It's the 4th of July and 5PM I have already gone through too many emotions to count. I cannot count them, but I can tell you they are not good. I feel so alone while everybody else is enjoying the day with family and friends. It doesn't help that my immediate family doesn't even celebrate the holiday's like we used to when I was a kid. So stugglingg much is going on in each of there lives. I wish I could not only make it all better for them but I just add to the sinking boat. So even if I didn't suffer from depression/anxiety the lack of celebration would still not be present and sadness would still hover. I hate having all these negative feelings and thoughts. How could something so cruel exist constantly crushing your spirits leaving one to feel as hopeless as I do? I was starting to feel a little better for awhile there after plummeting into unexplainable darkness. I fear that I am returning because I recognize the signs. Yes, I do see a therapist once a week and a psychiatrist for medication management for about 10mins. every 3mos. I've been trying to avoid telling the psych about my sudden turn for the worse. I guess I just don't want to have to take another med or have to change to something else. Trial and error sucks! I've been there, seen it, done it, got a t-shirt. Only to have so many issues going on with my body with to many similarities to tell if it's side effects from a med. I can barely get my thoughts together in the same brain at once. Truth of the matter is I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling all the time. I have to rely on everyone elses descriptions and feelings here because I lack the words or know how to convey it. I live in shame and feelings of what good am I and I can't do anything right or worthwhile. I've had these feelings somewhat throughout my life, but somewhere somewhat turned into everyday. I can be feeling just fine then all of a sudden I feel doomed, moody and scared- just to name a few emotions. It's all so difficult and exhausting I just can't believe this my life and I hate it. I wouldn't wish this on anyone ever. I guess that 's why I tend to take offense to people casually joking or on a bad day saying they're depressed or bi-polar. They can't begin to know the torture we go through. When people take these illness types for granted it lends to others saying "Oh just snap out of it". If only it were that easy... I'd compose an instrumental song with just snapping to help out all that are suffering. I sure would keep it on continous play. I know this post is not making any sense... I just didn't know what else to do so I pushed myself to do this today. Well I have to get myself ready now. I promised my younger nieces that auntie would go see the fireworks with them tonight. I know it's still early, but it takes some getting ready emotionally so that I don't bring anyone else down. I take advantage of the times where I can do a little something because too many times I cant. That hurts me even more.
Sadness Over Rules Celebration...
Sorry to hear you're feeling so terrible at the moment - I want to congratulate you for somehow finding the energy to go out with your nieces to see the fireworks: I know it can be so tough at times! I completely sympathise with your experience, especially people's dumbarse ways of going that they know depression cause they had a bad experience or just a bad day... so don't! The worst thing about depression is that it goes on and on and on and on which makes it so overwhelming - perhaps if it just lasted a day or two then we could weather it but it's forever there screwing us in lots of horrible ways...
I hope that you'll manage to get past this dip sometime soon... till then please keep writing here. No need to apologise we want to hear and it'll do you some good to at least try and get things off your chest. All the best.
LyraStorm,
Let me start by saying that you write so well! Your insight (and others) on your experiences with depression have helped me. I have been able to identify or put into words my own feelings that seemed impossible. Depression creates so many negative illusions making it that much harder to make sense of things. You are right when you say the worst thing about depression is that it's ongoing. Oh man, is it overwhelming! Hey there's a thought about it lasting only a day or two. That would certainly take away from the all of a sudden out of no where factor. So, thank you for your kind welcoming words. I truly appreciate any responses to my feelings after thinking I'm alone for so long. All the best to you!
Well, Sunshine, I have gone through the same feelings. My DH and I did not pursue any firework watching. We have a married son down the street from us and have 2 grandchildren & a daughter in law. I don't know if they ignored us or just didn't do anything themselves or with some friends. I do know that their A/C broked down due to a mistake by my son. But not critical as they have a/c in some of the windows. So maybe their priority just recovering from exhaustion.
MY DD28, DS23, DS18, probably spent the 4th of July together with their girlfriends and DD boyfriend. They live close by my other children except for the 18 year old, but he might as well not be living here either. Never see him after he graduated.
