I've been wanting to talk about my silent companion for a long time. I just need to. I am astounded by the taboos that still surround suicide. Don't talk about it! Danger! You'll give someone the idea, they'll do it, it will be your fault! NOT TRUE. Trust me. I think about it almost all the time. Like I said, companion. More people think about suicide than we would suspect, yet may never act on it, no one may ever know. I know. Sometimes my thoughts edge towards plans, or some sort of spontaneous lethal act. I have frightened myself more than once. Other times it's a dull roar in the middle of my head, luring me like Sirens to dash myself against some rock. Other times it is mercifully quiet. 

When I ask someone if they have thought of or are thinking about suicide, I'm not giving them ideas. It's already there. I have noticed something different about them, some loss, some changes in behavior, sensing they've lost hope somehow, someway; something that sets off mywarning bells  - so I trust the bells - I pay attention. It may be that the person may not name it as such, so I name it. "I'm a worried about you, and I'm wondering if you are thinking about suicide?" It gives permission to talk about this terrifying secret a person carries around. Naming suicide can also elicit a huge releaseof tension and distress. It takes a great deal of focus and energy to NOT talk about it. It is a relief. We fear being judged, we fear inappropriate reactions, we may not want to be rescued, we just want to talk about it.  What led me here? Where/when did my despair raise its ugly head? How did I get so scared, so isolated? Indeed, it's been my experience that most people have a pretty good idea of what would be a healthy, non-lethal alternative to suicide. It's just that sometimes it gets scrambled up in our head with all the scary stuff, so we forget for awhile just how capable and resilient we can be. Sometimes our minds can seem like the junk drawer that most people have in their homes. You know the one; full of string, stamps, elastics, paper clips, thread, old keys, pens, etc... Most of it is very useful stuff to have around but if we don't clean it out/straighten it out once in a while it can get tangled to the point where it could be lifted out of the drawer with one hand. I think our minds can get like that. I think talking about our thoughts and feelings can ease the tension, loosen the knots, allow us to see the thoughts that are helping us and identify the ones we don't need anymore. Maybe some of the pens in our junk drawer have long since dried up. 

What is most important for me to say is that it's ok to ask if some is thinking of suicide. You might feel afraid, definitely the person feels afraid because it is so difficult to trust and then to find someone to trust to talk about such delicate issues. It is terrifying to askand to hear the person answer "Yes". But what I want to say is that by asking, yes the risk is you'll get a yes, but you will also be showing in a very concrete and courageous way that you care about this person. You are offering them a chance to voice the frightening things they've been thinking. And if you are like me, you know that when I get a chance to talk about what's hurting I get clearer, my thought can run circles around my brain ad they remain cloudy, unfocussed, when you give me permission to talk, I can focus, I can see through and past the despair, to another option. And I no longer feel alone, because someone like you had the compassion to reach out a hand to me, and now there's at least two of us working together to help me. Thank you to all the hands that keep reaching for me when I lose my way.