I grew up near Boston. My mother was a crystal meth addict when I was little. A habit she kicked after giving custody of my little sister & I to my father when I was 9, who later became an alcoholic. He, very shortly afterwards, married my stepmother. The defining moment of my childhood. She was cruel & abusive in many different ways. Much moreso to her own daughters, but always cruel & manipulative. My father turned a blind eye & drank. After my mother cleaned up she did what she could to try & regain custody but it didn't happen until I was 16. By then the damage was done. I had suffered the mental abuse for too many years. Too many years of watching my stepsisters beaten by thier mother. Too many years of my fathers emotional neglect. I was sexually assaulted 2 months before I turned 16 while living in Canada. My father's only response was to make sure nobody in town found out.

I have lived with anxiety for a long time. I recently (within the last 3 years) accepted the fact that I needed medication to help control my anxiety. I am on the max dose of Zoloft & find it helps a great deal most of the time. I have now started to wonder if depression has also lived in the outskirts of my life for a long time as well or perhaps PTSD. I don't really know.

My best friend of 19 years died of a heroin overdose on the 6th of August. I am having a very hard time dealing with it & find myself with a lack of motivation to do anything, even live. My cats are my biggest joy. I have a male, Whiteguy & a female, Mamakitty. I have a husband whom I love & who loves me. He feels her loss deeply as well. If not for her we may never have met. She introduced us. I have a mother & sister whom I love also. I would never want to leave them but still these thoughts & this deep painful grief continues. I take so much medication already for various chronic conditions that I am living with. I don't want to take anymore & I fear if I go to my doctor about my feelings that she will suggest more meds or worse, therapy. I tried that 15 years ago & was not at all comfortable with it. I just don't know what to do. Feeling like this scares me, but am I ruling out my only options?