Am I becoming my mother?

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Wed, September 02, 2009

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I've been taking Cymbalta for 3 years now, and I battle with depression everyday. Maybe I've been misdiagnosed? Maybe its Bipolar? Maybe the meds are not working or maybe they are working and I just don't realize it? There are so many days that I just want to stay at home and be a "Hermit". I make myself get up, get dressed and go to work and function like a "normal human being", but it is exhausting to me, to act like everything is fine. I'm tired and I'm afraid that I will end up being like my mother.

My mother battles with severe depression but won't admit it. She goes to work (as an office manager), but as soon as work is over, she goes home and she stays there! I call this her, "Hermitting Up". She won't go anywhere. She declines any invitation to do anything. Every time I call her, and I'm a good daughter and call often, she says that she is "cleaning her house". But,...the last few times I visited (I live several states away), her house was a disaster! She had not vacuumed in months. She has 2 little dogs (really sweet and cute ones) that she just lets go! She does not bath them or do there nails. One of them is a Pom. and his nails were so long, he could barely walk and his hair was a matted mess. She must go home and sleep all the time, because the dogs have gone potty all over the carpets. Its not like the poor little guys are not trying, because they are going to both the doors to go to the bathroom, they just can't get out. I've tried to talk her into getting a doggie door, or doing anything with her house for that matter, and she makes very excuse in the world to not do it. I think that she just does not want to be bothered with having someone there.

My mothers house is infested with mice. There were mouse dropping everywhere! All over the kitchen counters, the dining room table, the floors. I've spoken to her about the diseases that mice can carry. I've told her that she could die from this. She just blows me off. The frig. was unbelievable. Etc., Etc., Etc..

I simply sobbed and sobbed when I found my mother living in this state. She was not there to see me, of course. As far as she knows, I am up beat and great. I spent 3 weeks, (had to take additional time off work), cleaning her house. It is much better now, but still needs work. I have hired a house keeper and a guy to mow and trim her lawn. This is helping a lot. I've tried to talk her into coming and living with me but she won't. I remind her to take the dogs to the groomer and even send $ for this, but I don't know if she is taking them or not. She says that she is, but I've called her groomer and she has not. I try to take care of everything for her because she seems to be uncapable of taking care of anything herself.

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JacyS

9/ 2/09 3:26pm

Rena,

I understand how you worry about becoming your mother. I feel like her, going to work, coming home, and not doing anything. I have a husband, so I manage to minimally keep things up, although I can't find time to do anything else. I am hoping that my depression will remit enough to let me take charge of things. I don't think you'll be as bad off as your mother, though, because you're aware of her situation and trying to deal with depression instead of denying it. Just keep hanging in there; you're doing the right thing by looking out for her, but you can't resolve her issues if she doesn't admit she has a problem.

Rena

9/ 2/09 11:52pm

Thank you so much for the comment. It helps to have someone comment that has an idea what I'm talking about. I definately understand where you are coming from on the working and then not being able to do anything else. It does help to have someone else there with you. It kind of keeps you a bit more motivated to do a little bit any way. Do you seek medical help, (medications, therapy, etc.)? I wish that I could get my mother to help me to help her. I will not give up!

Again,...Thank You Very Much! Just your comment alone has made me feel much better. You are an Angel!

Merely Me

9/ 3/09 3:19pm

Hi Rena

This is so much for you to worry about! So...aside from your brothers are there any other family members who can help your mom or...persuade her to change some things?

I can actually relate to your story sadly...I lived with my mother for half of my life...my mom has schizophrenia and...doesn't sound as high functioning as your mom...but definitely house cleaning was not her thing. It became an impossible situation and for my mom...she is now living in a group home as she could not take care of herself.

It is really hard because I know you are feeling so frustrated...I have been there. But there really is only so much you can do...you can't live your life for your mom. It is really amazing that she is able to do well at her job...I imagine that the job must exhaust her and by the time she comes home...maybe there is not much energy left.

Is there anyone in the neighborhood who could come over and help her to walk the dogs?

I don't have any easy answers for you...but know that you are a good daughter...you are trying the very best that you can. I don't know what else to offer except maybe enlist the help of a mental help professional or a case manager if you fear for your mom's well being.

