoughts as my consciousness is not functioning...(unfortunately the amygdala screams and tells me to stop and I interprete this as stop living instead of stop doing what I'm doing now that's hurting me and do something different)....I know I don't want to die...I want the pain to end...the amygdala screams do it... end it now...in desperation I manage to think won't someone care for me long enough to be with me until these thoughts pass...won't someone guide me out of them...my consciousness cannot as it's not working properly. My Cheif Executive Officer (CEO) is off on holiday...gone away...not able to guide me out of the spiralling thought patterns and pain and hurt and self harming thoughts. I phone someone...they talk me through (yes distraction...what words am I using...recognition I need someone to care for me...I also need myself to care for me then it wouldn't matter whether others were there or not I could care for myself...hope...I need hope for the future. Thoughts and feelings are temporary, they will pass...I'm relieved. The moment has passed.I feel ok again.

It was the recognition that I had low self-esteem and the fact that the consciousness and my CEO had shutdown that led me to realise what I could do. The the brain had shut part of it down then I could switch it back on again...and so I did...I used a self-hypnosis technique...I'll set it out below...and hey presto the consciousness switched back on, my self esteem was raised and my CEO was back in town...It needs reinforcing so I do the script regularly...but for what it's worth..I set it out below.

I wrote a mind control script to record and then play to myself..and het presto I got some immediate relief! It went like this...

I am going to hypnotise myself and wake up after 15minutes feeling really relaxed and confident and full of energy and motivation to continue with (I put in here want I was wanting to concentrate on doing this year in improving my income stream). First notice three different objects in the room or outside the window, now focus on two different sounds you can hear, now focus on your breathing...notice its rhythm...now notice two different objects in the room, now two sounds you can hear, now close your eyes...now notice how your feet feel against the floor and the arms of the chair against your hands and arms and just begin to relax your muscles one by one...still notice your breathing and how rhymic it is...and relax further....with each breath breathe in calmness, tranquility and confidence...with each breath out ....breathe out tension and hurt. Do this now...and relax deeper on each breath out for four slow rhythmic breaths

Now you know the brain stores information in different locations and somewhere in the brain there are places for where the truth is located, where false things or lies located and where things that we forget are located. That's right everything we ever know is located in the brain and all we have to do is locate where it is stored and start accessing those memories, skills, and abilities.

Focus now on the part of the brain where the truth is located this may be at the front of the brain or it may be elsewhere...now search for it...when you have found it discover what it tells you about yourself...find it now if you haven't already done so...Good!...now listen to what it tells you about yourself...you will know when you have found it because it will tell you, you are calm, comfortable, strong, mindful, caring, kind, confident, skillful, motivated and able...(you may want to add your own list of positive words here that will be particularly helpful to you at this time but keep the confident and calm and comfortable in as these will help you)...you know this is the true you because this is the place where the truth is located...now find the part of your brain that concentrates on breathing and go there a while and concentrate on that for a while and notice your breathing is calm and rhythmic...then find the place in your brain where untruths lie...and now go to the place in your brain where everything that you forget is located...now put your name in there and then after a couple of seconds take it out again...now go back once more to the place where the truth is held and once again feel the joy of knowing that you are calm, comfortable, strong, mindful, caring, confident, skillful, motivated and able...Good! Now stay there a while and enjoy the feeling of relaxation and calmness...Good! Now start to become aware of the floor beneath your feet, the arms of the chair beneath your hands, become aware of the sounds in your environment, now slowly open your eyes and notice something in your surroundings and while you do so become aware of increasing levels of energy and slight movement in your muscles and soon you are now fully alert and wide awake and you are calm and comfortable and now full of invigorating energy...you feel good!

Take Care now...

Hypno

define depression

1/11/10 7:21pm

Thanks Hypno,

You have a strength unimaginable to most, to be a support person so young. your mother is lucky to have had someone like you in her life.

The world on your shoulders so young will leave you traumatised, you can stand tall and proud as the wisdom you have gained cannot be found in the text books.

we could all do wonders practicing your methods of relaxation, if only we could sit still long enough, LOL

The kahuna is similar in calming and filling our heart and soul with love and acceptance,

my kahuna therapist reminds me each visit to sit quietly and feel the love, I need to do this more and your methods give a practical approach to achieving this, finding the peaceful truth in our heart.

draw on our strengths and all the best for a happy future

AN insight into a Suicide attempt- from the carer of a suicidal individual

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