But that is alright with us. I spent my time canning cherries and DH spent time resting and doing bookwork. I did not miss a thing. At this time in my life, I'm trying to get my energy back and recover from a bout of depression that was coming, but the injury of my dog and then putting him to sleep, was too much for me. So when I saw my Med Dr, I told him that I wanted to call him several times, but didn't. He asked me questions, and then when we were through, he went to the receptionist and told her I needed to see the Psychologist ASAP.
So that helped in imensely, so call your Dr, I go through the same thing as you with changing meds, and I stopped taking a beginning cycle of HRT. Mixed with some type of cold or allergy, I could not figure out what was making me sleepy, or weepy. As I stopped taking Cymbalta to go back to Serzone. I am losing weight with it, as I was suspecting Cymbalta was causing my weight gain.
Anyway, I'm glad you went to see the fireworks. If we wanted to we had our neighbors and speedway that shoots them off and we can see them by sitting on the grass of the cemetery my son is buried in. I fee no regrets.
Hi there
It might seem to you...that this all doesn't make sense but it surely does to those of us who have been there. You are right...people who do not suffer from mood disorders cannot truly know the pain and suffering they can cause. And I hear you about holidays...sometimes they seem a slap in the face...all the expectations and gaiety...just feels so wrong. It seems better if it were a rainy no nothing kinda day. But life does march on and holidays too.
You are doing better than you think...you are writing...you are sharing and reaching out...you are honest about your feelings and you are pushing yourself into action. These are all good things.
I do hope you find support here...there are so many good people here who understand. Please keep writing as we are here and listening.
Don't think for a minute that your post didn't make any sense! While I was reading it, I thought I could be reading something I wrote myself; except I knew I had NOT written it. I have suffered from major depression/anxiety disorder for most of my life (I am now 47 years old), have seen numerous pychs & therapists, and taken more antidepressants than I can recall the names of. I was switched to Pristiq back in April after my Doc decided that 2 1/2 years on Lexapro was enough. I also take Topamax as a "mood-stabilizer" and Valium for the anxiety. Weaned off the Valium for awhile, but that was a BIG mistake.
I feel like you were describing so clearly; I feel so alone while everyone is enjoying themselves around me, I have become more & more a prisoner of my own making, chooosing to stay in the sanctuary of my own home away from the world, usually avoiding all phone calls from any & everyone. In the last month I have developed a pattern of sleeping till around 3 in the afternoon most days. Other days, I will get up, do the minimum required of me (a load of laundry here & there, clean the bathroom once in a while, keep my dishes washed in a dishwasher!, vacum every other week, etc.) I have had 5 back surgeries and suffer from chronic pain, so this only compounds the problem, but my brain has almost completely for gotten what its supposed to be doing. It just kinda sits up there and jiggles around when I move suddenly I think.
I did try suicide back in December '07 with ALL INTENTIONS of NOT WAKING UP and was EXTREMELY ANGRY WITH GOD & THE WORLD when I woke up in the intensive care unit with a "security nurse" by my bedside. This only confirmed that I could do nothing right. Not even die. So, now I just try exist the best way I know how, day-by-day, hoping that it will get better. I, like you, have my good days & bad days, but the bad far outweigh the good. Getting ready to go anywhere takes MUCH effort, and frankly courage. It gets harder & harder to "put on a happy face." I'm rambling now, so I'll shut up, thanks for sharing your story, I know I'm not alone in this craziness I feel everyday. We continue to pray that there is HOPE for all of us that suffer.
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First of all why are you apologizing. You owe no one an apology for the way that you feel. You have that right! Holidays are not for everyone, that does not make you a bad person, so stop kicking yourself. That is just the way it is. You should enjoy the day just becasue it is another beautiful day, and we get it off and it is a paid day off, hey what more could we ask more. Look at it that way. Stop worrying about what people think and do you! As long as you are not hurting yourself or anyone else you should be fine. The only thing to remember, you have to be able to live with your decisions. So choose carefully. Stand back take a very long and deep breath evaluate your situation carefully, THINK, then, I am sure you will know what to do!
Good luck, enjoy life sherry/smomdukes
Your words of inspiration were received and much appreciated. Sometimes putting things in perspective and using rational when your feeling so low is of the unknown. I'm glad that while in such a terrible mood, I actually managed to throw caution to the wind and post some of my feelings here. I think it aided in preparing for the outing with some of my family members. I enjoyed watching the fireworks and seeing my nieces smile because there coolest auntie came. Thank you for responding to my post and being so kind.