I am sorry you are going through this. Please do continue to share as you feel comfortable doing.

Rena

9/ 4/09 1:12pm

Thanks so much for commenting!!! Sounds like you have had similar issues! So you can understand my frustration, exhaustion, feeling of helplessness, my GUILT and etc., etc., etc.

Did you have help with your mother? Did someone like social services provide any assistance? (Judy has posted a comment about maybe calling Social Services for some help.) I could use all the help I can get!!! Did you convince your mother to go to a group home? Did this cause you a lot of added depression and anxiety??? I'm having a terrible time with this.

My brothers are of no help. They really won't even acknowledge the fact that she has mental heath/depression issues. They are of the opinion that she could fix things if she really wanted to! They think that she is just being LAZY! They say she is just Stubborn! They really don't understand at all!!!

I do not agree. I think that she is overwelmed with everything. I think her plate is over full with just "acting like all is well" at work. I think she lives in such a "Dark Place" in her mind, that the condition of herself, her dogs, her house and etc. is just overwelming to her and she can't handle it. She knows that it is wrong, but she can't fix it!!! Most of the time when I talk to her about doing anything, she gets angry and just plain ole refuses! She thinks people are talking bad of her and judging her all the time. Sometimes when I feel she is in a half way decent mood, I can convince her to allow me or the cleaning lady, that I hired, to do a few things. She does not like change. She does not even want the cleaning lady there when she is there. She says it makes her feel "funny" or "stupid". So,...I talked her into giving the cleaning lady a key to her house (its a miracle I got her to do that!) and the cleaning lady comes to clean when my mother is at work. I've just recently talked to the cleaning lady (who is a saint, by the way, for taking on my mothers house in the condition that it is),about taking the dogs to the groomer. Now if I can just talk my mother into being ok with her doing this. I can't pressure her very much or she just stops cooperating at all and brings up the 8ft thick stainless steel walls!!! I don't want to risk her doing that and going back to living like she was living.

She will not allow help from neighbors, her sisters or anyone else. She doesn't want anyone to know, even about the cleaning lady!

I would not wish this on anyone! Sometimes I wish I could have just had a "normal mother". I'm so sorry that you had to go thru this yourself too.

Judy

9/ 3/09 6:31pm

Hi, Rena. Boy, you have your hands full, don't you? You are much kinder to your mother than I'd probably be to mine, you probably kept her house from being cited by whoever monitors home health and safety. I think it's great what you've done to help her, but you can only do so much. If you really fear for her well-being, maybe you could get someone from social services to pay her a visit. Or maybe you could talk her into talking to a doctor.

Don't worry too much about becoming her - we all have that fear and we end up finding a little of our parents in us no matter what we do! Please let us know how things are going.

Rena

9/ 4/09 12:43pm

Thank you for commenting! I wish someone from Home Health Care would drop by and see my mother. You've given me a really, really great idea about the Social Services people though! Maybe I can call and see if someone could go by and speak with her. She may be more apt to listen to them than to me. (If she will answer the door, that is!!!) My mother has company insurance to suppliment her medicare. Maybe a Social Service person can convince her to get some assistance with her medical issues (she's also diabetic and will not check her blood or eat well, her eyes water continuously), and maybe even get more help with her house! I'm dreaming now aren't I??????

Currently I call and talk to the housekeeper that I hired, (she is such a nice lady to be ok with coming into my mothers house and cleaning once a week with the state that it is in). She cleans the kitchen, bathroom and vacuums. She tried to talk my mother into "extra projects" of cleaning out other rooms, closets, taking the dogs to the groomer, etc. at my request. The woman is a saint! But, my mother is not very good with change. She has the cleaning lady come when she is at work, so she will not be bothered with her. She says that she feels funny being home and having a cleaning lady there! I'm surprised that I got my mother to give the lady a key to her house! Half the time my mother is really happy with the cleaning lady's work. She will even say how nice it is to come home from work and the dishes will be washed, laundry done and the house will smell nice and clean. But,...the other half of the time she is extremely critical and says things like she really doesn't need a cleaning lady, its an extravagent thing, or that she can't really afford it, (which she can!!!).

