I made it thru my 3^rd group therapy meeting.  The 3^rd group meeting was not an easy one for me.  I find myself relaxing more but, this meetings content made me think back.  I was not comfortable with that.  I struggled.  I guess I am still very weary of the next "sucker punch" that knocks me off guard and send me into a nervous, panicked internal frenzy.

     The meeting started with the normal happy greetings and how are you doing.  Everyone had an opportunity to talk about their week, how they felt or etc. 

     NOTE:  Everyone seems to be more relaxed with each other, including me.  Surprise!  I never, and I repeat, NEVER, tell people how I am feeling or how I am really doing, except here on the site.  I always give the, "I'm doing fine."  "How are you?" statement, acting like I am just chipper!  "Never let um see ya sweat", I always say.  Like the penguins in the cartoon movie Madagascar, "Cute and cuddly boys, cute and cuddly!" 

     I mentioned that my week was the usual work, work, work.  I did not mention that I was feeling very tired, very frustrated with my RA medications and worrying about my recent medication side effects that may cause me to stop my third RA medication due to allergic reactions and start over yet again. 

NOTE:  As a matter of fact, I have not divulged that I have rheumatoid arthritis at all or any other REAL personal things about myself.  Ok, maybe I am not being as OPENED as I thought.  I am however beginning to relax just a little.  Last week I even hugged everyone in the group before we adjourned for the night.  This, was HUGE for me!  I was raised without any hugging.  I now have a big personal space.

     This meeting consisted of SHARING.  The therapist asked us to remember things and then explain them to the group.  Remember when:   you had the most fun, when you really truly enjoyed being with a group of people, when you felt the most relaxed and at ease with yourself, when you felt that you were in the least control in a situation/ the most vulnerable and if you had the opportunity, how you would have handled that situation now, in your present state, knowing what you know and feeling how you feel now.  Time was allowed for us to simply relax, close our eyes and remember.  After each remember when, each person in the group explained their specifics to the group.

     I really struggled with 3 of 4 of these remember when's.  I had to really think about when I had the most fun, when I enjoyed being in a group of people and when I felt the most vulnerable.  I actually began to panic until I got myself under control and made myself think.

     NOTE:  I have come to realize that I DON'T THINK!  I don't mean the act of thinking before speaking, doing things and etc.  I mean me really stopping and thinking about ME, about what my real feelings are.  I don't do it.  I ignore my feelings.  I don't want to feel.  I do things to distract myself from thinking and feeling.  I'm not sure why I do this.  I have done this for years and years.  My therapist asks me what I am afraid of, what I am hiding.  I've really been rolling these questions around in my head, when I make myself.  I don't know if I really don't know, if I don't want to know or if I know and just don't want to face it or have buried it for so long, that I'm having trouble digging it up out of the depths of my brain.  I'm not sure.