This is Me, Lost and Alone and VERY confused!

By ChaseK8 Thursday, September 22, 2011

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I don't really know what to say here so I will just share the basics. I am a mother of two that is suffering from depression. I think that I have been for a very long time, but I am just realizing it recently and taking it seriously. Since the birth of my daughter 18 months ago my symptoms have gotten worse and my mood swings, irrational behavior and uncontrolable emotions/anger are ruining our family life. I am constantly angry or upset about something and I almost feel empty inside.

My relationship is rocky at the moment, to put it lightly, and my constant misery has turned my partner against me, which has aided in making my depression worse. It seems no matter whatI do, or how hard I try to make everyone happy it is not enough...

I want to live a normal, happy life, whatever that means, but it seems unattainable for me.

I have in the past been in abusive relationships, I have used Drugs and Alcohol to cover up my feelings, and I have put on a mask to the world pretending that I am a happy, perfect, perky person, but I am sick to death of wearing this mask and living this make-believe life. I want to "actually" be happy for once, but I don't even know what happy means to me...

I am not currently on any medication but I am heading to the doctor next week to get something.. I took Wellbutrin in the past (along with many other pills) and it was the only thing that worked well for me so I am aiming to try it again. I stopped taking it because it was not covered by my drug plan, but seeing as it is the only thing that worked for me (without any side effects) I am going to find a way to pay for it and use it again.

I don't really know what I am looking for on here... Support and information I suppose. No one seems to understand what I am going through and my family/friends/partner just sort of brush it off. My husband tells me to go get help, but he doesn't realize it is not that simple... it is a combination of so many things now that a pill wont fix it all... I am kind of lost at the moment and I don't know what I am supposed to do. I am feeling alone. I have friends but no desire to be around them especially with my home life being so messed up... It just seems counter productive to me I suppose....

I am rambling on here... sorry, I constantly have a million thoughts racing through my head... I will leave it at this and if anyone has any advice, or questions I will be more than willing to listen and answer.

Thanks in advance

ChaseK8

Comments (6) | Add comment

aml0017

9/22/11 3:28pm

You explained your situation really well. And yes, we all can relate to the way you are feeling because we have all been there. I am glad you are here and trying to help yourself on the way to getting better by seeing your doctor. Have you considered going to counseling, not only yourself but your husband as well? It is hard when the people in your life don't understand what you are going through, or even worse, think you are overreacting. We can't expect them to truly understand, only someone who has gone through depression can do that. However, in order for them to support us, they need to know that what we are feeling is real even though they don't understand, and that they are not helping us by invalidating our feelings.

I hope the Wellbutrin works for you again, let us know. I am not currently taking any meds but I still keep it as an option in the back of my head. I should probably be on something but I just have a hatred of medicine for some reason, but that's just me.

Hope to hear from you often on this site!

ChaseK8

9/22/11 4:01pm

Thank you for your reply and I appreciate the advice. I have gone for counselling in the past through my family doctors office, but the counseller that they set me up with was a little 'annoying' (is the only way to put it) I think I would benefit more from a physiatrist than a counseller and that is something I am going to talk with my Famil doctor about on Monday. I brought it up in the past but my doctor seems to brush it off.. Granted alot has changed since then so I am hoping that he will be more interested in it this time... As for counselling with my husband I doubt that will be an option, he is supportive of ME getting help, but no matter how hard I try I can't convince him to participate in that help... He is a bit stubborn and often feels that he is being blamed when I try to express how I feel. I don't know if it is just the years of hurtful things we have been saying to eachother, or the wear of my mood swings on him, but he always gets defensive when I express how I am feeling as so I try to avoid discussing it with him. I will try bringing it up again once I begin medication and get the things I need in place, hopefully seeing me make changes will change his view point a bit.

Merely Me, Health Guide

9/22/11 3:37pm

Hi there

You have done very well to articulate what is happening in your life and how you are feeling. Being a mother is one of the hardest jobs in the world and if you feel unsupported...the stress can be overwhelming.

You say that you have been in abusive relationships...I guess I am wondering...is this true of your current relationship? Is part of your depression the fact that your current relationship is not supportive?

How are your kids doing through this?

As a parent myself...I do understand how hard it can be to try to be functional with depression and also take care of children.

A couple of other questions...do you have any supports...friends or family to help? And would you consider therapy?

Knowing that Wellbutrin has helped you in the past is good knowledge to have. It is very possible that it could help you again to get over this hump...and take some of the edge off. But like you say...a pill can only do so much.

If you could change anything in your life what would it be?

You may want to read this article about postpartum depression. I am wondering if hormones may be contributing to your depression. Have you had a good physical lately? Medical conditions like thyroid problems can contribute to symptoms of depression.

I am so sorry you are going through this bad time. Please let us know how we may best support you.

Talk to us...we are here to listen.

Thanks for reaching out here.

ChaseK8

9/22/11 4:33pm

Hi Merely Me,

Thank you so much for your response, I really appreciate it. I will attempt to answer all your questions and clarify things a bit more...