I am going to call Social Services and see if they can help!!! Thank you for the wonderful idea!!! You are the best!

Judy

9/ 4/09 6:57pm

Rena, good luck, I hope that works out. I think she might really qualify as a "vulnerable adult" and thus be eligible for assistance from her county. You are so kind to help her out like that, making sure her house gets cleaned and the cleaning lady sounds like a saint, for sure. You are a good example, too, of how people can help their parents in situations like this, where you don't live with them but worry about their welfare. You mentioned that her eye(s) water a lot and she has diabetes. My dad has Type II diabetes and one of his eyes was watering constantly. He finally saw an eye doctor who said that he had too much extra skin on his lower lid and it was making his eyelashes rub against his cornea, so they removed the extra skin and I think it's much better. Don't know if that could be a possibility, but I had never heard of that before, so thought I'd mention it. Keep us posted on how things are going - I hope they will soon be a lot better.

Rena

9/ 5/09 10:49am

I'm going to speak to social services about the "vulnerable adult" programs. She would fit into that category, I think. I will also check on the eye issue too.

Thanks again for the information and the time you have spent to do this. The most special gift of all is time!

moonflowers

9/26/09 8:57am

Hi Rena,

Has your mother always been in this state, or reciently? Your story made me take a look see at some of the issues I am dealing with. Has your mom had to be to responsible one and run the household, or has this always been the situation?

You are doing a great job and by you doing all that you are, you will never have that guilt on your head. Sometimes are rolls get reversed with our parents. They turn into rebelouse teens that you have to constantly worry and fuss over....lol. Just keep trying and remember that you can only do your best.

Rena

9/29/09 7:26am

My mother has always been like this but,...she is really getting worse with age. Also, my mother had to be the responsible one in our household growing up, as my father was a severe alcoholic. Later on, when all of us kids grew up and moved out, my mother divorced my father (with much support and help from me). When she began living alone, she began to get worse and worse. I think that her being alone so much and her disappointment with her life as made her worse. Her world if very dark.

I try to get her to take quilting classes, etc. or to go out with her sisters or friends, but she simply says that she likes to stay at home and she likes to be alone, which I know is simply not true.

Thank you for your comment. It makes me feel better!

moonflowers

9/29/09 8:45am

I think I can sort of relate. Once my kids got older and I got out of bad relationships, I wasn't really sure who I was anymore. She was probley so busy being a mom and wife, that she has just forgotten the joys she once felt in life??? I don't know just a thought and something I've been dealing with. If she can just find that one little spark to get her going agian. Sounds like she really needs to talk with a proffesional and get some meds to help her regain control of her life.

Thank goodness you love her enough to be concerned. I know its hard, espesually when you are dealing with your own "life issues", but not soing anything at all would make you feel worse. Just keep trying....good luck.

Ianto

10/15/09 2:07am

Hi Rena

I understand your concern for your mother & I & my sister have had similar worries about my mother since my Dad died a few years ago. I think perhaps that she didn't realise just how much she relied on him for a large part of her functioning & she doesn't seem to be able to cope with life very easily although things are now improving.

I would say though that we can offer advice to someone close to us but we can't force them to do anything or to change, only they can do that if and when they want to.

We can't force our values & ideals about things such as cleanliness in the home onto someone else. Your mother is only 67 - that is still comparatively young nowadays & as you say she is still working it sounds like she is still capable of making decisions regarding her lifestyle.

I don't mean my comments to sound critical as I can see you are worried about her & have done a lot to help her but personally I found that when you 'let go' a bit my mother seemed to come round to a realisation that life was passing her by & she wasn't doing a lot with with her time (she doesn't work) & she now seems a lot more active at home & socially.

All the Best

Ianto

Rena

10/15/09 6:10am

Thanks for the comment. My mother does not seem to mind if "life passes her by" at all. She says that she just would rather stay home and that she likes to stay home. When I call her after work or on weekends, she is almost always sleeping. She denies this of course. I'll try to let her make her own decisions. It's really hard tho. Thanks again!

Am I becoming my mother?

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