I am to the point I want to vanish, yes, just vanish

My partner also has BP. He has been well for 8 months. His doc is a great advocate of "mindfulness". He has not had angry outburst in all this time for the first time ever. Your partner CAN control his anger! It is so hard to live with, I know.  If you can, get him to a good doctor or therapist who can help him to control his moods.  It can be done but HE must do it!  You have done everything you can....nothing will change unless he gets control of his moods.  You are not responsible for his illness and he must accept responsibility for them.  80% or BP marriages fail because the person with BP refuses to take responsibility. It takes work....its easier to take the path they've always taken......explosive anger.  You must look after yourself. If necessary go away for a few days just to keep yourself afloat.  Keep encouraging him to look for HIS answers to HIS illness and in the meantime know that other people understand and know this is not your fault.

Best wishes  Rusty

Hello,

I want to say that I can relate to your feelings. I feel like no matter what I do, I am never satisfied with myself. And I feel like other people don't care about me. And I don't want them to care. I just want to vanish--to not exist anymore. I am just tired of experiencing things. I don't want to vanish permanently- just for a while. Almost like-- to go to some island and be all alone, for a few months. To know that no one is worrying about me, that no one even knows about me. To just be completely detached from society and other people. To have the time to myself, to be able to work out my feelings without judgement or advice from others. That's what I really want. So by "vanish," I really mean to go in a place all my own, where there is absolutely NOTHING else but me. But since I can't do that, I will just have to meditate more. I feel so good about myself when I am outside my house. I feel so positive, like I can do anything. But as soon as I enter my house, I feel dragged down. I become this depressed person who has no life. I am reminded of all my shortcomings, how I am never enough for anyone. People say they care about me, but I don't believe them. And so, I think I can kind of relate to your problem. Unfortunately, as much as I want to erase all my feelings and bad memories, like they never happened, then I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't have strength, compassion, or understanding. I wouldn't be constantly striving to make myself more than what I am now. I would just be happy all the time, blind to the cruelty in the world today and blind to all the suffering. Would I rather be blind? Or see the truth, with the risk of being hurt? I'd rather see the truth. And once I see truth, I have the power to change things.