My current relationship has become verbally abusive I guess you could say. When my hubby and I first got together he went on and on about how great I was and how he was so happy to be with me, but in the last year/year and a half, things have drastically changed... As I said before, the birth of my daughter (18 months ago) really made my depression worse and there are some days when I look at her and feel nothing, like we never bonded, yet other times I love her so deeply that I could just die for her... The same feelings seem to get directed at my partner. I don't know how to explain our relationship really... We have said so many hurtful things to eachother and worn eachother down over the last few months that I don't really know where things are at... He is unsupportive because when I try to talk to him he getes defensive and thinks I am blaming him (which most of the time I am not, I am just trying to express how I feel) I tend to get overly emotional and irrational as well which leads to yelling over the simplest conversations (me yelling not him. I yell and he name calls.) At this point in time we are teetering on the edge ready to crumble at any moment. I have constant obsessions about him cheating on me, worries that he is leaving, and irrational suspisions about everything he does... Partly because in the past he has 'talked' to other women and said things that I find inappropriate when we have been fighting. He has made me out to look crazy to all his friends and tried to make himself look perfect... Though he has never acted on any of these conversations, it is a fear that I hold deep... I think because of the hurtful, awaful things that have been said when we fight I am insecure. ( I know deep inside that I should not stress or worry about these things because if he did do it then it would be his loss not mine, but it hurts...) Our relationship is VERY hard to explain and was once wonderful, but has been under extreme strain lately... With that said there is no physical abuse and he does want me to get help for my problems. But the fighting with us does make my depression worse because I am over sensitive and think everything he says or does is directed at me and that I am always wrong, bad, or not good enough... He has a way of making me feel bad even when I have not done anything to feel bad about... and the worst part is he doesn't do this on purpose... I don't know this is a deep subject I guess and I dont have the words to explain.

The children have felt the stress of my depression probably the most... Between fighting with my partner and feeling a deep emptiness a lot of the time there are rough days in our house. Add to that the fact that we have moved around a LOT in the last 2 years and it has been hard on them... but they are happy for the most part, and even though it is hard for me I try my best to do things with them... Though I wish I was the active and fun mom that I was when my son was young.. The truth is my hubby does most of the things for my daughter.

As for supports, not really... My friends would be supportive if I approached them but I don't have it in me to do it... I have lost a large number of them the last few years and the ones I still do have I feel like I have nothing in common with and don't have the energy or desire to make the effort to be around... This is partly due to the fact that I don't like going out anymore, and partly because I am obsessed about what my partner is doing and never leave the house. I am constanly stressed and always on edge when I am out and so I don't have a good time... Its really messed up! My family is Okay I guess but no one seems to get the severity of it, they all blame my relationship, or just brush it off, but my relationship is not the "cause" I was like this before my relationship and would be like it after were I to leave...

I explained in another reply that I have had counselling before but it did not help and in fact made me feel worse, the counseller I was sent to didn't work for me and so I am going to speak to my doctor more about a physiatirst Monday...

I think therapy would help me, but getting it is somewhat difficult and I have a tendancy to start things and not finish them, or make appointments and not show up for them... I feel crazy as I write this, I know all of it sounds so lazy and dumb...

If I could change anything in my life I would change the fact that I am sooo obsessed with my partner and what he is doing that I don't take care of myself and what I need...

I will have a look at the article you attached as well... I hope I answered your questions and again thank you for your response.. I rambeled on alot here, so I will leave it at that for now!!!

Thanks

Merely Me, Health Guide

9/23/11 5:03pm

Hey

Thanks for writing back.

I am glad you were able to get out what is truly bothering you. Do you have reason to believe that he cheated on you at some point? Or do you think this fear is the result of insecurity? Sometimes parenthood can bring on these feelings as...you are working so hard to take care of children that the romance and sexual intimacy can wain. is this something you can talk to him about directly? Maybe you would feel better if you talked about your feelings in a non-confrontational way. Is this something you would like to try?

I guess the main question is...what has got you to feeling so bad about yourself? Is it the depression? Is it your new role of being a mom? Is it the lack of support? Or has this always been there?

These would be great topics to discuss with a therapist.

Let us know how you are doing. I am sorry you are going through this bad time.

ChaseK8

9/30/11 1:30pm

I don't have any reason to believe that he has actually physically cheated on me, I have seen messages that show 'emotional' cheating so to speak... but I believe that they were more a way for him to make himself feel good, and to know that he could get another woman if he wanted to, but I don't have any reason to believe that he even went through with actually cheating and I don't think that I think he really would... but YES, I believe that my concerns are based out of insecurity.

I realize now that I have always been insecure, especially in relationships, but I never saw it until now or I was good at hiding it. I have spent a grat deal of my life pretending to be a happy, perky person and now that I am actually being honest about being unhappy and my depression I find that people don't seem to want to deal with it and often drift away... I can't say I blame them really as sometimes I want to run away from my emotions too...

Talking directly with my partner is hard because he gets defensive and always thinks I am pointing blame and this leads to me getting emotional and I end up 'pointing balme' its like a never ennding cycle. Every time we do talk about ANY problems it turns in to an argument and nothing EVER gets resolved. When I try to explain that I need or want more affection his response is that if I was not treating him like crap or fighting all the time than he would be affectionate, this leads to me trying to explain that I am miserble because he doesn't give me affection and him repeating the same... this goes on and on and I often feel as if it is pointless. I have tried to be more calm and caring and sweet and loving and all the other things he seems to want (clean house, well-behaved kids, etc...) but when I don't get a reaction after a day or two I often give up or freak out... I am the type of person who needs constant reassurance and when I don't get acknowledgement for the things I do I feel abandoned and unloved... Its scary actually because I knwo its not the case, but I can't seem to controll the thoughts (much like with my anger or sadness)

I am working on finding a counseller and I am hoping that once I start working on myself he will be more willing to work with me. For now I just try to accept that things are going to take time, but it is difficult... Patience has never been my strong suit!

This is Me, Lost and Alone and VERY confused!

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