Hi all,

I just ate so much chocolate...I have so much fear and rage...so much terror and anxiety...

I have ordered some ativan finally and will pick it up tomorrow...I have decided it is better to take it for now and deal with taking a benzodiazapine later, maybe I can take one a day and leave it at that...I need it right now...

So very much fear and terror....I need to get this out...as much as I would like to forget it happened like everything else...

talked to my mother a few days ago...she is one of the ones of my family who tells me terrifying stuff.... who tells me crazy things...then I ask her why she says a certain thing a minute after she says it and she says she did not say it!  after she just said it two seconds ago!   she sometimes then likes to call me crazy when I  bring it up and tell me I need a psychiatrist...no wonder I feel so terrified...crazy making behavior I guess they call this...

7 years ago...I told her I would like to get my PhD....she said she hated people with their PhDs...I did not pursue it...(she has told me she hates everything about me all my life really....relentlessly critized each thing I did, enjoyed or was....)

two years ago....I told her I wanted to die repeatedly...she sent away for information and gave it to me on an organization that helps terminally ill people die with minimal suffering...she said if I tried to end my life again, she would just let me die.....people find this hard to believe...I do fear that she in some way would like me dead....very scary and bizarre...and I fear the messages she says go into my subconscious...I have to keep them conscious and deal with them...

about the house thing...she said two days ago that I would be bedridden and need someone to care for me so it would be good to have a home...what???!!!!  my God!  what in the hell! terrifying comments....

Then when I told her how I was feeling suicidal, she said I would need to think about creating a will if I had a home to make sure I left the home to someone...what???!!!I told her how cruel this felt...that when was saying I felt so much pain I wanted out of the pain, she was thinking about this??!!!  what??!

I am terrified of my family...they really seem to say things that would put any person in utter terror and paralyzing fear....no wonder decisions are so utterly terrifying  for me...

this is really why I want the home....to finally be able to have a safe place, stable...and rest from decades of trauma like this...

I am so worried about the house thing...what to do...I am so scared of doing the wrong thing since I really cannot tolerate any more trauma...

I have been dissociated lately...coping with the unbearable...

sure would be nice to have a kind, stable husband...

I fear the future...I have such desires for stability, a husband, child, and wonder how in the world I could possibly get there from here or if I ever will...