I just can't handle this. I'm at work and I'm just sitting here at my desk unable to concentrate. I feel like crap. I've been living with untreated depression for about 14 years. I basically think life has no point and that we're all just waiting to die. I've learned to manage my depression to the extent that I can work and function on a basic level, but now I'm in the throes of a major depressive episode. I feel like I'm going to cry.
With me, even though I can manage my depression, any little thing that would be manageable for a normal person can throw me into an emotional abyss. This time its a woman I work with. She's married, but I am so attracted to her it hurts. She's nice, funny, beautiful, all that good stuff. It kills me that I can't be with her. We went out drinking with other people from work, and just being around her tears down every wall I've built to contain my depression. The thought of not being able to be with her sends a wave of other negative thoughts and emotions through me. I think I'll never find anyone as good as her and that I'll be sad the rest of my life. I think that even if I had the chance to be with her, she wouldn't want me anyway or I wouldn't be good enough for her.
There's a feeling in the pit of my stomach that's tearing me to pieces. I just want to break down and cry so badly, but I'm at work and I don't want to freak anyone out (no one knows about my depression).
Please, I'm begging anyone out there for some words of solace. I know there are people in the world who have it much worse than me, but that thought doesn't take this awful feeling away. I just can't take it. The very thought of her and her unavailability, coupled with my depression, is literally bringing me to my knees.
Maybe I should "just get over it." That's what my parents told me years ago when I said I was depressed. I've been able to sustain myself this long, but this girl is turning me inside out. God, I think I would go to hell and back for her if that's what she wanted. I wish I never met her.
Please God, please, someone say something, anything to help me.
Dear wester,Depression isn't something you "just get over." You need to seek treatment. There is no reason to live with this disease untreated when treatment is available.
When you're depressed, it doesn't matter if "there are people in the world who have it much worse." You deserve to live as well as possible. Depression is nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. It's a disease, every bit as much as diseases such as diabetes or thyroid disease. Your body's neurotransmitters are messed up and need adjusting.
Your feelings for this girl may be amplified by your depression. Getting your depression under control might well hold the key for dealing with those feelings too.
Please, get help for your depression. You can start with your family doctor and get a referral if necessary.
Wishing you well,
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Published On: September 17, 2007