Maybe I'm dying. I have one of those stomach-aches you feel in your spine. My stomach is distended. The ache is coming in waves and cramps of newly felt muscles. I ate something very bad. My body doesn’t like me. My mind is the cause. I'm going through an emotional shifting, of sorts. I think. I don’t know. Maybe I’m dying. My father was a sick man. My father was broken. But that doesn’t excuse what he did. He beat me physically. He belittled me verbally. He tore me open emotionally and psychologically. My daddy was the perfect storm. I am just know realizing how bad he was I have been ashamed of myself -- ashamed I overheard the two of you in the kitchen, talking. You were talking about me. I was causing a problem. You were worried about someday explaining sex. How would I take it? I was so sensitive, already, at five years old. Daddy was disappointed. I was hiding in the pantry. I hid a lot. I liked to be in dark places back then. It helped me forget my body. I always hated my body. My cousins pinched it and called me fat. I was always causing problems. I was somehow wrong. I’m realizing how wounded I’ve been—abused I’ve been—in the past. It makes me very sad. It isn’t depression. It’s sadness. I was abused in the past. I am finally accepting. I’ve never felt this way before. I’m not in another depression. I’m just sad right now. I need to go through this sadness. I think I’m grieving. _______________ Listen! I will be honest with you;
-- Walt Whitman, "Song of the Open Road” _______________ Read more at charlesbivona.com
of my self -- since I was taught the shame feeling.
I do not offer the old smooth prizes, but offer rough new prizes;
These are the days that must happen to you...
Dear Charles (or Carlo I should say),
your surname sounds Italian to me and I am Italian born but I live in Australia. Most of the people on this and other web sites have experienced childhood traumas. I was beaten by my violent and alcoholic father but what really hurts still today is the memory of how he used to put me down verbally. The worst thing to do to a child is to take his or her self respect away.
What your father did was not right Charles. Unfortunately many parents behave in such a way that their children grow up like us trying to make the best of a very difficult situation. I still suffer today at the age of 50. I have Bipolar.
If I was to give you some advice to help you and support you I would ask you: could you tell us something good about you? What are your good points, what are your best talents not necessarily in the arts but any skills or abilities that you have. I am sure that there is a lot that is good about you. If you tell me some it may make you feel a bit better. It may be that you like cooking, or going fishing or anything like this. Something, however rare in your life, that makes you happy. What is it? Please tell the people here.
You are not worthless Charlie you need people to support you and on this website you will find many people who will be kind to you.
However, from personal experience, I know that it is difficult to focus on what we have now that is good in our life. The fact to remember is that we only have now. We don't have tomorrow and we don't have yesterday. The best thing about birds is that they have a short memory. They forget quickly all of their troubles. Maybe we should try to do the same. We know what happened but let's try to put it aside and forget it even if for a short while. Let's try not to let it spoil every bit of our life. Most of us get unwell with our Depression or mania. We carry on and try to cope with the downs and up of our lives. Try hard to think of some positive things about your life or maybe positive things that could happen in a near future and tell everyone here about it. We know the sad Charlie the one who has been traumatized and everyone is here to help you. But what about the other Charlie?
All we have now is hope for a better tomorrow. We cannot go back and change anything. But you can do it Charlie you can slowly improve your life if you try. I know it may look difficult or impossible now but you must protect yourself from the memories of what your father said to you. You are not worthless. You are a person who has a right to live in this world, to enjoy life and to experience things. All people can make it no matter how terrible their past. One wonderful book that can help you a little is 'I am OK you're OK' by Thomas A. Harris. He was a rare psychiatrist who knew that most Depression and Bipolar comes from Childhood traumas.
From now there are two roads you can take: to continue with the sad memories and you can continue to share these with the people here; or you can start to talk about strategies and new ways to look at your situation and the people here will help you also to find the new Charlie who is hidden somewhere inside you afraid to come out. We were all, and some still are, afraid. Here the people will support you there is no need to be afraid because we all understand your sufferings from personal experience perspective. The second option is the more desirable.
