I am so deep into this feeling of the bottomless blackhole is ready to swallow me and sadly the only thing that makes me hang on is #1 my Son & #2 my Dad. I wish I could say my husband but right now I can't even hang on to avoid hurting him. We had a horrid round earlier with his BiPolar kicking my butt, throwing me into such a deeper state of guilt, depression, anxiety and utter hopelessness than I was already trying so desperately to not drown in. Now he sits in his chair as if nothing was even said earlier that hurt me so terribly. I know his BiPolar is hell on him, it is no picnic on me either. But It is to the point literally that no matter what I say he turns it around on me to use it against me, yet if I say nothing to avoid this then I get the big guilt trip or yelled at for not responding. I just honest to God don't know how much more I can take. I deep down want to vanish. Can anyone relate to this? Any words of wisdom or even a hint of hope?
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I am to the point I want to vanish, yes, just vanish
2/13/08 5:31am
The good news is you still deal with reality. The bad news is the reality of living with a bi-polar person sucks! The reality is that you allowed yourself to be "abused by him". Remove yourself from the situation until you can learn to detach from his behavior. Easier said than done, I know it took me 12 years to better myself from a toxic situation. Start with little steps, leaving the room, walking away, going for a walk, calling a faithful friend. As time goes on, you can gain new skills. REMEMBER NO OTHER PERSON IS WORTH THROWING AWAY YOUR LIFE. You have value and meaning! You created a son and were blessed with an awesome Dad. Follow through with that..."set your marriage on the shelf" just for the time being. Experience has taught me that if I can find the where with all to take care of me, it's his problem to take care of himself and that does not include chastizing me.
3/18/08 7:20pm
Hello,
I want to say that I can relate to your feelings. I feel like no matter what I do, I am never satisfied with myself. And I feel like other people don't care about me. And I don't want them to care. I just want to vanish--to not exist anymore. I am just tired of experiencing things. I don't want to vanish permanently- just for a while. Almost like-- to go to some island and be all alone, for a few months. To know that no one is worrying about me, that no one even knows about me. To just be completely detached from society and other people. To have the time to myself, to be able to work out my feelings without judgement or advice from others. That's what I really want. So by "vanish," I really mean to go in a place all my own, where there is absolutely NOTHING else but me. But since I can't do that, I will just have to meditate more. I feel so good about myself when I am outside my house. I feel so positive, like I can do anything. But as soon as I enter my house, I feel dragged down. I become this depressed person who has no life. I am reminded of all my shortcomings, how I am never enough for anyone. People say they care about me, but I don't believe them. And so, I think I can kind of relate to your problem. Unfortunately, as much as I want to erase all my feelings and bad memories, like they never happened, then I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't have strength, compassion, or understanding. I wouldn't be constantly striving to make myself more than what I am now. I would just be happy all the time, blind to the cruelty in the world today and blind to all the suffering. Would I rather be blind? Or see the truth, with the risk of being hurt? I'd rather see the truth. And once I see truth, I have the power to change things.
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My partner also has BP. He has been well for 8 months. His doc is a great advocate of "mindfulness". He has not had angry outburst in all this time for the first time ever. Your partner CAN control his anger! It is so hard to live with, I know. If you can, get him to a good doctor or therapist who can help him to control his moods. It can be done but HE must do it! You have done everything you can....nothing will change unless he gets control of his moods. You are not responsible for his illness and he must accept responsibility for them. 80% or BP marriages fail because the person with BP refuses to take responsibility. It takes work....its easier to take the path they've always taken......explosive anger. You must look after yourself. If necessary go away for a few days just to keep yourself afloat. Keep encouraging him to look for HIS answers to HIS illness and in the meantime know that other people understand and know this is not your fault.
Best wishes Rusty