Hey, Sometimes we cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I want to share my experience in hopes that it will give you courage and strength to continue to fight for your life. I first became depressed in middle school. I thought all kids felt really sad and lonely.&...
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your story
Dee
Sunday, February 24, 2008 at 03:23 AM
Hi Musician,
Welcome. This is a friendly place with alot of good people that understand. It's good that you found us. I'm sorry for your trials but it sounds like you are a strong & persevering soul.
I can relate to the early feelings of depression as well as the need to hide them from parental figures & the like. It doesn't sound as if your parents handled it very well as it was.
It also felt familiar to me when you said, "I guess God has other plans for me." I've been able to take a little comfort from that thought myself at least until recently. My life is certainly not what I'd pictured or planned & I've struggled with that for some time now. Particularly since turning 25. But I have been forced even more so to acknowledge my powerlessness over God's will during the past 6 months. In August I lost my best friend to an overdose. She had struggled with addiction for most of her life & the people who loved her were unable to do anything to help her. I loved her very much & have been plauged by doubts, guilt & questions over what I should have done differently each & every day since learning of her death. Still rational thinking holds no comfort for me. I KNOW I had no control over what happened. I KNOW that things happen as they are meant to. I KNOW I did what I thought was best at the time for her & for my own well being. I just can't bring myself to FEEL any of those things. Each day is a struggle & sometimes I'm not sure where to find the energy to face it. I almost feel guilty for that though because I know others have it so much worse than me.
I think about moving far away sometimes just to start over. I wonder if a new start, a new scene, new people might bring new feelings & a new outlook. Did it work for you then? How is Colorado? I hear so much about how beautiful it is out there & how different the scenery is compared to the east coast.
Hang in there & I hope to hear from you.
Peace,
Danielle
re: your story
Cassandra Abeln
Wednesday, February 27, 2008 at 01:26 AM
Danielle,
I am sorry to hear of your loss. Friends are so important to people like you and I. My experience in Colorado was very helpful. I removed myself from family stress and academic stress, and tested my faith in ways I had never before. I discovered that God really does provide. Even though my bills surpassed my wages as a nanny, somehow they were still all paid. It was really amazing to feel that assurance that I was never alone and that God did care about me. It was also surprising to find that I was quite strong when I had to function in order to survive. The mountains are so beautiful to see each morning. Even if I couldn't hike, seeing them was enough proof that Earth is not hell, though it often feels like it.
One word of caution about changing scenery, you need to start looking for a community to belong to immediatly. I joined a women's rugby team. They were all about fun and games; perhaps just what a serious girl like me needed.
I live in Utah now, and again the mountains are so majestic, but the culture is a little too stale for me in my current location. I never really made friends. Perhaps moving somewhere new, but where you still have family or a friend is best.
You cannot run away from this though, just retreat for awhile. I spent a year learning about myself and my faith, then I had to go back and finish what I started. I was just much stronger when I returned.
musician
Hi Musician,
Welcome. This is a friendly place with alot of good people that understand. It's good that you found us. I'm sorry for your trials but it sounds like you are a strong & persevering soul.
I can relate to the early feelings of depression as well as the need to hide them from parental figures & the like. It doesn't sound as if your parents handled it very well as it was.
It also felt familiar to me when you said, "I guess God has other plans for me." I've been able to take a little comfort from that thought myself at least until recently. My life is certainly not what I'd pictured or planned & I've struggled with that for some time now. Particularly since turning 25. But I have been forced even more so to acknowledge my powerlessness over God's will during the past 6 months. In August I lost my best friend to an overdose. She had struggled with addiction for most of her life & the people who loved her were unable to do anything to help her. I loved her very much & have been plauged by doubts, guilt & questions over what I should have done differently each & every day since learning of her death. Still rational thinking holds no comfort for me. I KNOW I had no control over what happened. I KNOW that things happen as they are meant to. I KNOW I did what I thought was best at the time for her & for my own well being. I just can't bring myself to FEEL any of those things. Each day is a struggle & sometimes I'm not sure where to find the energy to face it. I almost feel guilty for that though because I know others have it so much worse than me.
I think about moving far away sometimes just to start over. I wonder if a new start, a new scene, new people might bring new feelings & a new outlook. Did it work for you then? How is Colorado? I hear so much about how beautiful it is out there & how different the scenery is compared to the east coast.
Hang in there & I hope to hear from you.
Peace,
Danielle