Sadness Over Rules Celebration...

It's the 4th of July and 5PM I have already gone through too many emotions to count.  I cannot count them, but I can tell you they are not good.  I feel so alone while everybody else is enjoying the day with family and friends.  It doesn't help that my immediate family  doesn't even celebrate the holiday's like we used to when I was a kid.  So stugglingg much is going on in each of there lives.  I wish I could not only make it all better for them but I just add to the sinking boat.  So even if I didn't suffer from depression/anxiety the lack of celebration would still not be present and sadness would still hover.  I hate having all these negative feelings and thoughts.  How could something so cruel exist constantly crushing your spirits leaving one to feel as hopeless as I do?  I was starting to feel a little better for awhile there after plummeting into unexplainable darkness.  I fear that I am returning because I recognize the signs.  Yes, I do see a therapist once a week and a psychiatrist for medication management for about 10mins. every 3mos.  I've been trying to avoid telling the psych about my sudden turn for the worse.  I guess I just don't want to have to take another med or have to change to something else.  Trial and error sucks! I've been there, seen it, done it, got a t-shirt.  Only to have so many issues going on with my body with to many similarities to tell if it's side effects from a med.  I can barely get my thoughts together in the same brain at once.  Truth of the matter is I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling all the time.  I have to rely on everyone elses descriptions and feelings here because I lack the words or know how to convey it.   I live in shame and feelings of what good am I and I can't do anything right or worthwhile.  I've had these feelings somewhat throughout my life, but somewhere somewhat turned into everyday.  I can be feeling just fine then all of a sudden I feel doomed, moody and scared- just to name a few emotions.   It's all so difficult and exhausting I just can't believe this my life and I hate it.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone ever.  I guess that 's why I tend to take offense to people casually joking or on a bad day saying they're depressed or bi-polar.  They can't begin to know the torture we go through.  When people take these illness types for granted it lends to others saying "Oh just snap out of it".  If only it were that easy... I'd compose an instrumental song with just snapping to help out all that are suffering.  I sure would keep it on continous play.  I know this post is not making any sense... I just didn't know what else to do so I pushed myself to do this today.  Well I have to get myself ready now.  I promised  my younger nieces that auntie would go see the fireworks with them tonight.  I know it's still early, but it takes some getting ready emotionally so that I don't bring anyone else down.  I take advantage of the times where I can do a little something because too many times I cant.  That hurts me even more.