This is the first time that I have ever posted anything about my depression. I was diagnosed in July 2005 with major depressive disorder (after spending a week in the pysch ward). They originally thought that I had Bipolar, but because I have never had a manic stage in the depression they ruled that out quickly. I was put in the hospital because I would not stop crying for 3 days and had no desire to live, I would not have hurt myself but if I was to say be killed in a car accident did not bother me at all.
I have had many (more than I can count) bouts with depression since 1995. It all started because my mother decided it was a good idea to take me to court for the custody of my son (who is now 17.5). She did not win custody but got access to him EVERY weekend. Well, at the time I also had two daughters (now 16 and 13.5), she did not want them, she just wanted to see them once every two weeks. At the time this was all happening I was going to university, needless to say, I had to quit school cause I could not function.
I will skip all the crap in between then and now.
I think I have finally lost it. Last night I blow up at my kids. 1 was on the computer, another playing guitar hero, and the last one watch them play guitar hero. There was a pile of clothes on the couch that needed to be folded and put away, the Christmas tree had been striped of decorations but still stood in the corner with all the Christmas decorations in huge green bins (5 of them) in front of it, the bathroom laundry baskets (there should only be one, but there were 2) were so full that there were now clothes on the floor, the dishes from last night & from that morning were still on the counter, table and stove. The house looked like a strom blow through.
Now for the past 3 to 4 months, I knew that my depression was getting worse, I went to a Dr. that I had been dealing with for a car accident that I was in on Oct 4, 2007. I told him of my concerns. He did nothing. So I went to a medi clinic and they did nothing. Ever since my family Dr. past away in March 2007, I have been trying to find a new Dr. Finally just before Christmas, I lost it in a Dr.s office. He told me to come back after the new year and we would talk about everything and what to do about it. (He was going away over Christmas and would not be back until Jan 7.
For the past month I have not wanted to be around anyone, not even my family. I will sleep most of the day, I hardly ever eat, but have put on over 20 lbs in the past 2 months. I don't even want to leave the house or get out of bed. On the days that I do go to work, it is so stressful for me. I'm only working 6 hours a day, but it feels like I've just worked a normal 12 hr shift. I am so tired that, I will sleep from the time I get home (usually around 2pm) until noon the next day, and still go to bed at 930pm that night.
Anyway, I had that appointment on Jan 7, I was finally put on Effexor.
Its no wonder you have depression with your mother doing that to you. Anyone's seretonin levels would be depleted with that kind of stress. I look at seretonin as a bank balance. I have to try to keep in the black....if I have too much stress it goes into the red and that doesn't feel very good. It will take time to build up your levels again but you can do it. You must look after yourself and take your medication. If this medication doesn't work you may need to try another...it is not an exact science and some work for some people and others don't.
Just to get things in perspective...being a mum with kids and husband is the most difficult job you can do......it is soooooooo undervalued, no one but other Mum's understand just what's involved. My depression is under control but there are times when I find the whole "mum" thing overwhelming, just so constant, repetitive and draining. Its normal to lose it with inconsiderate kids and spouse....don't beat yourself up over it. If they won't help take the line of least resistance...paper plates, whatever it takes to reduce your stress...and don't get caught up in any idealistic notion that you can be the perfect 1950's housewife in this day and age....there is so much stress on us in everyday life....It will do them good to see what happens when you pull back and are not so available to do everything...be kind to yourself and try to build up your seretonin levels. Try www.facingus.com for some wellness tools and mediation videos. Try not to stress about things which aren't, in the big scheme of things, important. Your health is more important. A thorough medical check might be an idea to make sure nothing else is going on. I just found out that I have a vitamin B12 deficiency...I wondered why those feelings of depression were just under the surface....and B12 deficiency can cause these feelings too. Best wishes. Rusty