Just want to be free from it (day 1)

Well, i just joined this site, because i'm trying to find a way to deal.

I've been dealing with my depression off and on for the past eight years. I guess it's because of the way my parents were, and the lack of support from the was and is still pretty devastating. It started off with me cutting myself, and when they found out about that i stopped for the most part but found myself tempted again throughout the years, even as an adult. I haven't cut for a while, but i tried to commit suicide about a month or two ago. I just got fed up with it. I haven't attempted again but i think about it. I have one little ray of sunshine in my fiancee, whom i'm about to marry in about two months. I don't want to be his wife with my mind the way it is, and i can't stand who i am like this.

i was actually starting to feel better when my mother and fathers alcoholism and drug use escalated. My father left our family, right after kicking me out of the house for defending my sister in a fight with him. I slapped him, and he continued to punch himself in the face to make a bruise so that he could tell everyone i punched him, right before telling me i had disrespected god by hitting him. I just didn't want him to hurt my sister.

Most days i can deal with it and put it out of my mind, but so many things remind me of him. if my fiancee even says something that my dad used to say i want to be away from him immediately. My performance at work is at an all time low, and i feel old. i'm only 21 and i feel like i'm pushing fifty. I have pain every day, and don't even want to get out of bed on most of them.

I have an appointment with a psychologist in two weeks, and i just hope that they can help me. No one has ever known what to do with me before. it was always "well you're very smart and talented, you'll find your way out of whatever is bothering you..."

i guess i failed.

I didn't mean to get into this whole spiel but i just needed to get it out.