My story

Hey,

  Sometimes we cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I want to share my experience in hopes that it will give you courage and strength to continue to fight for your life.

   I first became depressed in middle school.  I thought all kids felt really sad and lonely.  I prayed that I would die because life was simply too hard.  My parents did not know anything was wrong because I put on a face for them.  They had enough problems.

   When they found out, I was sent to a mental hospital for diagnosis.  Those were the worst 3 days of my life.  I felt abandoned, ashamed, afraid, crazy, and alone.  The staff insisted that something must be wrong in my life for me to have these feelings.  I told them I didn't know why I felt like I did.

    I was diagnosed with severe depression, put on meds, and sent home.  My parents never talked about it.  I thought they were ashamed of me.  The meds made me feel nothing.  I was not happy, sad, or anything.  So, I quit and told them I was better.  I lied.

   I struggled alone for years, until I finally hit bottom in college.  I started seeing mental health professionals and was diagnosed with severe recurring depression.  We tried medication after medication after medication.  All the while, I was trying to be a college student.  I didn't work.  

   I took a leave of absence from school, moved to Boulder, CO where I knew no one, found a new psychiatrist, nannied, and joined a rugby team.  After a few months, we finally found some medications that worked.  Lots of side affects of course.  Sometimes my hands shook so much that my food fell off my fork before I could get it from my plate to my mouth.

   I started to be happy again, but got into a car accident.  I went back to school and discovered that I had been hurt without knowing at the time. Everyday I suffered crippling migraines.  Just when I thought I could live again, my life and dreams crumbled before my eyes.  

   It has been 4 years since the car accident.  I am a chronic pain patient, cannot hold a full-time job, and am fighting the depression hardcore.  I have come to terms with my pain as best I can.  I am 25 and know that I will never be a teacher like I dreamed.  Instead I tutor from my home on good days.  I guess god just had different plans for me.