Recently I had been makimng what I thought were positive steps in new Social progress, I had brain Tumor Surgery in addittion to dealing with depression so I dont know what part that plays, but recently I thought I was ,making new goals, meeting new people maybe making progress toward dating again I have been divorced for 4 years and I have not dated at all. So I decided I was going to focus on different goals like buying a home, I had owned a home before when I was married, So I talked it over with my case ,manager and I realized that I was not going to be able to do this while I am single I dont have the income required to maintain a home even with my Back pay that I am waiting on 30K thousand I would not be able to have enough to live each month, I was very disapointed to realize this I always like to think that I am able to figure outb things, I had considered working part time I am on Social Security Disability Income and I was told I would not be able to work again, I have trieed to Volunteer and I was not able to even keep a part time schedule say 20 hrs so working is not a option right now, I quess I will have to accept that I am not able to do everything I want alone and maybe God will bless me with someone who wants to own a home I am more than willing to share my income and part of my savings Back Pay when I do recive it, To get there, So now I am kind of stuck because of a accident I dont have my car right now I am not able to do the things I was doing to futher my social life I was visting a local church here and I went to a social fuction I was glad I was able to make this progress, Right now all I do is sit at home I went to see my case manager yesterday and I went to a NA meeting I was very hot so In steped outside to cool off, a lady came out and started talking to me about what she was going through and I listened and I was able to stay quite and just be there, I told her that if she feels safe at her Dads home She had to leave the place she was sharing with her boyfriend so I jsut told her to go where she is safe, I did not try to getb her number I only wanted to be there to listen and she told me that ahe would let me know how things turn out, So I guess my Higher Power that I call God had a reason for me to be there yesterday I was glad I could help someone else I miss beoing able to help someone and listen I guess I need that contact woith someone, I have not even thought about dating latley I have just been trying to get through the day and hope my car will be finished soon I am trying to save money on the repairs I gave the insurance check to the repair place and they are trying to work with me, I dont have any savings at this time, So I didnt have the 1000.0 dollar deductable so I am hoping they can find the [paarts I have a 1999 Infiniti so the parts are not that easy to find, I am paying off a loan of 445 .00 this month so I dont have any extra money for anything I have 100.00 dollars to last me the rest of the month I have not been to the grocery store I am trying to eat lunches at the VA group I go to I went yesterday but not today So I have not been there this week much I have been skiping meals and not eating breakfast, lunch, sometimes I will eat a sandwich, but I had ordered a pizza tuesday I am trying to make that last until today Thursaday I dont know what I am going to do for the next 2 weeks, Maybe I cvan going tomorrow to the VA Group and eat lunch sometimes they have lunches left over and I can get those and take them home I am just tryong to get this Loan paid off I hate owing money I had to borrow 150.00 dollars this month Monday I put 100 imn the bank and 50 in my pocket, I also [paid my one last bill for 45.00 dollars so I did get all my bills paid. I am going to owe 170.00 dollars on the 3rd of Dec and then I will be out of the Loan. I am never going to borrow any money from them. I have let my cell phone go I have not tried to keep it at this point I dont have anyone to call anyway,and when I get my back pay I will be able to pay the bill in full maybe they will opem the account up but they said that they are canceling ,my account, It is just a list of losses latley, Like no best friend, No other close female friends no dating, No one at all I was married for 14 years and I ahve not adjusted to single life at all I dont drink or do drugs so I dont go to clubs or bars there fore it is difficult for me to meet anyone, I have tried to meet women on myspace with different results none of them have been good so far I have not meet anyone to date on their but I jhave made friends, I need friends that I can see and talk to in person not just on a computer, Its not enough and OI am getting tried of trying to get the persons on their to meet in person it seems like a challange I dont want any more I justb want to meeet some one face to face and date for a while and see what happens maybe just be friends and see where it goes but in the past thats were it went was friends only so I am going to make it clear that I am intersted in dating not just hanging out or a place to stay on my couch when they have a fight with thier bouyfriends I wish I still had my best friend around I miss her so much I had fun while we were roommates and hanging out taking photos of each other we had so much fun I miss that so much Christmas is comming and I dont know if I am going to even put up my tree I wonder if I would be more depressed if I had it up here alone, I am planing to go to my parents for christmas but I have to get a legal matter of a pronbation cleared up befpre I can go there I had a Warrent for not reporting and I was living oin Florida So they droped the warrent so I could recive my Disability paynments I was getting SSI but I am paying that off now at 100.oo dollars a month out of my Disability check. The warrent was droped on the condition that I npot go to the County that they live in or thier residence this was 4 years ago when the isident happened I have not been there for 4 years I did see my parents at my Disability hearing that was ok,and that has been 2 years now so as yiu can see if I do notbget these changes made I will not be able to go there this christmas. My dad is willing to call and have this order droped he did try to call there I was going to call yesterday but the phones at the VA were not working dialing long distance so I could not get the call made. My dad is over 80 years old and he cant get to the proper person on the phone I gave him the case number and the Judge My Case Manager talked to him and gave him the district attorneys phone niumber I have tried to calm from my phione at hiome but they keep putting me on hold and its long Distance so I gave up on that idea. I am going to try and go in there tomorrow and call up there and find out where my Dad needs to call I think it ios awful that they get between a son and his only family. I dont have anyone here at all and I feel very alone now. I didnt have any kids my ex wife could not have kids so I dont have any contact with her due to abuse of me and her father. That means I dont have family, Girlfriends, Close female friends any more and basicly noone.That is why is was so important to me to be able to establish new relationships dating and new female froiendships, I was doing very well my case manager told me before my accident, I dont lkniow what to do now, she asked ,me if I coulkd call one of my ladies that I talk to and getbthem to take me somewhere I have not called one of them becasue of the age difference I am afraid of what people would say I guess and the samne reason I have not been with or meet the other lady in person who was telling me she was busy with all her other male and female friends, Now that they are worki9ng 2 jobs her froends dont have time to hamng out so she has more time, I dont like to feel like I am a second choice, I hope I have more self esteam than that Most of the Women I meet in recovery are 25 and older I have not meet anyone close to my age I was visting the church hoping to meet someone there I have not been able to attend so my case ,manager asked me if I could ask one of them to take me I have but she was not intersted and so I have not been to church, the wreck was Oct 21st and I have not been anywhere after that other than the grocery store or the VA group which is all guys, I did nothing but hang around the Guys my first year of recovery I was told not to get in anyb Romantic relationships I hjave not the troble is it has been 4 years after my seperation and I am not dating I hope when I get my car back I will be able to continue my social growth both as havung new friends and establishing a male and female relationship.
Frank Duffey