What I do sometimes is that I go bush walking or where there are no people and I imagine that I can talk to my father. He is dead now. If he was alive I would not confront him with the past but I would still talk to him in my imagination to let all the frustration out. Now I can tell him off in this way because I am not a helpless child anymore I am an adult who can tell him off. I tell him off about how he treated me, how he made me feel inferior and worthless and how he spoiled a lot of my life. Sometime I yell as I walk and I feel better. Maybe you should try it. But don't listen to that voice inside you that tells you that you are not worth much. THis is not your inner voice it is the voice of your father that you have internalised and now take as your own voice. It is not you are not worthless. You are not fat you do not look fat. This voice does not speak the truth and you should not listen to it.
This is my advice to you. I hope that it is helpful
Alfredo
Thank you! I agree with everything you said. Things aren't always so bad. I am a college writting professor. I am a good teacher. I inspire my students to write. I am a good friend and a good lover. I am a practicing Buddhist and I just rescued a twelve month old kitten. I named him Bodhisattva, Bodhi for short.
I only posted a link to my depression blog because it seemed relavent.
Here is where my bright side lives --> http://bivona.wordpress.com/
And this is where my playful side resides --> http://bivonacharles.wordpress.com/
Thank you for the kind words of empathy and compassion.
Yours,
Charles Bivona
P.S. The name is Italian but I was born in New Jersey, USA.
Thank you for your reply Cahrles,
You are a college writing professor, a good teacher and you inspire your students to write. Well, this is more than enough for you to be considered a special person who has achieved much in his life. I guess that you really proved your father that you are not worthless. I hope that you remind yourself that you are special as well given that you help so many students. I have a friend professor in the UK of Religious studies with the University of Cardiff. He teaches Buddhism. One of his latest books is: 'Tantric Revisionings New Understtandings of Tibetan Buddhism and Indian Religion.' His name is Geoffrey Samuel and this is his link
http://www.cardiff.ac.uk/relig/contactsandpeople/stafflist/prof-geoffrey-samuel-overview.html
I particularly like his idea of Technology of consciousness particularly in relation to the understanding of the relationship between consciousness, body and materiality in relation to healing. This, no doubt, can lead to the development of mindfulness but it takes years of practice.
I better stop here. We all make mistakes when we think about it Charles. I think that what makes a good person is her or his ability to forgive and to understand that we really learn through sufferings. Most importantly what help us get through is our ability to forgive ourselves. The traumas that we have endured makes us less than perfect and we can use this understanding to forgive ourselves and others for their mistakes. It is easy tocriticise but difficult to forgive. I have forgiven my father but I still tell him off when I walk through the Australian bush or when I am alone. He knows that I will not keep that negative energy inside. But I do understand why he made the mistakes he did.
Over the years, the more I experience suffering the more it makes sense. Suffering can make us better people provided that it is not self inflicted. In all probability what we experienced as children has made us suffer terribly but through this suffering some wonderful aspects of our personality have emerged. We must hold on to these wonderful personality and let this heal our heart. We all have something to offer not matter what skills or talents we have. We can always learn from everyone.
Some professors ( I have many friends who are professors) tell me that when one becomes highly educated it is easy to become isolated in terms of being able to find a real friend. Even teachers or professors in other fields, though they are surrounded by many people, they long for a real friendship, one that is deep and meaningful. We all have our children that we carry inside and both you and I can be children even now in the body of an adult. And because of our traumas it is important to let the child express her or himself. So I feel that in your posts you wanted to let your child out and show it to the world. This is very good Charles I think that you are a wonderful person for doing this. I trust that your life will get better and better even if you get depressed sometimes. We must hold on to the few good things that we have. Here you will find many good people.Write more often because people really need Buddhism which is not so much a religion but a method that can help us to change our perception of reality to make this a better world.
