It's Hard

By biker2pint Sunday, February 10, 2008

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My name is Tammy and I am living with depression. I have been struggling with depression for many years now and sometimes it feels like it will never get better. To everyone on the outside looking in, I should be happy because I have a wonderful husband and a precious baby boy who I love more than life itself. To everyone that knows me well, they know that I am not happy. The emotional pain is almost unbearable and that's when I want to give up but I just think of my son and I am able to pull myself back. If it were not for him I don't think i would be here today. Besides the emotional pain there is also fatigue, nausea, and many other symptoms that make life very hard to deal with. Sometimes I am so tired that I have hallucinations, headaches, and the shakes. I would love to find a support group in hopes that it will make it easier to deal with this horrible disease. Thank you to everyone for the support.

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mandy

2/10/08 3:15pm

Hi: it is your little boy that you have to focus life on, I know exactly how you feel, the whole world seems to be detached from me and it's hard just dealing with day to day things. I have had depression for nearly 30 yrs now, been on lots of different med's some have helped some have made things worse. Is your hubby understanding of what you are going through, do you have a shrink

Mandy

biker2pint

2/11/08 3:18am

Hi Mandy,

Thank you for the response. It is nice to have support. My husband supports me the best he can but it is hard for him to understand it because he has never struggled with it. He can tell though that it is really hard on me and he feels helpless sometimes because there is nothing he can do to make it go away. I don't have a shrink, I just talk to my husband. He is a good listener and he tries to understand. I totally know where you're coming from with the medication problems. The last time I went into the mental ward of the hospital, the drug they put me on just made me worse. I finally found one that works for me but even with the medication I still have days where it feels like they are not doing anything to help me. Will the struggle never end?

mandy

2/11/08 9:48am

Hi: I'm glad you wrote back. I think you are so lucky that you have a supportive hubby, that makes a big difference, even though he may not know what your going through at least he is there for you. My hubby is a control freak and says I have nothing to be depressed about and that I should "smarten up" My house is my prison "without bars". I feel so detached from the world and right now if I did not have this site to share some thoughts with I think I would go mad. If you don't mind me asking you were you depressed before your baby was born and when you were in the mental ward did you receive any support from the counsellor's.

Yes, I am sure there will be an end to the struggle that all of us are dealing with, wish I could say it would be right now!! Let's keep in touch. I live in Canada and we have yet another snow storm on it's way ...just something else to make me feel worse today. Sending you a hug.. p.s. why were you up at 3 in the morning??

Mandy

a work in progress

2/11/08 12:18pm

Tammy,

Your focus on your child is a good thing. Recognizing the beauty in the creation that your son is and the gift of life you have been blessed with is an awesome and positive thing. When I get depressed sometimes I volunteer for nursery duty at church just so I can hold them and feel the awe of something so wonderfully created. To me babies are like an unwritten on slate. A human being in their purest form without "sin". They rejuevenate my soul and renew my spirit with hope simply by their innocence.

Don't worry about what other people of what you have or don't have. Only you know the total sum of your life experiences. The addition of your new son can be the one thing that keeps you hanging in there. It doesn't matter what the reason is, just find one.

Talk to your doctor about medications and/or therapy. Confide in a trusted friend -- maybe your husband. Remember that you have love to give and you have been blessed to be loved, if only for a moment. We all need to find strength in knowing that we are lovable and capable human beings with purpose and meaning.

Here's an exercise I find helpful when I feel myself sinking....

I write down 5 things that went good that day, anything from

When I dropped the jug of milk the cap popped off, the jug didn't break; I got all the green lights on the way to the bank.

Maybe it's that someone called me in the middle of the day to say -- thinking of you or to communicate something. Regardless they called and thought enough of me to be considerate and communicate with me.

When you can't think of anything to be grateful for ....get busy...clean out that junk drawer in the kitchen or your car that's accumulating unnecessary stuff. Sing a song to that baby, find some whimsey for just a moment.

Taking an inventory of the good stuff is hard when you're stuck in the negativity of depression. Retraining my thoughts is a challenge, but boy it helps.

Anyways, at the end of 2 weeks look back at your list. You will recognize things in life that you value, things that make you smile and/or you find precious enough to treasure. Once you have identified what you value, you have now found some antidotes to reroute your depressive thoughts.

Other things I've done is write a Gratitude list:

Start with A and go to Z, A=abilities, B=Baby Boy, C=Caring Friends and so on.

Just like we need to exercise our bodies to stay in shape exercising our mind is important too. The goal: replace negative with positive.

Marie

2/11/08 1:08pm

Hi Tammy, My name is Marie. I've suffered from Depression now for about 25 years. Like you, I have a good life. I've never found a drug that works, at least not for long. It's very discouraging. I just came back from a psychiatrist appt. and he gave me a new drug, "Seroquel", in addition to the Manerix I now take. I am so tired of being sick and tired. I don't relate when people say, "Life is a gift". I don't get it. To me life is something to be endured only. As you, I have a child I adore and she's the only thing that keeps me going. If not for her, I would not be here on this earth either. I eat pretty good, exercise, read all the positive material I can get my hands on, pray, and anything else I think that will help. But nothing seems to. I have no motivation, enthusiasm or hope. That's the hardest one, lack of hope. It seems life is a waste of time...........I want to feel "lucky to be alive", to view life as a "gift", be upbeat and positive. I want these things sooooooooo bad. I want hope!

mellonkelly

8/ 7/08 1:56pm

i know that this post is old, but i thought i would reply to it, hopefully youve found some relief i noticed it becasue of the closeness of your location to me, i totally understand how you feel. my husband wasnt as supportive as yours, and we ended my depression was a part of it. but find joy in your son, and try therapy because it does help to have an outsider help you, especially considering how helpless your husband feels at times. that was a hard one in my marriage. i hope that you have found some way to get through some of the pain, and keep in touch if you want someone close to talk to.

every day is a struggle and its hard when no one around you understands.

Kelly

It's Hard

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