Am I becoming my mother?

     Thank you so much for the comment.  It helps to have someone comment that has an idea what I'm talking about.  I definately understand where you are coming from on the working and then not being able to do anything else.  It does help to have someone else there with you.  It kind of keeps you a bit more motivated to do a little bit any way.  Do you seek medical help, (medications, therapy, etc.)?  I wish that I could get my mother to help me to help her.  I will not give up!

     Again,...Thank You Very Much!  Just your comment alone has made me feel much better.  You are an Angel!

     Thanks so much for commenting!!!  Sounds like you have had similar issues!  So you can understand my frustration, exhaustion, feeling of helplessness, my GUILT and etc., etc., etc.

     Did you have help with your mother?  Did someone like social services provide any assistance?  (Judy has posted a comment about maybe calling Social Services for some help.)  I could use all the help I can get!!!  Did you convince your mother to go to a group home?  Did this cause you a lot of added depression and anxiety???  I'm having a terrible time with this.

     My brothers are of no help.  They really won't even acknowledge the fact that she has mental heath/depression issues.  They are of the opinion that she could fix things if she really wanted to!  They think that she is just being LAZY!  They say she is just Stubborn!  They really don't understand at all!!! 

     I do not agree.  I think that she is overwelmed with everything.  I think her plate is over full with just "acting like all is well" at work.  I think she lives in such a "Dark Place" in her mind, that the condition of herself, her dogs, her house and etc. is just overwelming to her and she can't handle it.  She knows that it is wrong, but she can't fix it!!!  Most of the time when I talk to her about doing anything, she gets angry and just plain ole refuses!  She thinks people are talking bad of her and judging her all the time.  Sometimes when I feel she is in a half way decent mood, I can convince her to allow me or  the cleaning lady, that I hired, to do a few things.  She does not like change.  She does not even want the cleaning lady there when she is there.  She says it makes her feel "funny" or "stupid".  So,...I talked her into giving the cleaning lady a key to her house (its a miracle I got her to do that!) and the cleaning lady comes to clean when my mother is at work.  I've just recently talked to the cleaning lady (who is a saint, by the way, for taking on my mothers house in the condition that it is),about taking the dogs to the groomer.  Now if I can just talk my mother into being ok with her doing this.  I can't pressure her very much or she just stops cooperating at all and brings up the 8ft thick stainless steel walls!!!  I don't want to risk her doing that and going back to living like she was living.

     She will not allow help from neighbors, her sisters or anyone else.  She doesn't want anyone to know, even about the cleaning lady! 

     I would not wish this on anyone!  Sometimes I wish I could have just had a "normal mother".  I'm so sorry that you had to go thru this yourself too. 

     Thank you for commenting!  I wish someone from Home Health Care would drop by and see my mother.  You've given me a really, really great idea about the Social Services people though!  Maybe I can call and see if someone could go by and speak with her.  She may be more apt to listen to them than to me.  (If she will answer the door, that is!!!)  My mother has company insurance to suppliment her medicare.  Maybe a Social Service person can convince her to get some assistance with her medical issues (she's also diabetic and will not check her blood or eat well, her eyes water continuously), and maybe even get more help with her house!  I'm dreaming now aren't I??????

     Currently I call and talk to the housekeeper that I hired, (she is such a nice lady to be ok with coming into my mothers house and cleaning once a week with the state that it is in).  She cleans the kitchen, bathroom and vacuums.  She tried to talk my mother into "extra projects" of cleaning out other rooms, closets, taking the dogs to the groomer, etc. at my request.  The woman is a saint!  But, my mother is not very good with change.  She has the cleaning lady come when she is at work, so she will not be bothered with her.  She says that she feels funny being home and having a cleaning lady there!  I'm surprised that I got my mother to give the lady a key to her house!  Half the time my mother is really happy with the cleaning lady's work.  She will even say how nice it is to come home from work and the dishes will be washed, laundry done and the house will smell nice and clean.  But,...the other half of the time she is extremely critical and says things like she really doesn't need a cleaning lady, its an extravagent thing, or that she can't really afford it, (which she can!!!).

     I am going to call Social Services and see if they can help!!!  Thank you for the wonderful idea!!!  You are the best! 

Rena, good luck, I hope that works out. I think she might really qualify as a "vulnerable adult" and thus be eligible for assistance from her county. You are so kind to help her out like that, making sure her house gets cleaned and the cleaning lady sounds like a saint, for sure. You are a good example, too, of how people can help their parents in situations like this, where you don't live with them but worry about their welfare. You mentioned that her eye(s) water a lot and she has diabetes. My dad has Type II diabetes and one of his eyes was watering constantly. He finally saw an eye doctor who said that he had too much extra skin on his lower lid and it was making his eyelashes rub against his cornea, so they removed the extra skin and I think it's much better. Don't know if that could be a possibility, but I had never heard of that before, so thought I'd mention it. Keep us posted on how things are going - I hope they will soon be a lot better.

     I'm going to speak to social services about the "vulnerable adult" programs.  She would fit into that category, I think.  I will also check on the eye issue too.

Thanks again for the information and the time you have spent to do this.  The most special gift of all is time! 

     My mother has always been like this but,...she is really getting worse with age.  Also, my mother had to be the responsible one in our household growing up, as my father was a severe alcoholic.  Later on, when all of us kids grew up and moved out, my mother divorced my father (with much support and help from me).  When she began living alone, she began to get worse and worse.  I think that her being alone so much and her disappointment with her life as made her worse.  Her world if very dark.

     I try to get her to take quilting classes, etc. or to go out with her sisters or friends, but she simply says that she likes to stay at home and she likes to be alone, which I know is simply not true.

     Thank you for your comment.  It makes me feel better!

I think I can sort of relate.  Once my kids got older and I got out of bad relationships, I wasn't really sure who I was anymore.  She was probley so busy being a mom and wife, that she has just forgotten the joys she once felt in life???  I don't know just a thought and something I've been dealing with.  If she can just find that one little spark to get her going agian.  Sounds like she really needs to talk with a proffesional and get some meds to help her regain control of her life.

Thank goodness you love her enough to be concerned.  I know its hard, espesually when you are dealing with your own "life issues", but not soing anything at all would make you feel worse.  Just keep trying....good luck.

     Thanks for the comment.  My mother does not seem to mind if "life passes her by" at all.  She says that she just would rather stay home and that she likes to stay home.  When I call her after work or on weekends, she is almost always sleeping.  She denies this of course.  I'll try to let her make her own decisions.  It's really hard tho.   Thanks again!