Alfredo
Ciao Carlo [Charles]
I have read your posts. I cant give much of myself because at the moment, I am writing about my life, from the time I was abandoned, how my mama went off and had 7 more beautiful children and never came back for me, Ive met with her, the insuing sense of 'there must be something wrong with me' The childhood depression, the negligence physical and emotional, the abuse, as a child and as an adolescent, having to leave school at 13 and having to teach myself all I know. I suffer from Dreadful black and pitless depressions, devoid of hope, the distorted thinking is very painful, it wrecks the psyce, the exaustion, the agitation, the loss of feeling anything.Dead Woman walking - you see an Orange autumnal sunset and you know you should feel a great joy and yet you feel nothing. I have a great affinity with, and work voluntarily with Cats. im so happy you took that tiny mite in to give him a good home, a structured home, of course, when youre meditating he ll be running up your back but thats ok. You will feel, the feel of the cool sheets, of soft skin, the feel of paper, crisp paper, the sleek fur of your little bundle that you saved from the Road. It will pass
That is the only thing I know to be true,
Dear rose,
Through all of your sufferings you have developed a wonderful, caring and highly intelligent personality. You have become a rare person, real and who speaks the truth. Truth is everything and you always speak the truth. From your terrible experiences has emerged a wonderful person.
I should have added that one of your biggest heartaches, I sense, is that you are gifted. To be gifted or talented can be a disability in itself. There are some gifted people on this website. On Bipolar Connect there is one of the most gifted man I have ever come across, knowthyself, who is a misunderstood genius. It takes one to know one.
Dear johnny Many thanks for that, I feel fragile but at the same time, I am Real, 100% real, its a great feeling. No chemicalized lobotomy for me !! Slowly does it.
Dear Charles,
You are a very gifted writer and your poems are beautiful. I have written a poem but I am not 100% happy with it. I include it here and I wonder if you could give me some feedback about how to fix it a bit. Better stil, if you could show me directly I would be grateful but if not that is OK:
We are the forgotten people
with nowhere to hide
dreamers of dreams
on whom the palemoon gleams
Yet we move and shake the world
one with love
one with a dream
one with art
Ages come and ages go
and we the forgotten people know
that each age has its dream that is dieing
or one that is coming to birth
We sit and watch
each age with its dream
on that dies
one that is coming to birth
as the palemoon gleams
on our forgotten faces.
What this poems says is a bit complex and I don't know if I have covered everything well. The forgotten people are the artists, the writers, the poets the scientists who are often misunderstood. Because of their talents they are often avoided. They are seen as being vane, as raving on about themselves and as trying to be elitist. This is far from the truth. All talented people want is to share their talents with people, to be recognized and to enjoy the talents given to them. But they never put down other people and always respect others. They don't show their talents to make other feel inferior. Most importantly they know that everyone has their own special talents. Sharing their talents helps them to grow to do better and to come up with better products in the search for understanding, development and wisdom through art. But many don't get it and it is common for many of my talented music students to develop depression. They feel different, their peers dislike them and they are very much misunderstood. Yet this is our world Charles. If one is not a famous sportsperson or a rock star or an actor one cannot be considered gifted or talented. It is elitist and something that people dislike. This is just the way things are.
Every historical age is similar: the artists, poets and scientist are often misunderstood. We know of their work but nothing of their life, how they suffer, how people envy them how people resent them and how difficult it is for a gifted or talented people to function in a world where they have to keep hiding their talents.
It is crazy but our reality.I am not jealous of your gift. Your writing is tremendoulsy poetic and you have the ability to make people feel pain or joy or sensitivity through your words. I love this It makes me feel good and I appreciate it. It is a wonderful gift for everyone to share here. I thank you for it and please keep showing your talents.
You are a gifted professor and I am sure that you understand where words don't carry me well. My first language is Italian and I arrived in Australia at the age of 18. I have a strong accent and English is a second language. However, I try to do my best. As they say you are cool man!