best decisions

By Marishka Friday, April 16, 2010

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Hi all,

what are the ways to make the best decisions? do we always have good choices or sometimes what seems like the best of what we have available? does it matter a lot what we choose? are there bad decisions? how do we make them when we are depressed and things are needing to change to help the depression and you are not supposed to make decisions when you are depressed?

OK So I've had some big dissapointments with the insurance company and now I know how they work...they do not want to approve anything that they can get away with not approving for people as far as care...it is nothing personal...I realize this and am recovering from the feelings of anger I had a few weeks ago...

But nonetheless I still do not have a group and really need some group help...my option is to call once again and do yet another assessment ( utterly traumatizing and humilating and hating to be there)... or do what? maybe go to the meditation center even though it is an hour away?...really, I am exhausted...

I often scratch my head and wonder what happened? why am I not doing the counseling? I have all the same knowledge , took the same classes, have the same skills, and why in the world am I not doing the counseling getting paid and living a life on my own? I know I have depression but so do most counselors! I also know another very difficult fact....it takes about two years of unpaid service to accumulate hours so that you can become licensed (oh and a very hard, ridiculous test...) and then you get paid..I would not have done this degree if I had known all this...why so many obstacles to things...?

I am still wondering and wondering about taking my father's help...do I or don't I? No good therapist to talk to still...I did call about four more today though...

I feel like it is an all or nothing thing...or that something really bad may happen if I take the help or don't take it...life and death it feels....and of course I am in a depression so all is tinted...my mind wanders all over the place...if I take it, I may feel this or that...maybe that will mean I will miss all opportunities to have my own life...I'll get stuck in the mind frame that I am sick and cannot do for myself...but why does it have to be all one way or another? Why can't I just get help like lots of people and also do for myself as well? Is taking the help of a place to live too much help? Do others sometimes take this help from family? What about family that is not good to be around or have contact with? I know many people go home to their families when they suffer some hardship...if they can...if they have family...I would not hesitate to take help...in a flash if my family was kind, supportive and loving..

I fear since I fear my father...I wonder how will I feel? will it be OK for me to take the help? will it cause me to feel trapped forever? will I survive the winters here?

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Rosemarie

4/16/10 1:39pm

Hi Marishka, When we're depressed, and under stress as well, our thinking is Distorted. This is a Fact. So, its important to really look at the problem without a jaundiced eye. To stick to the facts, leave emotions out. I know that I can cope with situations [noise being one we both suffer from where we live, no money being another] when Im well but when I'm Depressed, the noise just makes me want to go and shoot the Cars !! I think its important to maybe talk over things before we make lifechanging decisions whilst depressed, such as changing house, buying something, telling a relative something important, anything like that, a relationship, all is greyed over and things seem more intense, comments made to us with no intent to hurt us, cut us to the bone when we are over sensitized with depression. I hope this is of some help.

Marishka

4/16/10 2:25pm

Hi Rosemarie,

I am so glad you said that about the cars...lol...I feel the exact same way.....but I really think there is something to the noise thing too....it causes stress and that causes depression...especially if it is constant or very jarring to the body and the nerves...the engines starting outside my room...that is hell on my nerves...many studies have shown that noise causes a lot of health issues for humans...I lived near a freeway in one of my last places, then in a basement with unbearably loud pipes in an old home...I need quiet desperately...my muscles are in constant constriction here...then horrid pain, then it forgets how to relax the muscles when I leave...

I know it worsens my stress by 95 % or so....and then my thinking gets strained and I get depressed...like any stress seems to...but noise has been a huge issue for me for many years now...it has gotten to where I just cannot stand it ...

So I know we are not supposed to make big decisions when we are depressed...but I find that the noise is unbearable and that thinking clearly is very hard under this amount of stress...I try to go out as much as possible and get to some quiet...in the park...but I have to come home and it is all the time and really unbearable...

I really feel so desperate to get away from the noise that I feel I have to do something really...what is the question...

each day it really is torture for me...really whether I am depressed or not...but yes, when depressed it is even worse...

I want to take the offer just to have quiet, so I can finally have some peace..it is hard when choices do not seem to be choosing the best of many good things....but rather, the best of not the greatest just to have some relief from pain....

Marishka

Judy

4/17/10 11:20pm

Marishka, I am leaning toward thinking you should take the help from your father, if only to get yourself out of your living situation, and then maybe you can think more clearly. Think of it as your just desserts for all the pain he has caused you. This doesn't mean you can't do something different down the road, but right now you're just spinning your wheels. I think it's true that often times there are no really good choices to make, sometimes you have to decide which is the least harmful. Make the decision, then move forward with it, don't look back. Maybe in a quieter environment, a lot of the other things that bother you now won't so much, like winter.

That's just my opinion, anyway - I tend to make decisions more quickly because I can't stand being in limbo. Sometimes we're going to make mistakes, but that's how we learn. Lots of luck with this!

Marishka

4/18/10 1:30am

Hi Judy,

thank you for your feedback....As I write, a loud engine of some car drives up the driveway six feet from my living room where I am sitting...I think I have no choice but to accept some help to get out of here asap...now, the door slams on the car...next, a car engine blasts up the street....it really is torture for me...all day and all night...

now, I wonder whether to try to rent a quieter apartment or try to take his help to purchase a townhome...I think I should look at both and just pick the first really quiet option there is...what do you think?

My God, I feel like I cannot take another minute of this...and then I do and I do ...and my body is in utter pain...I ask God why???? really I don't know...

but thank you for your advice and support...I will look and take the first quiet thing I find.. it sounds like you have some rural area near you? if I remember right...cows next door? sounds wonderful...:) please pray for me that I find something quiet and then eventually near some cows and goats!..:) ( I think you pray if I am not mistaken?...)

hope you are having a good weekend...

Marishka

Judy

4/18/10 1:50pm

I will pray for you Marishka, that you can find a quieter place to live. I don't exactly live in a rural area, but it's a suburb that was rural at one time. The farmer sold off most of his land and we're lucky enough to have our property on the very edge of his cow pasture, which is all he has left. We get entertained every day by the cows coming out to graze. They often come up to our fence to see our dogs.

Just do what you feel is the best thing for you, regarding renting or letting your father buy you a townhouse. I don't know what kind of strings would be attached, only you can decide if they're worth it. I think right now it's important to get to a quiet place ASAP because it's too difficult to even think when you're bombarded with the noise. I'll be interested to hear what you end up doing.

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