When I saw my counselor yesterday we talked about my suicidal ideations and my most recent hospitalization. I told her about when I was in the
7th grade and the school administration was making my life difficult because I was having frequent seizures in class. I told her how that was the first time I attempted suicide and that I had never told anyone about it. She asked me what I tried to do. I told her I read my parents' medical books about what happens if you OD on certain meds and as it turned out one of the meds I had been taking for my seizures would put you in a coma. She then told me that treating people who are suicidal is hard for people in her profession because they need to figure out why the person is feeling this way. "Is it an environmental factor, medication, a cry for help, or are they try to manipulate the system." This had me a little worried I started to wonder if she thought that was what I had been doing all this time, manipulating the system. I can tell you right now, I have no interest in spending time in a Psychiatric unit I only do it because I need to. I asked her if that is what she thought and she said that I have a long history of suicide attempts and thoughts so it is always a possibility but for as long as she has known me it doesn't appear as if that is the case. How am I supposed to ask for help if they think I am manipulating the system? This is kind of scary to me. Not to mention frustrating. Since the conversation with her my depression has gotten worse but I don't feel very comfortable calling her and talking to her about it. I don't know what to do. 
