Hi Marishka:

I've heard that you should keep calling a company and eventually you will find someone who is willing to help you.  Maybe if you keep trying your insurance company, you can find someone who is empathetic.  I understand what it feels like to feel like you're not worth it.  You deserve to be treated well. 

Would it be possible to have a heart to heart with your father about accepting his help?  Can he help you without strings attached?  I know if I needed help from my parents I would be in the same situation.  But if you can tell him what you need and how you need it, then you'll know better what you need to do.

Good luck!

Marishka

4/10/10 1:32pm

Hi Kathy,

 

thank you for your kind supportive words.  I have not been able to get onto the site for weeks and on and off and so could not respond to anything.  You probably aren't reading this far back by now, but thank you.

 

Marishka

I think Kathy and LyraStorm both gave you good advice.  I don't really have much more to add.

But I would say that I certainly understand low self esteem that comes from believing the nasty things other people say about you and to you.  Or even from just getting a "cold shoulder" from them can be very hurtful.

I don't know if it is the depression or schizophrenia but there are many times when I panic and really freak out after I have had a one-on-one conversation with someone.  Because I am afraid I said something they took the wrong way.  Or maybe I said something that hurt their feelings or somehow turned them against me.  I tend to believe people think I am weird, too.  But the panic after a conversation is very real and very restrictive.  I get to where I would rather not say anything than to risk the fear afterwards.

I am really working at developing a thicker skin.  But those efforts are always at odds with my feelings.  I have a relative with whom I am at odds much of the time and I see it mostly as her fault (she's argumentative, bitter, and always think she is right and I am wrong.)  She looks/listens for every word that might not be precise and exact then jumps in to correct your "mistake."  It really is tiresome.  So I am nice to her -- I give her an occasional gift and call her once or twice a month to see how she is doing.  And she never does the same for me.  So why do I do it?  Why am I nice to her?  I want to be nice, but I don't want to let what she says throw me into a depressive downward turn.  I have called her on it a couple of times and told her what I thought about her attitude, but a fat lot of good that has done.  So now, I try to be pleasant but absent.

It is a good discussion topic.  I'm sorry you are on the see-saw about accepting help from your father.  As another comment said -- do it if it will help you, but not if there are strings attached.  It is hard to establish boundaries w/parents.

Donna

Marishka

4/10/10 1:40pm

Hi Donna,

 

thank you.  I am so tired right now I cannot see straight.  I appreciate your feedback and I will  read it again next time I feel a little less exhausted, it helped though,

 

thank you,

 

Marishka