Okay, so me and my fiance have been engaged for almost two years now and have been planing on getting married once I finish college, 2011. We have had a great relationship and he is the best man I have ever met in my whole life. Recently we went on a cruise in January to Mexico for 5 nights and then for Valentines Day he surprised me by taking me to the musical GREASE! We are madly in love, or so I thought. He has been working at his new job for about a month now, where he works from 1-9:30 Mon-Fri. He is still in training so he has to do a lot of studying and test taking, but the great thing is, is that he is at the top of his class. He is a genius!
The first week of March he started to sound like a ghost on the phone. He had a depression problem before we got together, and he actually took medicine for it. But when we got together he stopped taking it because I made him so happy. We had been talking about our wedding and having kids real soon and then when he called me on night he changed completely. He said that he felt pushed away by me, and was getting cold feet, and wasn't happy anymore. He said he didn't want to break up but he doesn't know what to do, he is afraid he will never be happy again and he is so scared. I told him I would give him the time he needs to get happy again. He told me he was depressed with the way his life has turned out. He didn't make college soccer, he didn't get in to the army, and now he has tons of money to pay back on students loans for going to a private college for two years. He wants so bad to finish college but he doesn't have the money too. He freaks out about money all the time, but then goes and buys a motorcycle, and gets a huge tattoo and stuff like that.
We went a whole week without talking to each other and then he called me one night at 2 am. And I asked where we stood and he still didn't know, and when I mentioned breaking up he started to cry. He then told me he was drinking himself to sleep every night, he was drunk when we were talking. And he told me he was going over 100 on his motorcycle and weaving in and out of traffic and even driving on the double yellow line with cars coming and going. He has never ever done anything so stupid since we've been together. I feel so left in the dark. I want to help him so badly, but I'm afraid if I make contact I'll push him away more. I told him he has a month to get his life together.
Its just so weird, we went from talking about kids, and even telling me to stop taking my bc... to him not wanting to talk to me. I try telling hiim to go back on his medicine but he refuses. I don't want him to hurt himself cause his family and I would just die inside.
I can't imagine a life without him, I always thought we would be together, but now my dreams seem to be coming to an end.
Chicamat, I'm sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like your fiance should definitely see his doctor about getting back on medication. I think it might have been a little too much to tell him he has a month to get himself together because even with medication, it can very well take longer than that - depression doesn't run in the same timeline for everyone. The deal breaker for me would be if he makes no effort at all to get help. You might want to read this sharepost by Deborah Gray on What To Do When Your Partner Is Depressed. And here is a sharepost by John Folk-Williams addressed to the partners of depressed men. These might help you understand a little better what's going on with your fiance.
But you do need to take care of yourself and not put your life on hold. Only you can know how long to wait. Think about what would be happening if you had already been married and had a child - would you give him a month to snap out of it? This is something that could happen several times during the course of his life, especially if he isn't planning on taking any medication or getting therapy at all.
I wish you all the best and please feel free to write here again any time. We'll help you however we can.
Judy,
Thanks so much. I know I told him he has a month, but honestly I know I will always be waiting around for him. My heart just broke right away when we went on this "break" although I suggested it. I lost 9 lbs in 6 days, and kept blaming myself for all of this. My heart is in two right now, I worry about him so much and just want him to be back to the way he was, but if he doesn't what do I do. We were suppose to get married, have kids, and grow old together.
I have been thinking, what if we do get married and have kids and he has another break down. The whole point of a relationship is to help each other when one is down. And instead of me being able to help him out, he just cut me out. The first night we went on our break, I said goodnight and not "I LOVE YOU' and he started crying his eyes out and asked if I still loved him. And I assured him that even if I don't say "I love you" I do love him, with every beat of my heart.
Its just so weird that this depression came out of nowhere. I am still wearing my engagement and can't imagine taking it off. When we spoke last I told him that if we get back together, we should go back to just being boyfriend and girlfriend, since he has cold feet. I told him we are still young and still need to have fun, relax, and take our time. That I don't care when we get married and have kids as long as we are happy and together.
Thanks!
It sounds like you have a good eye on this, Chicamat. Yes, that is what commitment is all about, being there in the good times and bad. But, it can't be all one-sided. My husband and I have been through this many times, I tend to get depressed more often than he does, but we're both willing to get help and we've been in couples therapy for years, which has been tremendously helpful. You could benefit from that, too. It just depends on how much he's willing to do to help himself. Depression can be looked at like an illness similar to, say, diabetes, where you know you'll always have it, but you have to take your medicine and make lifestyle changes to keep it under control. Hopefully, he will understand that. If he had a therapist, that would help a lot, because it's more than just taking medicine that helps - it's your whole line of thinking that gets distorted with depression.
Good luck with this, hope you'll let us know how things go or if you just need to vent, don't hesitate to write again. A lot of us have been there on one side of it or the other, or both. Take care.