Hi,
I am feeling very depressed right now. I feel like crying. I am anxious. When it rains, I get so depressed...I don't know how to keep it together when it rains and rains...I just feel like I cannot ever get healthy enough to work, hold it together...when I cannot get out of bed each day it rains like this...
I start taking on the world of my problems all at once...and I know I cannot do that...future catastrosizing...thinking the worst and worrying over and over...
I start getting so self critical and filled with self doubt...so sure I will mess everything up, that I cannot do it right, I cannot fight off the depression and it will destroy me...all the thoughts of how horrible I am and not good enough come back...the fear of going out...and coincidentally...the pain in my body is back today...
I just start thinking...it is only time before everyone starts hurting me, I start wanting to hurt myself, I feel bad, undeserving, inferior, less than, and just so fearful that all the worst will happen and I can't stop it...this thinking of depression....then it takes soooo much work to counter it, I work on it all day and night...I'm tired of this...
Well I think more accurately...I know I don't deserve to be treated badly but feeling this bad inside makes me have thoughts, like if I feel so bad, I must be bad...and I know this is not true! I have to fight this kind of thinking.....!
I hate depression..I am going to try what John? wrote about in a post...breaking down depression to what it actually is...and examining those things....the thoughts, feelings, very specific....I'll try that today...I feel so worthless, and like a 'bad' or 'questionable' person who needs validation because inside the voices are going and fears and self doubts....one says I am bad, another says, I did bad, another says bad things will happen if I can't get myself together, another says I am not likable, and they go on and on....
(my boyfriend does not compliment or validate me at all, that's just how he is...I was pulling teeth last night...I really needed validation and compliments and reassurance...I had to try very hard and get a few compliments from him about what was good about me....hard work...God this depression stuff is awful....
Marishka
