Just want to be free from it (day 1)

Written by

Sun, September 07, 2008

Well, i just joined this site, because i'm trying to find a way to deal.

I've been dealing with my depression off and on for the past eight years. I guess it's because of the way my parents were, and the lack of support from the was and is still pretty devastating. It started off with me cutting myself, and when they found out about that i stopped for the most part but found myself tempted again throughout the years, even as an adult. I haven't cut for a while, but i tried to commit suicide about a month or two ago. I just got fed up with it. I haven't attempted again but i think about it. I have one little ray of sunshine in my fiancee, whom i'm about to marry in about two months. I don't want to be his wife with my mind the way it is, and i can't stand who i am like this.

i was actually starting to feel better when my mother and fathers alcoholism and drug use escalated. My father left our family, right after kicking me out of the house for defending my sister in a fight with him. I slapped him, and he continued to punch himself in the face to make a bruise so that he could tell everyone i punched him, right before telling me i had disrespected god by hitting him. I just didn't want him to hurt my sister.

Most days i can deal with it and put it out of my mind, but so many things remind me of him. if my fiancee even says something that my dad used to say i want to be away from him immediately. My performance at work is at an all time low, and i feel old. i'm only 21 and i feel like i'm pushing fifty. I have pain every day, and don't even want to get out of bed on most of them.

I have an appointment with a psychologist in two weeks, and i just hope that they can help me. No one has ever known what to do with me before. it was always "well you're very smart and talented, you'll find your way out of whatever is bothering you..."

i guess i failed.

I didn't mean to get into this whole spiel but i just needed to get it out.

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wellness

9/ 8/08 7:38am

Tried asking God for to help. Listen to the postive answer that speak to your mind. You must want to be truly well, no doubt. Take your medicine according to the doctor prescription. If you truly want to get well study or find herblist that will help you. Look up your problem to understand why you think the way you do, including your upbring and violence lifestyle. First start with St. John, herb. You must love yourself as God loved you first. Start reading the, first John in the bible(back). Read it for a week every morning.

Tom McBride

9/ 8/08 8:00am

You might be like me in one respect. I too have attempted suicide, but as you may have guessed...I'm still here. It was as though God leaned over my bed in Intensive Care and said, "Tom, understand, when you die and how you die is not a call you get to make." That pretty much took suicide off of my list of options to deal with my pain.

Without that option, what are you and I to do? Well, YOU are on the right path

Reaching out to folks who know how to identify the problem, and to fight back. No matter what happens in the next two weeks, stay on the path. See that psycologist. Find that treatment.

And while you are waiting for the weeks to pass, go into the bathroom and look into the mirror. That person you see there needs a hug. Can't hug her thru the mirror? Then give her a smile. She deserves at least a smile. She is a very special person, whom God has plans for.

Vicki M

9/10/08 10:36am

Hi SadChefinGA,

Welcome to Health Central and I am so glad to joined us here. There is so much information here that will help you understand that first of all being depressed is a medical condition and not something to be ashamed of. Secondly, you are not alone. There are many people here who are connecting daily with others who deal with the same demons as you do every day. We all just take it one day at a time.

As far as your parents are concerned, it is unfortunate that parents are not always able to be the loving guidance that we need. My mother used to say that she didn't get a users manual when she had my brother and I and that every thing in our lives has been trial and error. Well trust me when I tell you there's been a lot of error in my life! We love our parents and we try to make them proud of us, but that doesn't mean they know how to accept and return that love. This is especially true in circumstances like yours. Your father's less than wonderful remarks and actions are as a result of his own inability to deal with his demons and not a reflection on you as a person. He will have to find his own way, but it's time you find yours! You are about to begin a new and exciting life with your soon to be husband and in that new life you will need to find the strength to feel whole. I know you can do it! Finding a psychiatrist is a good start.

Here is some information that will help you when you speak to your doctor. This will help you ask all the right questions to help manage your care. Remember, only you and your doctor know what is best for you. While the information here is a great resource to pull from, it can not take the place of your doctor's solid medical advice.

There is a great overview of what it means to be diagnosed with depression here. There is a very informative section here for when you have just been diagnosed, including myths debunked, and a section that gives you specific questions to ask your doctor. You can read about the symptoms of depression here, medications commonly prescribed here, and current treatments that are being used here. Most importantly is the support aspect of your depression. There are support groups available and you can find out about some of them here in the support section.

One of the best resources online here are other patients. There are many people here at Health Central who are walking the same road you are taking now. Some are further up the road than you, some have just started the journey. We can all learn from each other, so the best resource here are the expert patients. You can check out some of the forums here, or you can create your own caregiving site. This is a great way to let those folks you care about know how you are doing and how they can help.

Finally, if you need help. If you are in crisis or feeling like you just can't pull yourself out of your depression, don't hesitate to call any of the resources below for help.

THCN is not a crisis hotline and does not provide medical advice, but there are people and resources out there that can help you get through this.

Hotline counselors are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. They will listen to you without judgment [we can’t vouch for the confidentiality of these hotlines] and can talk with you about everything you’re going through.

The Boys and Girls Town National Hotline at 1-800-448-3000

1-800-273-TALK
1-800-SUICIDE

If you would like the help of a professional immediately, you can call 911, take yourself to the nearest emergency room, or Find a Therapist.

Support groups exist in many communities to help you get through this. Try these organizations:

NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness)
DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance)
Befrienders Worldwide
PsychCentral Support Groups

I hope you will reach out to someone close to you, but please stay in touch here too and let us know how you are doing. If you are having a rough day, login and tell us about it. Perhaps someone has some advice that will help. Likewise if you are having a good day, then let us know about that as well. Could be someone out there is having similar issues and the act of sharing your story helps them as it helps you!

Take care and please stay in touch!

Vicki M

rar1951

9/10/08 10:44pm

Keep on blogging. The cutting hurts you. The cutting hurts your family. You mistakenly think you are letting out pressure. Who are you, apart from your family? Congratulations on the engagement. I applaud your efforts to go out into the world and discover who you are. rar1951

Just want to be free from it (day 1)

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