Hi all, those who read my posts will know my mother dumped me at 6months on her mother to rear then high tailed it back to London, UK where already having a
daughter older than me, she went on to have a large brood of kids with a really nasty abusive Madman [my father]. ~ She was offered help to leave him but chose to stay. Those kids suffered. I never heard a word, not a card, a phonecall and thought my Grandparents [ageing] were my Mother/Father. When i was 10 I was told the truth. It devastated me. I was suffering dreadful anxiety/Depression. My mother would come to Ireland on holiday but never showed any expression of love for me.
Fast forward~ At 18 I went to London to stay with her. To say I was unwelcome was an understatement, It was so obvious she wanted me gone. She phoned my Grandmother to say 'I hadnt offered to pay for my food'. Remember my Grandma
had paid for all my schooling/food etc on v little money.
2 Years ago I finally had enough of her phone calls as she's in her 80s. The 'lets me nice' scenario, I played along but it was pathethic, each time I was to come over to London, there would inevitably be an excuse 'the house needs painting'
I told her on the phone that I couldnt understand how she'd dumped me and that I was sick of the excuses, the conscience appeasement games she was playing, I told her she was a wash out of a mother and not to phone me again, that I had Depression issues too. A couple of recordings of my sisters vitriol ensued.
The relief was great but I suffered a dreadful Depression.
Now, some months ago, I got a very contrived, sneaky phonecall from england from my older sister saying she felt my mother was dying and that she would love a call from me. She also said the 'family' wanted to get close to me.
I fell into the trap
being needy - Phoned my mother. It was all about me going to live with her and my sister phoned me once but never again. I texted, emailed her but no answer. My mother asked me for a holiday but now says that it wouldnt be fair to ask her sons [both of my brothers are in their 50s] to give up their bedrooms so shes waiting to be able to afford a Sofa Bed !!!!
It's just pathethic and frankly, I make the calls. Its all about her. I'm finding it
unsettling, ive irritation, anger, and feel duped, conned by my sister.
I feel its too little, too late and I know in my heart She doesnt want to see me, its all talk . Should I write a letter and say, Im not able for the game playing any more ? Its hard to write the full history and i realise this isnt an autobiography post so I try in vain to keep things short. Its just my mother equals pain. She is seeking to appease her own conscience and I dont believe anything has changed.
I'm not prepared to play games anymore - I can feel myself getting Depressed again.
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you Rose. It is hard enought to heal wounds from childhood, but to have to revisit them and have the wounds ripped back open is awful. I completely understand. What you have to live with now is YOU. Whatever you choose to do, you have to live with it forever. You know that you are a better person than they are. You can see beyond all the games and personal gain they are trying to achieve. Guilt is a terrible think to have to live with. Don't be sucked down into the muck too. You are to good a person. You being given the opportunity to not live with this woman was a good thing. What would your life have been like had you not been raised by your Grandmother. You are a very intelligent, witty, clever and funny person. You have risen above the pain, rejection and hurt. You are a strong woman. Don't let them pull you down.
Hi Rena, Many tks for taking the time to write, and for your compliments.
I feel that she's an old woman, as my sister kept telling me when she said she
was 'Dying'. she wasnt Dying of course. I guess this is the hub of the problem.
Of hurting an elderly woman. Then, I think that she's still the very same person, hasnt mellowed and is totally self absorbed, self obsessed. The kids reared themselves and, I reiterate, she chose him before them, even though he was an unbelievably violent and anti-social psycopath who was in and out of prison.
I have to make the decision. I have been very anxious since she's come back into my life. She barely phones but I'm left with Depression/Anxiety and memories
that arent nice. Thanks Again Rena.
Take your time Rose. Don't rush into anything. It seems that your Mother is trying to make herself feel better, not you. Mothers like this can inflict so much pain on you. They can cause you to feel guilty and bad, when it is their guilt that they are trying to get rid of. You were to much better off without a mother like this in your life. And two brothers in their fifties still living with Mom! What is up with that? She obviously chooses men over everyone else. The damage she has caused you is terrible. It is a good thing that you were not subjected to this womans antics your whole life.
Don't let your families games drag you down. You are to good for that. I know this is easier said than done. Keep us posted and we are here for you!!!
Hi Rena, Thanks for your absolute truth and Wisdom. You are So right, It never dawned on me - but you're correct, she IS trying to make herself feel better, and is not thinking of me at all. How right you are. The comment about not asking the 'boys' [in their late 50s abit younger than me] to give up their bedrooms as it
'wouldnt be fair' really showed me how she reveres them above all else and how they , in the end are more important than seeing her daughter that she hasnt seem for years and years 20yrs approx. Wouldnt u imagine she'd be dying to see me but no, its about conscience and trying to rectify the past without actually any emotional input on her part. It's sick actually and I'm too old for these games and my Depressions are too black to risk going down into one of them on account of her. Thanks so so much Rena. You have the Gift of Wisdom and insight.