The first of many steps.

This is new for me. I have never told anyone else how I feel other than my psychiatrist and my husband. I feel like the feelings I am having now would be terrible to tell my husband because they are about him.

To start I have been suffering with depression since I was in high school. It's worse some times than others, especially when I am particularly stressed or there's a big change in my life. The most recently bout began this last week after my husband and I spent a night out with our friends. I haven't found that alcohol is a particular trigger in the past, but I feel like it was the deciding factor in this case.

I woke up the next morning with racing thoughts and could not focus if my life depended on it. I can't help but think that there's got to be something more than waking up to the same thing every day. I go to work, come home, make dinner, go to bed, then wake up the next day and do it all over again. I feels like I have nothing to look forward to.

I dont feel the same I-can't-possibly-live-without-you feeling I had about my husband that I had when we were first dating. I know I care about him very much but it's not the same as it used to be. I feel like such a terrible person for thinking these awful things, but I don't know how to control them. It makes me even more depressed because I couldn't possibly tell my husband these feelings because it would hurt him.

What am I going to do?