I am now in the midst of a deep depreeion and coming to grips with the role mental illness has played in my life. I cannot express in words how painful this process is. I guess meds would help but i feel that i need to just face reality for a while.  not that meds take away from reality.

I grew up with a schizophrenic mom and a dad who was fairly sociopathic and abusive. i was a very good student and focused on that to help me get by. i did get a ph.d., had 2 kids who are now in their 20's. one child had a psychotic break at age 20 and the other went thru serious problems culminating in extreme drug use at college and not attending classes. being there for them has been very hard as i go back and forth between feeling guilty that they have mental problems and than doing to much to make their lives easier, which allows them to not function. since there was a lot of splitting in the family, i am often the parent who is the bad guy cause i say things like, you need to work one day. now i am realizing i am probably bipolar and looking back on the past 2 yrs when i was under acute stress, i realize i did so many irrational things. as a result i lost friends and made very poor decisions. i guess i can say i am lucky to still be alive but i did get an autoimmune disease that relates to stress. i wonder if i can make it thru this time. it is overwhelming to look back on one's life and see how mental illness hurt you in so many ways. please pray for me to get the strength to move on.

Robin